Greetings Fellow SI'ers
I have put this in the Reconciliation area since I think it is a issue many BS or FBS may deal with at some point during or after reconciliation. Mods: please feel free to move it if needed. I do not post much, but have read quite a bit since finding SI in Sept 2012
I am a FBH, the DDay of my FWW's affair occured almost 20 years ago during our 3rd year of marriage. It was a 2 year long affair with a Married OM that she worked with. Back in those days, the internet was still in it's beginning stages and these types of resources weren't available. Without going into the entire story (which I will put in my profile if needed) here are some highlights;
- I went through 4 months of pure hell from DDay to starting day of reconciliation. (I will admit that most of my hangups are sexual in nature, I don't know if this is male thing or I'm just screwed up)
- She wanted to be with OM. I kicked her out about month after DDay, and she was officially with him for 3 months. (his wife moved out the week of our Dday and my FWW saw this as her opportunity to be with him)
- I never got an entire account of the details and have suffered mind movies on and off for the last 20 years. Early on she compared us sexually (besides the fact he paid more attention and made her laugh), (he lasted longer than me, could go more than once in a session with no refractory period, and more passionate during sex). Pretty much any questions about details were rugswept with the phrase "I don't remember." I truly wish I could have gotten a full timeline and writtens details as lack of has only made me have some bad mind movies through out the years.
- He was the last man she gave a full (to completion, with swallowing....sorry for TMI) blow job to (last time she did it to me was the Wednesday night prior to her confessing the affair to me 20 years ago). Note: in the years since, she has performed oral sex on me for a few minutes a handful of times, just never to completion.
- For the year and a half prior to her confession, they had a lot of car sex (something we have not done since we dated)
- Other than during these 4 months, we have never really had fights (pre or post affair). We've had our share of disagreements, but no yelling, screaming, not talking to one another type things. That being said, when ever we did have a disagreement, we could never have sex after making up because she felt that we were only making up just to have sex. However, she had no problem having make-up sex with OM. I realize that sex for the last 20 years could be considered make-up sex, but I can't seem to look at it this way.
- In month 4, she moved home to start reconciliation. One week into it she wanted to break off the R and go back to him. I Left the house sick to my stomach. She decides to call OM and he basically blows her off because he has other action on the side (who he was doing while also doing my FWW). She then calls me to come home and wants to apologize and work on R again. The next day we have sex again for the first time in 4 months and we have been together ever since.
- We have been happy, have a home, have 2 beautiful children (we started our family post affair, there were no children before or during). We have a great life.....but last year my daughter had a relationship go bad and turns out her BF starts dating her best friend immediately afterwards. My daughter is now back together with her BF. My daughter's issues have caused me to restart mind movies and reliving all the memories from my FWW's affair. In addition, I have run into and seen the OM (lives in same town) more in the last year, than the previous 19 years. And he stirs a hatred inside me like no other.
Hopefully that is enough information to ask my question: What did you do as a BS that has reconciled or is in reconciliation done to get rid of the feeling that your WS in the long run settled for you? I thought I came to terms with this years ago, but I guess not. I sometimes think I was nothing more than plan B because things didn't work out well with OM.
I keep feeling this way since I never got all the information I wanted, I don't seem to deserve oral sex like he did, there is no make up sex still like they had, and most importantly, when he blew her off on the phone the day before we started true R, he in essence decided for her. Yes she ultimately decided to stay with me but it was only after she couldn't have him.
Is there something wrong with me? If you experienced the settled for or plan B feeling, how did you deal with it.
Please note: my FWW has not done anything to make these issues pop up. I basically triggered over my daughters relationship problems and then seeing the OM. After almost 20 years, I don't want to dive back into this with my wife. As far as the sexual items are concerned, it would only cause her guilt and then if she decided to do those things again I think it would only be out of guilt and not a desire to please me and I really don't want that. I just want to be able to not have this affect me anymore.
PS - a therapist has told me these are classic signs of PISD. Also, if any WS has been able to help your BS deal with this, please feel free to comment.