I think it's not a bad idea that you post stuff like this here.
It helps me when my FWH lets me know it's on his mind. I don't feel quite as alone in my feelings. I definitely appreciate your not wanting to unload everything on your BH though.
We're listening, and we're proud of you for working on "living better."
For what it's worth, time WILL make what you're feeling fade. Not entirely - the knowledge that you cheated on your husband with another man will always be with you and your spouse. BUT. I can see how, with enough time and love and work on your marriage, this knowledge will become less important every day.
Best of luck.
It seems with each joy follows the sorrow of the harsh realities of what I've done.
It will slowly get better as you identify your weaknesses and work on getting healthier and stronger.
Hang in there and keep posting.
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️
Be careful of these feelings. Continuing to learn, heal, make the changes in yourself that you need, these all make the stain fade. It may never be gone, but it fades. Let it. Try not to squint your eyes to see it every day. Let your self-esteem build back up gradually. The stain does not define you. Feel what you need to feel about it, then do something to heal and let it go. Repeat as necessary.
Share all of this with your BS. As has been mentioned, they do need to know about these feelings, they deserve to know that you're not just flowing along care free after doing something so terrible. You may find that your BS will try to help you when you share these thoughts.
It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier
You are seeing yourself as someone who is much better, worthy of more, than how you have treated yourself in the past.
That is true.
You are seeing your H and your M in the same, lovely, worthy, beautiful way. That is true, too.
As much as the pain hurts, it is a growing pain, and you can and will process it in a healthy way.
And then go live your new truth.
Pain with a purpose is so much more bearable.
Hang in there, there is a purpose and it is good.
edited for typos (I always have to!)