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mainlyinpain posted 7/27/2013 02:59 AM

Have been feeling so hopeless..brokenhearted...grieving the loss of the love I felt and feeling that I will never feel that love again.
Along with the pain of betrayal and hiding it from son and relatives and friends.
The secret mania in my mind.

Today was bad bad bad. Have been feeling numbness in my hands and pain in my arms and don't know why. Can't just can't deal with another problem.

We are not connecting...he endures once a week "talk" with me otherwise can never mention it. Doesn't seem to be progressing with his psych.

Tonight I went to bed a few minutes after him, with overwhelming sadness in my heart. Tossed and turned and agonized. Made him wake up...I think he pretended to be asleep after the second time I called his name.
Told him I just can't endure this pain, betrayal pain, but the pain I now feel, the pain of the loss of the love I felt for him.. That is missing from my heart now. It used to feel so good to love him with this love. I so love to love. I was crying, told him I wanted to die, that I can't turn away from this pain. He says nothing. Doesn't comfort me, I say do you feel anything anything? He angrily says...I feel bad, I have said sorry all along...and he angrily turns over...but no comfort for empathy or sympathy? This is like sociopathic isn't it? How can you claim to love someone, hear their agony, their death wish and turn over and go to sleep? I am so angry, but never get to express that and that stays bottled in and turns into agony. There really is no hope for someone likethis is there? My IC keeps asking me how much longer I am going to endure this. She tells me he will never tell me truths, that he is a pathological liar and they can't change, that he is most likely NPD. He says he doesn't know who he is, doesn'tknow why he did these things, that it is impulsive like an alcholic.
Now what do I do?
How can he just leave me in agony? what kind of a human does that? Three am and all alone.

ohiocarrie535 posted 7/27/2013 03:14 AM

I'm so sorry. I wish there was some magical thing I could say to help with the pain...but there isn't. Stick with the IC. Work on you. Your WS for whatever reason can't give you what you need right now. So you need to value yourself and take care of yourself. You also need to 180 their *ss!

jjsr posted 7/27/2013 03:36 AM

Please take care of yourself right now. If the counselor is telling you these things about him, then maybe you need to really listen to that. I know its so hard but try to take a bit of the emotion out of it so you can clear your head and make choices for whats best for you.

BrokenDaisy posted 7/27/2013 03:37 AM


I too endured many nights and conversations where stbx would look at my pain and nothing, no empathy or sympathy. He only cares about what I can do for him and how I make him feel so when my sadness made him feel bad, he got angry because he could only see the inconvenience for himself. He didn't feel bad because of the hurt he caused, he felt bad because it caused him trouble and made him "look" bad and nothing upsets an NPD more than having something tarnish their idea of their wonderfulness. I stayed for over a year like that. It was torture. My stbx is NPD diagnosed and after all this time I know for sure he feels nothing for me despite knowing me for over 20 years. He only liked the narcissistic supply/ego-stroking he could get from me. It was about what he could use me for, not how he felt for me. That was the hardest to accept and realize.

Kindly, I don't know if it is the same with your WH (and we all post tainted by our own experiences) but that does not sound like the behaviour of a remourseful WH. I am so sorry you are hurting. Wish I could help.

He says he doesn't know who he is, doesn'tknow why he did these things, that it is impulsive like an alcholic.

This also concerns me. That is not words of someone taking responsibility. Saying it is impulsive says he has no control over it which is nonsense! He has all the control. It's his choices. Every day and minute he was in the affair he made a choice to lie to you and stay with OW. Every phonecall, text, visit, everything had to be planned. That's not an impulse (which suggest it's involuntary) that's a deliberate choice and meticulous planning. He has to own up to it and take responsibility for his actions.

(((Mainlyinpain))) I feel for you. I'm sorry if any of my words cause pain. You need to take care of yourself. Continue IC. 180 and hang in there! It does get better one step at a time.

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