Today I had to reference a website for business purposes, went to check out that the file was still there-- and there was a video posted on some new procedures. He was the talking head in the video.
I didn't click on it. Actually, I clicked the window closed ASAP.
I'm pretty shaken just seeing a non-moving image of him. We've been in NC for so long, I didn't realize how "non real" he's become for me.
I just want to say that for all of you who have to continue to face your WS and, in some cases, your WS and their OP... you are incredibly brave. You are the strongest people out there, frankly.
I haven't seen my XH since our last mediation, back in '11. Can't say I miss him at all
All our contact is through email, and sometimes, that's hard enough.
Our oldest will be graduating in 2 years. I'm already dreading it because that will most likely be the first time we'll be in the same room with, and in close proximity to, each other.
I don't know how some folks do it.
Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.
I was at ex-shat's grandma's house the other day and I see that she has a pic of him holding the OC. I caught myself studying it for a while. And finally I just shrugged my shoulders and admitted to myself that whoever that is is a stranger to me.
My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.
And each time I become more grateful we didn't have children b/c it frees me of dealing with him directly. And each time my admiration for those of you who have to increases exponentially.
It's hard to pretend a person is dead who shows up every so often, so I still use pretending as a coping mechanism, but in other ways. I've sort of put him in other boxes or identities and then I can keep the man who was my H kind of dead. I don't know if that makes sense?
If DD whines and he cuts the grass, I think, "Oh, there's the new handy man." Teehee. Or, if he comes for his visits with her, it is "her father". If he has the courage to appear in my presence, I find his shoes very interesting, or a spot on his clothing and avoid his face. This helps keep new pain down and keeps my pretense, for a time. I hope it doesn't read in too bizarre a way, but it's helped me because thinking of him as a person choosing what he is instead of the life he gave up, it's too hard to face still.
I think it annoys him and in some ways that makes me smile.
And when I know I can't avoid being in the same place, I do a lot of gearing up in my mind ahead of time-NMS, No More Surprises.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
My eyes remain blank and I am the statue he always wished for and tries himself to be.
He uses any little or big thing I do communicate as ammo, so this is another coping mechanism and loss of control for him.
That was bad enough. I was on the phone, but he just stared at me. Ugh
I am, however, still very close to his sister and her husband, as well as her kids, my niece, 5, and nephew, 3. So I may have to see him at their bday parties, one of which is in a few weeks. He may have OW with him, but I've told SIL it's not a problem for me, I'm strong enough now to handle it.
I'm gradually reaching the nirvana of indifference though.
Status: D 2011
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
Although my children are with me most of the time, naturally they love their mother. So, I've come to realize that they need me to be pleasant toward my xWW. To be able to this, when we do the handoffs each week or attend the same T-ball game, I just temporarily suspend my distaste for my xWW. I am pleasant (or pleasantly neutral) a bit like I would be with a babysitter. When she's gone, she's also gone from my mind. On a functional basis, i am indifferent towards her now. Not so deep beneath the surface, I don't care for her much at all.
It's the first time I really looked him in the face in months. OMG he looks horrible (and balding badly). When he walked into the courthouse I had to do a double take because at first glance I thought he was a middle-aged guy walking in but he looked familiar. When I turned back and realized it was him I was shocked!
It was horrible for the first year. It's still pretty bad. He has never shown any remorse for what he did. I accept what happened, but I cannot forgive unless he were to show remorse and apologize.