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Newest Member: thepainfull86 (61156)

User Topic: a different kind of A
♀ 39821
Member # 39821
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading a lot in the Healing Library and I've been reading Not "Just Friends." I can't help but feel like my situation was different. NC has not been a huge problem. It was not hard to walk away from the ONS of OS (though in the afternoon). It was purely sexual on my side and his (except guilt crept in before I was ever touched, or even kissed. I have explained that to my H), spur of the moment and deeply regretted on both sides. We had agreed that it would never happen again. But my H found out about the OS via a text to my co-worker saying the OP was a selfish ass and used me. So I don't think I need to heal from that WS perspective because I haven't had withdrawals. I am just so full of remorse, shame, and regret. My H feels humiliated because he took the texts to my co-worker so literally, he thinks the only reason I felt bad was because I didn't get any sexual gratification out of it. He told me once, "you're only upset that he didn't slip it in like you wanted."

I understand that my issue revoles around why I need such "high thrill" arousal and why I sabotage or punish myself by ruining good relationships? It's been a pattern in my life. I thought moving 3000 miles away from my family and friends and previous ONS before my H would make it easier to make better choices. I still made horrible ones.

I am taking steps to secure counseling after recent schedule changes to avoid OP. I don't know. This was kinda a vent, I'd appreciate any insight.

[This message edited by regrettingitall at 9:58 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

FWS me 24
BS him 25
Dday - 5/27/2013

Currently struggling to keep our lives from spinning out of control.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Maryland
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no emotional attachment to my AP. My attachment was to the instant gratification of texting, knowing that he wanted me, etc.

I have been bs, ow, wg, in almost every relationship I've been in. It's a pattern of using men that I set up WAY early in life. I never really cared before my BS. I never cared about hurting others or myself. I had no idea how it affected me. I was lost, deep, in a guilt shame spiral using whatever I thought I needed to get out of it...drugs, shopping, stealing, men.

I'm really working very hard to change those patterns of behavior. It's hard work, but so worth it. You gotta get to the root of what makes you act out. IC can really help that.

Seeing the differences instead of the similarities can be dangerous.
Try not to set yourself apart.
No one on here has the exact same situation.

Don't be too flippant about NC being easy. Stay aware of thoughts and feelings. You never know, have a really shitty day and NC may be a little harder.

FWS me 38 (recovering addict)
BS him 41 AFrayedKnot
Together 10 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me tell you something, as a BS. Your type of situation is the type that makes my blood run cold with fright.

I say that, because my FWH had a ONS. With someone he meant on AFF who meant absolutely nothing to him. Not one damned thing. This is a man that, on the rare occasions that I had a thought about adultery pass through my mind, I was convinced that, should he commit it, it would be with someone that he fell in love with so deeply, that he would try to throw me out of the house, because of his deep love to love someone and be loved. I had boundaries for those "needy" women out there, who he might have KISA tendencies for, because I could not conceive of him trying to make love to someone who did not have a huge place in his heart.

And he went out and tried to screw nameless, faceless women. No connection, no caring, just a, pardon the vulgarity, hairy hole with no name. I apologize if this characterization has been overly offensive.

The point being, that if someone you love can commit so grievous an action against you, not for love, for caring, for tenderness towards another person, but because a nameless, faceless sort of person happened to be "there," then where is any sort of security for him? What does that say about your relationship with him? Is it special? If so, how, if you could give that specialness to essentially a stranger? Someone who meant nothing? What does that say about the sacred nature of your bond with him? Is it all a lie? Are you still looking for faceless, nameless sex? Will you still? Is what the two of you do fall under making love or just having a sexual itch scratched on your part?

These are all questions that I have asked myself. He's probably doing the same. His sense of specialness, of intercourse with you being so very much more than "just" sex, has had mud rubbed into it. Yeah, there is a horror to having the LTA, the meet-up with the old college flame, and so on. But there is also a special horror to having the person that you love give something so sacred to you, to a stranger. For no reason except to scratch an itch.

Please think about that when you're inclined to vent over your BHs inability to see that you are SO done with the AP.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9933 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 29971
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I don't think I need to heal from that WS perspective because I haven't had withdrawals

Bzzzz. Wrong. This is actually a pretty big thing you need to look into. Don't dismiss anything here, you can't afford to.

As far as you moving 3000 miles away, you're not getting rid of the problem because its with you anywhere you go. You're trying to escape YOURSELF but think its the environment. This too, needs to be dug into.

Eta: Your A was nothing remarkable or special. It was an EA heading toward a PA, correct? Where's the originality in that? Don't kid yourself here. I think you need a dose of introspection as well as reality.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 10:55 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1944 | Registered: Oct 2010
♀ 35387
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your A was not "different".

My WH also had an A with someone he had no feelings for. He went NC on Dday and now tells me he doesn't think of his AP at all (except when I bring her up).

He tells me he didn't have feelings for her, that she annoyed him. He tells me that She was simply there at the right time. It could have been anyone. He didn't have respect for her.

This is what is killing me. Knowing that he threw our life away for someone he had no feelings for. He didn't even want her as a friend. How can I stay married to someone like that?? What does he really feel for me? If he was so hurtful and uncaring before what has changed since the affair? What has he done to work on himself? How is his thought process different now?

It doesn't matter that you aren't having withdrawal, you still have the same work as every other WS. You still need to be transparent and remorseful. Don't be so proud of not having withdrawal, stop minimizing and own up to your choices. WH is proud that he doesn't have withdrawal from his AP and it makes me question how many other affairs he has had and if he really "gets" how wrong his affair really was.

[This message edited by Zayda1 at 8:58 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

Married 10 years, together for 12 years
2 children (9 years & 6 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 482 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ 21886
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no withdrawal from my AP either. I was like broevil; I enjoyed the instant gratification of the texting and knowing another man wanted me, even if he *was* just using me. All As are like soap operas - same basic storyline with different characters. There really is no "different" and you still need to follow the same basic advice given to all WSs - honesty, transparency and finding out your why. Whether you were "in love" with your AP or it was just meaningless sex, the pain your BH feels is just as devastating. You looked to someone else to get what you "needed", not him.

BH Cee64D - 50
FWW (me) - 51

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 6164 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband claims he has no feelings for the OW and never did. I don't believe him though. It makes me so angry to hear him say that. And if by chance that it's true then I don't want to be with a man who could betray me, destroy our family, my trust, my self esteem for someone he cares nothing about. That's just cruel.

Posts: 1825 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I need to heal from that WS perspective because I haven't had withdrawals.

Goodness! Withdrawals don't define an affair.

The thinking that set the stage for the first move, the thinking that let you behave as if it was okay to cheat... those define the affair.

"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6421 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Topic Posts: 8

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