Sitting on my porch so I can have some cigarettes with my beer. Haven't had any drinks on my days with the kids for a long time, but their lunches are made and their clothes laid out and I'll get up in the morning. It's raining. I have a swing out here. For a couple of months after D-day I would sit out here every night, from putting the kids to bed until I went to bed myself. Not entirely sure why. The house felt oppressive and the constant motion of the swing was comforting. This is the first time in about 10 months I've done this though, just sat out here all evening. The fucking power chord for my laptop has the screen door wedged open and all the moths are getting in the house. It's 8 months now until the first night I just sat out here for no good reason.
I had my dog put down a week ago. We got him within a few weeks of first moving in together. After she moved out I let him sleep in my bed on the days I didn't have the kids to fill the void a bit. I should've noticed that he did not want to climb the stairs to my bedroom the last few days, and that he hadn't been eating well. We live out in the sticks though, and he used to scarf down something unmentionable all the time and refuse to eat for days. But if things were normal, I probably would've had him scheduled at the vet the day before rather than the day after he died. They said it was almost certainly a very advanced cancer and that it wouldn't have mattered anyways, but still. His walks and playtime and the attention I gave him for the last year was halved or more because all of this bullshit.
Today my STBXW also decided to have dinner with one of her AP's at the resturant 30 feet from the entrance to my workplace, precisely at 5 P.M. They also picked an outside table, just so no one could miss them. Since I had already noticed his car at her apartment when I picked up my son from his sleepover at his friends house which happens to be next door this wasn't really a surprise, but it grates on the spirit after all.
I'm still struggling with only having the kids 50% of the time, but having them 100% of the time when I do. I miss them terribly when they are not here and I don't know what to do with myself, but I feel overwhelmed when they are here. If we could just do the things we would normally do I'd be fine, but I feel like every day their here I have to come up with something special to compensate for the times they are not here. Today was a food day. I found a recipe for dinner in which the kids could participate, and then afterwards we baked strawberry muffins for desert and I took them out for icecream just in case the muffins had some fiber or vitamins in them. I was always and still am the boring parent. I got them to school on time every day, I made them breakfast every day, I tried to get them in bed at the same time every day. I'm still the boring parent but I don't have a partner anymore to be the fun one. I'm trying not to make it seem like a drag for them every time they come here.
Yeah, it's the first night in a while where exhaustion, self pity, stress and gloom all come together at once. All you people reading this have been in this place I'm sure. Tomorrow will be a better day.
[This message edited by sartre at 11:51 PM, July 26th (Friday)]
((hugs))
This:
I'm still struggling with only having the kids 50% of the time, but having them 100% of the time when I do.
And this:
I was always and still am the boring parent. I got them to school on time every day, I made them breakfast every day, I tried to get them in bed at the same time every day. I'm still the boring parent but I don't have a partner anymore to be the fun one.
I am S and likely Divorcing as well. I get all of this and feel it every day. We used to be a TEAM, us against the world. Now it's just me against the world. With 3 teenage boys-temper tantrums and backtalk can get exhausting. I have to be the one who does it all, because there's no one else here. Just as much work, half the workers. I've always been the schedule parent. The "time for bed" parent, the "don't eat too much sugar" parent. Boring.
I guess I just wanted to say that I've been thinking of all these things today too. And I've been dreaming of moving from this crappy ass apartment to a place with a front porch where I can sit and think, and where moths can fly into the house if they want.
I hope you find peace.
I don't have the experience to judge whether 3 teenage boys is worse than 3 kids between the ages of 3 and 11, but if it's any worse please don't tell me :)
Being the one who keeps the home has it's drawbacks too though.
I can imagine, which is why I left instead of staying. In this small town AP lives about 4 blocks away, but they are now NC.
I absolutely love my boys and they are a comfort but generally its like trying to stop an ongoing riot. They are a lot of fun when they're being good :)
As for the trampoline, I get that too. I don't like going into the old house very much, especially our bedroom, which I believe will soon just be "his" bedroom. What a damn tragedy. I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that this is my life. Never would I have ever believed that this would happen to me and to "us".
I stayed in the house too. Luckily, we had recently moved and were only here together for less than a year when he left. But, there are still lots of triggers. There are lots of things I can't eat, music I can't hear, etc. because it reminds me of the shit storm days.
I have a big back porch and I remember sitting out there with a blanket just trying to get away from the mess. There are lots of trees back there and I would stare up, watch the leaves move in the wind and wish my dear departed dad was there to help me. I don't know why, but I found the trees comforting. I had the choice to take a few down earlier this year and couldn't do it.
As far as the kids go, I get that too. I never wanted to be a single parent. I loved having that teammate to help with them and help complete them. Little did I know he didn't really want to be a parent at all.
They notice and ask all the time why he chose to leave. I say he didn't leave them, that he just left me, but they know that's not true. He pays little attention when he has them EOW. He pays no attention when he doesn't. Days will go by without any contact. They know and they feel it. And I get to clean up that mess while walking the delicate tightrope of not totally disparaging him to them because they are little and don't deserve me doing that to them.
I wish for all of us better days and less and less crappy ones. It's hard though. While my ex is out playing house, drinking, gambling, and sleeping late with OW like they are still in college, I'm the one here taking care of kids, working full time, cleaning, food shopping, waking up when they are sick, taking them to doctor and dentist appointments, and having to be the adult 90% of the time.
