Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: js01 (45726)

User Topic: Hotmail account...DirtyLittleSecrets
LearningToFly
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH had a Hotmail account that he used to connect with his AP. He kept it secret for over 2 months past Dday. (He created this account on the day of my sister's funeral in Nov. 2012 and sent all his saved emails from a different account to it.) I found out about it when he sent a love poem he wrote to her to it in April. He lied and said it didn't exist, I said I knew it did because he had just used it, then he said that it was still there but everything was erased. He finally did give me the password, I changed it right away so he couldn't delete the messages and I got a year and a half history of their relationship. It was painful to read and find out how messed up he was. His IC asked that the emails be printed and given to him to be used in counseling. I did that and it took hours. I'm not sure how much they are being used but its out of my hands now. Every week WH asks that I let him delete the account. I keep saying no and I gave him many reasons why not. I just read an email to his regular email from Hotmail telling him that they couldn't recover his account. It appears that he was trying to delete it himself. I thought we had been having better days lately. Now I am not trusting him again. :(


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jpapageorge
♂ 31800
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LearningToFly, I don't have anything wise or even smart to say about your new discoveries, sorry. I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard.

Hang in there.

Jp


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
circleoflife
♀ 39702
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LTF: hugs, I can only imagine how you feel. The emotions are such a roller coaster!
WS did the same thing sort of but I never got into the account. When I found the account, dday #1 he said he deleted it right then. I asked several times and he confirmed it was deleted.
However I found out in July he didn't delete until over a month afterwards. I still don't know if I believe or not? he could have another secret account for all I know. It's hard to trust him with all the lies/betrayal/deceit/TT, etc. he has given me.
At least you have it in your possession and are in control of it. you'll know when the time is right to delete the account. Good luck!


Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
Dday:4/18/13
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
cliffside
♀ 38803
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have two years of emails in my possession. Here's what I did:
I forwarded them to my own account. And moved them to a folder. I printed them off and put them in a safety deposit box.
At this point, I don't read them anymore but if we were in R and my FWH tried to delete the account behind my back I would be pissed.

I would tell him you know he tried to delete it. That to protect yourself you have moved the emails, printed them off and put them in a safe deposit box.
He needs to get over the fact that you have everything and be 100% transparent with everything going forward or you'll leave.

P.S. every once in a while, for fun, my friend and I like to read them in the voices of valley girl and boy sixteen year olds.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2013
LearningToFly
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to have to get a new email account just for these emails. I don't want a physical record of them for my kids to find someday. This may be a deal breaker. I am so angry with my husband. I feel like he is protecting her again and throwing me under the bus. We argued about this again. I started to explain that I didn't contact her husband yet because her dad died. I didn't think it would be kind to her. He got all upset that he didn't know her dad died. This is the man who started the secret account while at my sisters funeral and was dedicating songs to her all evening while I was making the storyboard the night my sister died. He still cares more about her than me. I HATE him.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
LearningToFly
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must have done something wrong. My other post got locked. I'm sorry. :)


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok, LTF.

Technical questions and conversations are reserved for our I-Tips forum. There's a wait period and you must sign up for Premium services.

It's set up that way to protect you and your identity.

This new thread is perfect because it addresses the hotmail issues without getting too technical.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation, but I'm glad you found us because we want to help.


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18298 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Chicky
♀ 18622
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LTF you have a PM (Private Message)


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, and I'm sorry, LtF.

This happened also and a friend of mine prints what she sees because it is such bad triggers for me.

Nearly Exh also did it with his phone and got horribly defensive when caught...he was protecting her and yelling at me, which I didn't realize at the time, but the tone of voice was a red flag very soon.

He also had a bird about changing some of his contact information and I would wonder, why would someone wanting to R even hesitate?

I am sad for your hard time but also glad that you are not trusting.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2366 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Gr8Lady
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the hardest issues for outsiders, is to understand why the BS puts up with what we do.
My story is like a soap opera, but until someone has truly walked in our shoes it is indeed incomprehensible.

What I have learned is each of us has to make a choice. What is acceptable, and what is not. Boundaries are not intended as punishment for the WS, but our own safety.
When trust is broken, we don't feel safe. Emotional betrayal is an ongoing abuse that erodes our self esteem, value and existence.

