Have been feeling so hopeless..brokenhearted...grieving the loss of the love I felt and feeling that I will never feel that love again.
Along with the pain of betrayal and hiding it from son and relatives and friends.
The secret mania in my mind.
Today was bad bad bad. Have been feeling numbness in my hands and pain in my arms and don't know why. Can't just can't deal with another problem.
We are not connecting...he endures once a week "talk" with me otherwise can never mention it. Doesn't seem to be progressing with his psych.
Tonight I went to bed a few minutes after him, with overwhelming sadness in my heart. Tossed and turned and agonized. Made him wake up...I think he pretended to be asleep after the second time I called his name.
Told him I just can't endure this pain, betrayal pain, but the pain I now feel, the pain of the loss of the love I felt for him.. That is missing from my heart now. It used to feel so good to love him with this love. I so love to love. I was crying, told him I wanted to die, that I can't turn away from this pain. He says nothing. Doesn't comfort me, I say do you feel anything anything? He angrily says...I feel bad, I have said sorry all along...and he angrily turns over...but no comfort for me...no empathy or sympathy? This is like sociopathic isn't it? How can you claim to love someone, hear their agony, their death wish and turn over and go to sleep? I am so angry, but never get to express that and that stays bottled in and turns into agony. There really is no hope for someone likethis is there? My IC keeps asking me how much longer I am going to endure this. She tells me he will never tell me truths, that he is a pathological liar and they can't change, that he is most likely NPD. He says he doesn't know who he is, doesn'tknow why he did these things, that it is impulsive like an alcholic.
Now what do I do?
How can he just leave me in agony? what kind of a human does that? Three am and all alone.