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Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

User Topic: in full blown panic mode/need help
Embers2Fire
♀ 25557
Member # 25557
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soooo I have exactly 98 days to my wedding day with my wonderful SO and I am in full blown panic mode and I have no idea how to stop it! I need help. I have been picking fights lately, I am pushing him, like I am trying to see if he will buck or run so I can complete my self fulfilling prophesy that he will leave and disappoint me too. I isolate a lot lately like I am trying to pull away from him. He has done nothing and we both know where all this is coming from however knowing that does not change how all this feels nor is it stopping my insane behavior. Guys I need your wisdom here, I feel so out of control right now and no idea how to stop myself.


BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
Divorced
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream

God has breathed new life into me fanning my fading Embers into a brightly burning Fire.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Land of the healed and home of the grateful
damncutekitty
♀ 5929
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have a therapist? This would be a good time to check in.

Have you done any premarital counseling?


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
gahurts
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it the stress of organizing and planning the wedding that is getting to you? Remember the wedding is but one day. You've been working together on this relationship for how long? Building up to the M. Just try to keep them both in perspective.

I agree with dck. Premarital counseling is a good thing.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3467 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Embers2Fire
♀ 25557
Member # 25557
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not have an actual therapist. We are in premarital counseling but it is with the church. This counseling is along the lines of the spiritual commitment, strength and bonding required in and through Christ. It does not directly deal with my trust issues or the wounds left behind from my previous marriage. It is so hard to fully trust again. He sent me text today that says "I will be here, fear can not rule your life. I am here, always have been always will be". But how can I trust these words to be true when after a life time together XWH who had also promised to always be there broke his word and strayed away. I know SO has done nothing for me to distrust him, but it is so hard to believe that this man will not too betray me.


BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
Divorced
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream

God has breathed new life into me fanning my fading Embers into a brightly burning Fire.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Land of the healed and home of the grateful
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I know is that I can't hold other men responsible for what my ex did to me. They are not him.

Then you just leap.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
little turtle
♀ 15584
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not panicking, but it is in the back of my mind that SO could leave me at anytime like XH did. I may reach panic mode closer to the wedding (next July).

SO has shown me time after time who he is and that he wants to be in my life. You have to trust him. He is not XH. Perhaps it would help to reflect back on your relationship with SO and see all of the times he has stood by you. Turn to him and work through this together. Also, use your premarital counseling with the church to help and guide you.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4223 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
peacelovetea
♀ 26071
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may just need to face that head on. He may leave. He may die. You just don't know, and that unknown is terribly terribly scary. But you also know that you survived before, and went on to find happiness again. So you just need to focus on knowing you will be okay NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. Easier said than done, but it really is just that in the end.

Also, recognizing that trust is a choice. That you can choose to trust this man, because he does what he says he will do, etc. And that if somehow he violates that trust, that is about him, but not about you. You did the wonderful thing of being willing to connect to another human being in a vulnerable way, and that is how we grow. It is always a risk, but what a wonderful gift you have given yourself that you are willing to do it, even after you have suffered before. It is that connection with others, only possible with that kind of vulnerability, that gives life meaning, in my opinion. Good for you for living fully, and not avoiding because you are afraid. Maybe you will be hurt, maybe not -- probably at some point it will hurt a little, cause that's life -- but you LIVED because you CHOSE TO.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you find a therapist in your area that does EMDR or EFT or TAT? These are all techniques that help unplug us from old patterns of thinking. They are so helpful for PTSD and milder forms. This is much more effective than talk therapy alone and great if combined with talk therapy.

You can't think clearly in panic mode. It's just too much static in the nervous system. It is wise to turn to the relationship and ask for reassurance, but at some point you yourself have to get to the root of your panic and change those core thoughts.

Yes your relationship will end at some point. It is a fact. Even if its perfect there is always death that no one can escape. At some point we make the leap of faith that experiencing a loving connection is worth the inevitable pain of separation.

((((E2F)))))

[This message edited by InnerLight at 1:27 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5899 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
kernel
♀ 27035
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you also know that you survived before, and went on to find happiness again. So you just need to focus on knowing you will be okay NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. Easier said than done, but it really is just that in the end.