I truly hope you can find peace in your situation, and make the best decision for yourself.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 626 | Registered: Jul 2012
LearningToFly
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gr8lady,
You are right, I feel so foolish staying since his affair was really a reflection of his belief that he deserves an easy life because he is a "nice" guy and how he will lie and sneak around to get it. He really doesn't care how his behavior hurts me. A lot of difficult things have happened to our family in the last several years and his go to solution for them was to pretend they weren't happening and get busy doing something to get his mind off of it. The affair was a "great" way to avoid dealing with what was going on around him. He is working on this in IC. Its so foreign to him though. It seems like it will take the rest of his life to learn to accept that life isn't always fun. So I either have to learn to take care of myself in a relationship with a man without the ability to think beyond himself or leave and probably still be completely alone. I think it would take me the rest of my life to trust myself to pick a good guy. I really thought I did when I married him. Looking back, he showed me how what others thought of him was more important than I was to him from the start. I'm not ready to give up yet he isn't showing me that he cares either way.

The biggest reason he wants to delete the account is because I haven't told the OBS yet. I want to have the emails available just in case he would want to read them too. I told my WH which was so stupid. We are supposedly working on recovery so I went to my default which is complete honesty. When I told him that I still planned to tell the OBS he decided to contact hotmail and try to get his password changed back. Its been a rough day. He is adamant that I am doing the wrong thing by contacting the OBS because the guy is known to be unstable. I have to admit I am scared to cause the guy to hurt himself. I haven't tried to contact him again for awhile because I read on Facebook that her dad died. I didn't think it would be kind to tell her husband at that time.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is adamant that I am doing the wrong thing by contacting the OBS because the guy is known to be unstable

While there's always a slight chance that this is possible, you also need to know that this line comes STRAIGHT out of the "Common Lies WS's Tell To Cover Their Asses" manual.

It's important to make sure that you and any kids are safe. It's also the right thing to do to tell the OBS.

Listen to your gut, not to WH.


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18298 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
RedWheelBarrow
♀ 38966
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a couple of years of these kinds of emails too. They dedicate songs to each other - Youtubes, and go on and on like a couple of 15 year olds. MY WH recently found out I had them, and seemed rather unconcerned. Maybe even proud.
There are ways to keep them secure. Message me, if you're worried about him getting them.
Sorry. It sucks to not feel safe.


Me: BW 50
Him:"Rockstar" late 50's
DS: 11
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
Divorced!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her husband is known to be unstable?

LOL..seriously..the next time he says that to you,tell him if this is true then how incredibly stupid of him to screw around with another man's wife..especially a husband who is known to be unstable.

It's ok for him to have an affair with this man's wife..that was worth the risk..but it's not ok for you to tell the truth.

Fucked up thinking.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:21 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
StrongerOne
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please copy the emails in his "secret" hotmail account to someplace safe. Just in case he is able to guess the new password and get into it, or you forget to close the account some day and he gets in.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 885 | Registered: Sep 2012
StrongerOne
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just saw your locked post. It's quite easy to open a new email account. It does not have to be related to your work at all. I've had a personal gmail account forever, since a work email account not private -- your employer owns it, essentially. I have a gmail account for my kid to use, also. both free. PM me if you have a question about how to do it.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 885 | Registered: Sep 2012
LearningToFly
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ended up opening a Gmail account and began transferring the emails.(It will be hours of work). I was shut out yesterday from sending anymore. It appears that I got to the limit of permission to send emails from an account. (Who knew there was a limit). I have to wait 24 hours and begin to transfer the rest. What a mess.

Confused615 - I did tell him that he was the one who got involved in their marriage by becoming the fantasy dream date - I can't believe some of the stuff my husband told her, I know the man, he wouldn't do half of what he said he would do for her if he really had to. While her husband was truly there for her (maybe not perfectly) my husband painted a picture of an emotionally mature, honest, giving man. These are pure fantasy! And yes, why cheat on your husband if you are afraid that he might snap if he found out. Why talk your husband into vacationing in a strange area and meet up with your AP while camping if there is a possibility that he might see you together, holding hands and kissing. Sometimes I wish that someone from church or school would have seen my husband walking hand in hand with her...I wonder how he would have gotten himself out of that one...he is concidered such a wonderful family man.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 8:33 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StrongerOne -

You have a pm.


Posts: 36451 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 18

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.