I thought I was "rid" of this forum, hasn't posted here in several months but I guess not. Just want someone to read tonight I guess. No advice solicited, as most of my other posts.
Sitting on my porch so I can have some cigarettes with my beer. Haven't had any drinks on my days with the kids for a long time, but their lunches are made and their clothes laid out and I'll get up in the morning. It's raining. I have a swing out here. For a couple of months after D-day I would sit out here every night, from putting the kids to bed until I went to bed myself. Not entirely sure why. The house felt oppressive and the constant motion of the swing was comforting. This is the first time in about 10 months I've done this though, just sat out here all evening. The fucking power chord for my laptop has the screen door wedged open and all the moths are getting in the house.
It's 8 months now until the first night I just sat out here for no good reason.
I had my dog put down a week ago. We got him within a few weeks of first moving in together. After she moved out I let him sleep in my bed on the days I didn't have the kids to fill the void a bit. I should've noticed that he did not want to climb the stairs to my bedroom the last few days, and that he hadn't been eating well. We live out in the sticks though, and he used to scarf down something unmentionable all the time and refuse to eat for days. But if things were normal, I probably would've had him scheduled at the vet the day before rather than the day after he died. They said it was almost certainly a very advanced cancer and that it wouldn't have mattered anyways, but still.
His walks and playtime and the attention I gave him for the last year was halved or more because all of this bullshit.
Today my STBXW also decided to have dinner with one of her AP's at the resturant 30 feet from the entrance to my workplace, precisely at 5 P.M. They also picked an outside table, just so no one could miss them. Since I had already noticed his car at her apartment when I picked up my son from his sleepover at his friends house which happens to be next door this wasn't really a surprise, but it grates on the spirit after all.
I'm still struggling with only having the kids 50% of the time, but having them 100% of the time when I do. I miss them terribly when they are not here and I don't know what to do with myself, but I feel overwhelmed when they are here. If we could just do the things we would normally do I'd be fine, but I feel like every day their here I have to come up with something special to compensate for the times they are not here. Today was a food day. I found a recipe for dinner in which the kids could participate, and then afterwards we baked strawberry muffins for desert and I took them out for icecream just in case the muffins had some fiber or vitamins in them.
I was always and still am the boring parent. I got them to school on time every day, I made them breakfast every day, I tried to get them in bed at the same time every day. I'm still the boring parent but I don't have a partner anymore to be the fun one. I'm trying not to make it seem like a drag for them every time they come here.
Yeah, it's the first night in a while where exhaustion, self pity, stress and gloom all come together at once. All you people reading this have been in this place I'm sure. Tomorrow will be a better day.
[This message edited by sartre at 11:51 PM, July 26th (Friday)]