SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Sshj posted 7/27/2013 08:10 AM

Need help with NC. In withdrawal. I am separated but seeing a MM. We work together. Been happening for 2 years. V close and I wanted to be with him. He has said he cannot leave his children (yes the classic). He will leave in 8 years when they are out of the house. I cannot believe this can I? I need NC

BaxtersBFF posted 7/27/2013 08:18 AM

Welcome to SI.

No, you cannot believe anything the MM says. If you think about it, you are trying to place trust in someone who has been lying to his wife for two years. He's going to leave in 8-years? Do you really want to get the left-overs for another 8-years? You are worth more than that.

Are you married too? Do you have any kids?

You need to consider moving to a new job. Continuing to work together will make NC very difficult for you, if not impossible.

SandAway posted 7/27/2013 08:53 AM

Do you really want to get the left-overs for another 8-years? You are worth more than that.

EXACTLY!

I would also like to add that he will tell you ANYTHING to hang on to you - he has the best of both worlds. A 'perfect' family for the outside world to see with a mistress on the side...

Sshj posted 7/27/2013 09:01 AM

Oh such a relief to tell somebody. I have told nobody for 2 years :-( nobody...

Yes I am married but separated. Have 2 children - 5 and 6 years. Husband and I are open and friendly and keeping things like that for the kids. But we are aware we can both see other people.

I have been seeing this MM for 2 years and of course wanted something more. I just need to hear all the reasons now to continue NC. He has said he loves me and wants to leave his wife but cannot leave his children because his dad left him when he was 3. Therefore 8 years is all he can give. Of course that is untenable.

Now need strength. Thank you.

Sshj posted 7/27/2013 09:08 AM

Oh by the way - this has been triggered because got extremely angry with him for the first time last week. I cannot understand how he can lie to his wife. I am by no means whiter than white. But my husband and I have been separated for the whole time and will eventually get a divorce. He says he lies to his wife and won't leave her because he cannot do that to his kids and won't leave them like his dad left him. He will be there for me in 8 years time. It was 10 years 2 months ago. Then he reduced it to 9 years 1 month ago and now it is 8 years last week.

Is this odd?

BaxtersBFF posted 7/27/2013 09:14 AM

I don't think it's odd. I think it is him trying to find the sweet spot where he knows you will wait for him. I really think though that the reality is he will never leave. And again, do you really want to wait for somebody who was willing to cheat on his wife and continue that lie for 8-years or even 8-months? If you think about it, even if you do get together, would you really ever trust him knowing that he had to lie to someone he made a vow to love and cherish no matter what in order to sleep with you?

If I can ask...when did the MM enter the picture in regards to when you and your H separated?

Sshj posted 7/27/2013 10:04 AM

Oh thank you so much for replying. Well my husband and I have not been intimate for about 3 years and have been aware of the situation for 2 years or so. We are friendly but not destined to be together. This thing with the MM started as a kiss about 2 years ago but only really developed into something intense just over 1 year ago.

But look, I am an intelligent independent woman and know it is ridiculous. I just need the strengh now to let go. I am feeling ok with NC at the moment but am anticipating weakness and want to be ready to cope.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/27/2013 10:14 AM

I'm so glad you found us.

You want strength. I'm only a few months out so I will tell you what worked for me. Telling the AP's wife. If you can't or won't do that, then at least put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Right now you may perceive your AP as a tortured soul stuck in a sexless M devoid of love & affection. I mean, who can blame the guy for seeking external comfort, when his wife is so cold and uncaring?

Except she's not. She's a loving and devoted wife and mother who deserves a faithful husband. And you, my wayward friend, are robbing her of that.

I liked to tell myself, I am not responsible to his wife...if it weren't me it'd be someone else. Well, let it be someone else. You are "the other woman."

If you need strength to walk away, think about his wife and what you are doing to her. Is that who you want to be?

Sshj posted 7/27/2013 10:44 AM

Hello wrongs. You have hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what has given me the strength to now stop. I ventured onto her Facebook page the other day and she turned into a living breathing person. I was v angry and I turned on MM. Which is a bit unfair seeing as it is as much me as him. But I turned on him anyway and shouted at him that he was a liar and a coward. And I am not the person I want to be. And that is why NC. But I am scared that although I feel relatively ok now I am going to hit a hole. So is v nice to be on here chatting for when that happens. We will not be in the office together for 1 month now so now is the time for detachment.

cs2384 posted 7/27/2013 11:21 AM

Seek a new job. Tell his wife. Get out of there. Really he's a shmuck. A cake eating shmuck. You deserve better than that. His wife deserves better. Get out. Withdrawal sucks. Just like the end of any relationship. Change your habits to help with withdrawal. It's not easy.

