"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

sunsetslost posted 7/27/2013 06:25 AM

I was told last night that she has no intention of breaking off her affair. She told me that she wishes to separate and has no interest in reconciling at this time.

In some ways it is a relief. I can now truly focus on moving forward and away. It stings deeply, it really does.
But I'm glad she was honest. I feel like I can start taking care of myself fully. I will move money, file, and begin to distance myself even more than the past two weeks. She talked about "in a year or two" but I won't buy it. House on the market on Monday.

She's out, I'm out.

JustWow posted 7/27/2013 07:29 AM

I am so sorry you have to endure this - and whether you see it or not - you're handling it well.

She wants to "separate" for a couple years - is a request for cake eating. Your reaction to file is spot on. Close the bakery.

Take care of you. She could very well start bargaining and throwing you crumbs once you file. She did not say she wanted D, she's likely to be shocked that her saying she wants to separate had that consequence.

Good work on taking care of you, keep it up. Post often, you'll find good support here.

tennispro posted 7/27/2013 07:57 AM

I'm so sorry and I can tell you that you are not alone. You are among friends here and you can lean on us.
In a way, and it may be hard to see it like this now, it's good that she was able to tell you her plan instead of stringing you along.
You will be the strong one to come out of this and she will forever be looking for someone or something to fill that void in her soul.
You will find love and happiness again. Right now you just need to take care of YOU.
All the best, my friend

canteat posted 7/27/2013 09:01 AM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

She talked about "in a year or two"

Sounds like she is not really sure of what she wants. Right now the A is easier to deal with. It takes place in fantasy land. She doesn't have to face reality or the hard work that comes with trying to R. Or the hard work that comes from her just admiting to herself what she has done. Denial is so much easier and very tempting. But don't be surprised if she changes her mind and flip-flops back and forth. This is not uncommon-especially when they are still in the fog.

She did not say she wanted D, she's likely to be shocked that her saying she wants to separate had that consequence.

I agree with this. She has been having the M and the A for a while and thinks a "separation" will allow her to hold on to both until she figures out what she wants. You filing for D and putting the house on the market shows her you are not going to be a doormat and are not going to wait around while she plays her games. Good for you! It will be hard, but you are on the right road to healing yourself.

Check out the healing library and the list of book recommendations. There is a wealth of knowledge and insight here at SI. Sounds like you are doing the 180 without even knowing it. (thats in the healing library if you don't know what that means)
Have you thought about IC? It is helping me to keep things in perspective and focus on things that can help me heal instead of on all the other crap that can easily get in the way. Might want to be something to consider.
Best of luck to you. Stay strong. Lean on us-we are here for you. *hugs*

[This message edited by canteat at 9:02 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

jtom posted 7/27/2013 10:32 AM

Is the P.O.S OM married? If you don't know, find out an if he is , tell his wife. Don't hesitate on this.

ItsNotUitsMe posted 7/27/2013 10:48 AM

I think you have a great outlook and plan, sunset. YOU WILL BE OK!

My advice would be to continue forward with whatever is best for YOU and not for US, there is no more us. (One of the hardest parts of the transition for me)

Read some of your previous posts to get some background and I also felt I was on the fast track. I also sense that you have a very practical sensibility. Rely on that. You will need to go thru the emotional rollercoaster to process it but the separation itself is best handled as a business arrangement.

I found from my experience that when you make that next step and decide to part ways, it suddenly becomes a battle over control. A human reaction when everyone a part of it is scrambling to get their bearings and all have different agendas. Even with not having alot of material things to split, it can still get complicated because you are dealing with someone who is processing thoughts in an alternate reality. But it is also because of this thinking that if you act quickly, you can get out of this with what is best for you and your future because that is YOUR priority and her priority is him and the here and now.

Stay the course.

[This message edited by ItsNotUitsMe at 10:50 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

hotcoffee posted 7/27/2013 11:00 AM

Good for you. Force the issue. She's had enough cake.

tabitha95 posted 7/27/2013 11:05 AM

In some ways it is a relief. I can now truly focus on moving forward and away.

This is a very healthy way to look at things. I wasted nearly 3 years trying to work on my M, and I found out I was the only one working on the M, as the R was False-R.

Stay strong.

myperfectlife posted 7/27/2013 12:16 PM

Sunset,
I am new here too. I will echo what the others said about having a direction.
However, you never know how the WS will react.
Be prepared for the roller coaster to continue.
And keep coming back, this is a great place where you won't feel alone.
(((hugs)))