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Joanh posted 7/26/2013 20:19 PM

Today, my BH and had a good morning after our children went to playschool. And Now I am falling . I crashed all I could think of what a beautiful time this should have been if I hadn't broken our vows. I'd spent all this time wishing for this with my H and now am totally disgusted of myself. I can see myself from the outside looking in as to what a whore. To of allowed myself someone else to touch me. I belong to and with my husband. No wonder he has a hard time with some days. I cant stand the tthought myself. How do I cleanse myself from being so dirty, to make it that there is noone else there. So its just him and me. Its not that I am thinking of the AP its like the mind movies I hear talked about by the BS, it sickens me , its makes me so dirty, like a peice of meat that is rotten. And I can only imagine that my BS can feel the same. I know he does. To feel this way about a person and not be able to leave this body today is unbearable. I broke the sanctity of our marriage. I allowed myself to give up on what is the most important thing in the world my family, my husband my children and myself. I know I have come to understand a lot of my behavoirs and actions and have been working on living better and being who I want to be. But this is taking me down. I am so angry with myself. and dissappointed.
I can only hope that this too will pass. I just needed a place to talk without having to put this on my BH too. Thank you for listening.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/26/2013 22:58 PM

Time will make it easier to deal with. Those crushing feelings won't go away completely, but they will lessen.

I think it's not a bad idea that you post stuff like this here.

Jrazz posted 7/26/2013 23:25 PM

This is definitely a good place to come get it all out. I encourage you to go to your BH with a brief statement of acknowledgement/remorse when these feelings take over.

It helps me when my FWH lets me know it's on his mind. I don't feel quite as alone in my feelings. I definitely appreciate your not wanting to unload everything on your BH though.

We're listening, and we're proud of you for working on "living better."

ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 23:28 PM

Thank you for posting this Joanh. BHs like myself want to see this kind of remorse in black and white. I think it helps heal some of us.

For what it's worth, time WILL make what you're feeling fade. Not entirely - the knowledge that you cheated on your husband with another man will always be with you and your spouse. BUT. I can see how, with enough time and love and work on your marriage, this knowledge will become less important every day.

Best of luck.

knightsbff posted 7/27/2013 00:02 AM

I can relate to your feelings Joan.

It seems with each joy follows the sorrow of the harsh realities of what I've done.

It will slowly get better as you identify your weaknesses and work on getting healthier and stronger.

Hang in there and keep posting.

longroadhome posted 7/27/2013 06:53 AM

I can relate as well. I feel like I've contaminated myself sometimes. Like there's a permanent stain that Mrs LRH sees on me.

Be careful of these feelings. Continuing to learn, heal, make the changes in yourself that you need, these all make the stain fade. It may never be gone, but it fades. Let it. Try not to squint your eyes to see it every day. Let your self-esteem build back up gradually. The stain does not define you. Feel what you need to feel about it, then do something to heal and let it go. Repeat as necessary.

Share all of this with your BS. As has been mentioned, they do need to know about these feelings, they deserve to know that you're not just flowing along care free after doing something so terrible. You may find that your BS will try to help you when you share these thoughts.

JustWow posted 7/27/2013 07:50 AM

Process this feeling, because you need to. But understand you are having it because you have grown - in great ways.

You are seeing yourself as someone who is much better, worthy of more, than how you have treated yourself in the past.

That is true.

You are seeing your H and your M in the same, lovely, worthy, beautiful way. That is true, too.

As much as the pain hurts, it is a growing pain, and you can and will process it in a healthy way.

And then go live your new truth.

Pain with a purpose is so much more bearable.

Hang in there, there is a purpose and it is good.

Joanh posted 7/29/2013 07:14 AM

Thank you again for your support. I think that it is a good thing to feel this way, it forces me to look deeper into myself, and actually start to see all of me, if that makes sense. I know when I'm feeling down it sure is hard to see the light. But when I do come out I feel a little stronger. It crazy cause when I do feel a little stronger and see my BH still falling or just simply having a down day, it causes guilt too. I know living for today is what a person a should do , sometimes thats hard. I want to feel better and love myself probably for the first time. Thats seems even crazier but true. Its just hard to feel I have the right too, when my BH is still so far down. I do think we did have a wonderful weekend. Went fishing and just enjoyed nature and our children and our selves. So summer has been a very growing experience at least for me it has. Thank you again for your support.

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