Sshj posted 7/27/2013 11:33 AM

Problem is I have a great job that I absolutely love. I am quite senior. I don't want to give up my job. Why should I give it up? I know it will be harder.

uncertainone posted 7/27/2013 12:35 PM

Problem is I have a great job that I absolutely love. I am quite senior. I don't want to give up my job. Why should I give it up? I know it will be harder.

What made you feel it was ok to be with a married man? Would you see a dress someone was wearing and think, "oh that's just my size. I bet it would look much better on me than on her" and rip it off of her?

Regardless of any bullshit he's spewing he's married to someone else. If he's not recognizing that, if he's not appreciating the commitment he made to her and his children, if he's breaking that contract every time he talks to you, flirts with you, woos you, how on earth will he ever be faithful to you?

You want strength? Ask yourself, who do you want to be? Then start working on becoming that person. You are your choices. I was rage filled when I joined here. I didn't want to be that person anymore. Working through my choices was painful. The internal focus and inventory. The recognition of how our choices betrayed us is no picnic.

If you want a different life make different choices. Start with an internal inventory of what thought processes you have in place that enabled you to feel this was ok.

I know people say one doesn't deserve this or that. I don't believe that. The point is something inside you believes you do deserve this. You have somehow convinced yourself that you are entitled to someone else's spouse like a lying cheater is actually some sort of a prize. I'd think your goal would be to NOT deserve that. Who on earth would logically pick that...unless of course they are that as well?

Don't be that "guy"/"girl". Demand better from yourself for yourself and your children.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/27/2013 13:15 PM

Have you thought about telling his wife? I mean, seriously, he is not only cheating on her, but is so cold and calculating that he would string her along for 8-10 years and then dump her? IMO she deserves to know, so she can make an informed decision about staying in the M or not.

How closely do you two work together? Are you able to avoid him? Also, who's more senior: you or he? I'm not sure it matters, but if you break it off and he continues to pursue you, you can always consider going to H.R. with a complaint. Or at least tell your AP you will have no choice but to go to H.R. if he doesn't take "no" for an answer.

One thing you can do to fill the hole that may be left by AP's absence, would be to start reading lots of books, and going to IC to ascertain & resolve whatever issues led you into a relationship with an unavailable man.

Speaking of relationship issues...what's with the M limbo? Why be separated for 2+ years and have no firm D plans? I'm not qualified to psychoanalyze you, but you need to take a deep look at your relationship dynamics before you pursue another one.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/27/2013 13:23 PM

You are right...you don't have to change jobs. Why do we suggest it? Because we've seen so many times when 1) it doesn't work and the A continues or 2) it is a condition of one or both of the BS' s. If your H doesn't care, then fine, do what you wish. It'll be harder than you think to get yourself healthy. UO asks a great question...what made you see the MM in the first place? Where was your boundary when it came to cheating? These aren't things we say to piss you off or anything, we are trying to show you a new path and a new way of thinking. Until you are NC from the MM for a while, you may not be able to see the reality of your situation clearly no matter how intellgent and independent you are. I'm smart too. Have a degree and travel with a microscope and do a lot of business for many different clients. I was still prettyessed up though. Took a few strong words from others here who had gone before me to really make me understand things. That's a pretty standard thing for new Waywards here.

At the end of the day though, keep in mind an SI saying...take what you need and leave the rest.

Lilypad posted 7/27/2013 19:11 PM

Anytime you feel like contacting him go to the just found out forum and read some of the BS stories.

Every OW, OM and WS should read these sections so that they can see the devastation that is caused when we behave this way.

Like someone says if they can lie to their spouse, they are lieing to you to. Is this really the kind of man you want?

Sshj posted 7/28/2013 02:16 AM

Thank you. This is really helping. UO - seems we have got to the same 'rage filled' position. I don't want to be that person anymore either. As you say - we are our choices - I choose to be the person I want to be again.

Sshj posted 7/29/2013 14:40 PM

Got through the whole day with NC. Logged on here all day to give me the strength

Need more strength for tomorrow

Deeply Scared posted 7/29/2013 15:29 PM

Sshj...

Good job on staying NC...each day that you remain steady and with NC in place is another day that you get stronger with keeping your boundaries in place.

You're doing really good

Sshj posted 7/29/2013 15:42 PM

Thank you Deeplyscared. That means a lot to me. It has not been easy. We still work together alto he is away for 4 weeks. Thisis my moment to grab.

Deeply Scared posted 7/29/2013 16:56 PM

How do you plan on dealing with him at work?