Beautifully said. It isn't him you need to trust - it's trusting that YOU will be okay no matter what. You can't control what may or may not happen, nor can you control what he may or may not do. You CAN control your choices. Have faith and trust in yourself. And yes, I agree with cmego and Innerlight that it's also a leap of faith.

Can you find someone to talk to about this? A counselor would be a lot of help in giving you some coping and relaxation strategies.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5336 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Embers)))
This boils down to 2 choices.

1. You go ahead with the marriage. You take a leap of faith (but remember you have already worked thru issues with this man, and he has been there for you and worked with you and hasn't given you any real reasons from everything you've posted about him in the past couple years to doubt him.)

2. You call it off, and spend the rest of your life scared to go after things that are important to you because of something ONE STUPID MAN did.

All men aren't the same. Just like all women aren't the same. There isn't anything you've written about him that sets off any red flags and so although these pre-wedding jitters are normal and understandable....you need to use your higher reasoning here. The others have given good advice. Nothing is 100% certain, and you will experience more hurt in your life, whether from him or other family or friends. Hurt is inevitable. But you've already shown you can handle it. It isn't fun, but you will survive it.

Don't make this one pay for the mistakes of the other one. Counseling really can help with the PTSD, but you can also think this through and make the decision that you are not going to chase him away and be miserable because of the other one.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15399 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
MovingUpward
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((E2F)))

How much time are you letting this wedding occupy our mind? Is there an activity that can give you a break? You've gotten some great advice already, but I think you need a break in the planning and thoughts of planning. Find something fun to do with your fiancé.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52992 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Helen of Troy
♀ 26419
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good advice on this thread.
I hope you're able to work things out.

Posts: 4725 | Registered: Dec 2009
willowiris
♀ 5372
Member # 5372
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, if you need a therapist, I can probably make some local suggestions.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers, sweet girl.


D-day 09/2004
Filed for divorce 9/2006

We accept the love we think we deserve. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."


Posts: 12326 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Margaritaville
Embers2Fire
♀ 25557
Member # 25557
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks you have given me some wonderful heartfelt advise. I knew you guys would come through. I have given your words some real deep thought. I am feeling better, more in control. This is a spirit of fear and I will not walk in this any longer. Next time I post here and sound like this I am counting on all of you to remind me again that I am a survivor, no matter what happens I can and will survive it. I survived once and can survive it again should I have to. I am surrounded by an ocean of amazing survivors, thank you all for being here.

@MU it is not the wedding as in the wedding planning that has me tied up in knots it's the actual vow taking. I picture the moment in my mind and I become paralyzed with fear. This fear is affecting and spilling over into other areas of my life as well so I have got to nip this in the bud.

I have been telling myself for the past 3 and 1/2 yrs that SO and I have been together that since he has made me no promises (vows) then if he strays hey he did not break any promises with me so no biggie. The vows themselves are sacred to me and the breaking of them has almost broken me. Even though I was not the one who cheated I have always felt guilty about the divorce because I am the one who filed and initiated the divorce. Now that we are about to take vows together it has taken on a whole new meaning to me and it was freaking me out. But like I said I am feeling better, I have identified the source of this fear and I am going to take this head on. Thanks again, I will keep you guys updated.


BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
Divorced
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream

God has breathed new life into me fanning my fading Embers into a brightly burning Fire.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Land of the healed and home of the grateful
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm glad you are feeling better about this.

This should be a joyous time for you. There are so few truly happy moments in our lives....don't let the fear and uncertainty taint it. Nothing lasts forever, truly, not joy nor pain, so when you get the joy, revel in it and when the pain comes, know it is just a passing thing.

No one can make a guarantee or a promise about what will happen in the future. The vows were sacred to me also, but when they are broken, I remember the person that broke them was just human, fallible, and not worth ruining the rest of my life over.

I really want to see you get excited and happy over your upcoming special day. You are allowed some happiness. Take it. No one can promise how long it will last, but you can always have the memory of the happiness to tide you over the times of sadness we all have to go thru..... (((hugs)))


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15399 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 15

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