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Newest Member: Hephaestus2 (60769)

User Topic: Support for those who face their WS
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I haven't seen him since before DDay, my (X)WS is in my job field and so I run into his work/references to him occasionally (we have shared colleagues, etc.).

Today I had to reference a website for business purposes, went to check out that the file was still there-- and there was a video posted on some new procedures. He was the talking head in the video.

I didn't click on it. Actually, I clicked the window closed ASAP.

I'm pretty shaken just seeing a non-moving image of him. We've been in NC for so long, I didn't realize how "non real" he's become for me.

I just want to say that for all of you who have to continue to face your WS and, in some cases, your WS and their OP... you are incredibly brave. You are the strongest people out there, frankly.

BS / D

Posts: 886 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 30803
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you.

I haven't seen my XH since our last mediation, back in '11. Can't say I miss him at all

All our contact is through email, and sometimes, that's hard enough.

Our oldest will be graduating in 2 years. I'm already dreading it because that will most likely be the first time we'll be in the same room with, and in close proximity to, each other.

I don't know how some folks do it.

Divorced and happy.

Posts: 531 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a thread a while ago about how some of us don't look at our exes at kid exchanges. I personally block ex-shat out...he's this gray blurry spot in my vision...seriously.

I was at ex-shat's grandma's house the other day and I see that she has a pic of him holding the OC. I caught myself studying it for a while. And finally I just shrugged my shoulders and admitted to myself that whoever that is is a stranger to me.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH lives close by. We share the same grocery store- when I see him I actually have to do a double take LOL. I dont recognize him right away. The feeling is almost like "I should know him-he looks familiar-where do I know him from" kind of. It takes a few seconds and then it comes- he is someone I used to know.

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still struggle with the anger. It pisses me off when I'm talking to my kids when they are at their dad's and knowing that the slut is staying in what use to be MY house, sleeping in MY bed, and touching my kids! I don't care so much about her being around exwh because they deserve each other and soon she will be abused too. Hopefully she will cheat on him. But I really can't stand her around my kids and house... What can I say I have priorities straight.

Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012
Exwh married his AP

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think about this often too. We didn't have kids so I'm able to not have him in my life. And those occasions when he creeps in at the edges (b/c we both work for the same large federal agency) I don't handle it well.

And each time I become more grateful we didn't have children b/c it frees me of dealing with him directly. And each time my admiration for those of you who have to increases exponentially.

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something I face often and am learning to come to grips with it.

It's hard to pretend a person is dead who shows up every so often, so I still use pretending as a coping mechanism, but in other ways. I've sort of put him in other boxes or identities and then I can keep the man who was my H kind of dead. I don't know if that makes sense?

If DD whines and he cuts the grass, I think, "Oh, there's the new handy man." Teehee. Or, if he comes for his visits with her, it is "her father". If he has the courage to appear in my presence, I find his shoes very interesting, or a spot on his clothing and avoid his face. This helps keep new pain down and keeps my pretense, for a time. I hope it doesn't read in too bizarre a way, but it's helped me because thinking of him as a person choosing what he is instead of the life he gave up, it's too hard to face still.

I think it annoys him and in some ways that makes me smile.

And when I know I can't avoid being in the same place, I do a lot of gearing up in my mind ahead of time-NMS, No More Surprises.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. I also do the complete opposite of what he may expect-like he complained that I shared too much of my life with him, so now I do not say one word.

My eyes remain blank and I am the statue he always wished for and tries himself to be.

He uses any little or big thing I do communicate as ammo, so this is another coping mechanism and loss of control for him.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't seen my wxh in person since I successfully evaded him in Walmart last year. However, I have sat at a stoplight directly across from him and his shiny new gf.

That was bad enough. I was on the phone, but he just stared at me. Ugh

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9150 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't had to see him in well over a year, thank goodness. I am also grateful we have no kids together, helps with the separation.

I am, however, still very close to his sister and her husband, as well as her kids, my niece, 5, and nephew, 3. So I may have to see him at their bday parties, one of which is in a few weeks. He may have OW with him, but I've told SIL it's not a problem for me, I'm strong enough now to handle it.

I'm gradually reaching the nirvana of indifference though.

Me: BW-46
Him: XWH-46

Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

Posts: 5282 | Registered: Mar 2011
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I see my xWW every week. I am certain that if we didn't have children together I would have NC with her. But, we do have children together.

Although my children are with me most of the time, naturally they love their mother. So, I've come to realize that they need me to be pleasant toward my xWW. To be able to this, when we do the handoffs each week or attend the same T-ball game, I just temporarily suspend my distaste for my xWW. I am pleasant (or pleasantly neutral) a bit like I would be with a babysitter. When she's gone, she's also gone from my mind. On a functional basis, i am indifferent towards her now. Not so deep beneath the surface, I don't care for her much at all.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 6 (5 and 2 on DDay)
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12

Posts: 1288 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
♀ 38458
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to deal with ex twice a week for kid exchanges. Even when I look directly at him it's like looking at his outline. I didn't realize how much I block him out until we were in court this week.

It's the first time I really looked him in the face in months. OMG he looks horrible (and balding badly). When he walked into the courthouse I had to do a double take because at first glance I thought he was a middle-aged guy walking in but he looked familiar. When I turned back and realized it was him I was shocked!

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 31648
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We do have children together, so very occasionally (once a year, if that), I see him at a distance. We are not on speaking terms.

It was horrible for the first year. It's still pretty bad. He has never shown any remorse for what he did. I accept what happened, but I cannot forgive unless he were to show remorse and apologize.

BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 399 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 13

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