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a different kind of A

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regrettingitall posted 7/27/2013 09:55 AM

I've been reading a lot in the Healing Library and I've been reading Not "Just Friends." I can't help but feel like my situation was different. NC has not been a huge problem. It was not hard to walk away from the ONS of OS (though in the afternoon). It was purely sexual on my side and his (except guilt crept in before I was ever touched, or even kissed. I have explained that to my H), spur of the moment and deeply regretted on both sides. We had agreed that it would never happen again. But my H found out about the OS via a text to my co-worker saying the OP was a selfish ass and used me. So I don't think I need to heal from that WS perspective because I haven't had withdrawals. I am just so full of remorse, shame, and regret. My H feels humiliated because he took the texts to my co-worker so literally, he thinks the only reason I felt bad was because I didn't get any sexual gratification out of it. He told me once, "you're only upset that he didn't slip it in like you wanted."

I understand that my issue revoles around why I need such "high thrill" arousal and why I sabotage or punish myself by ruining good relationships? It's been a pattern in my life. I thought moving 3000 miles away from my family and friends and previous ONS before my H would make it easier to make better choices. I still made horrible ones.

I am taking steps to secure counseling after recent schedule changes to avoid OP. I don't know. This was kinda a vent, I'd appreciate any insight.

[This message edited by regrettingitall at 9:58 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

SurprisinglyOkay posted 7/27/2013 10:39 AM

I had no emotional attachment to my AP. My attachment was to the instant gratification of texting, knowing that he wanted me, etc.

I have been bs, ow, wg, in almost every relationship I've been in. It's a pattern of using men that I set up WAY early in life. I never really cared before my BS. I never cared about hurting others or myself. I had no idea how it affected me. I was lost, deep, in a guilt shame spiral using whatever I thought I needed to get out of it...drugs, shopping, stealing, men.

I'm really working very hard to change those patterns of behavior. It's hard work, but so worth it. You gotta get to the root of what makes you act out. IC can really help that.

Seeing the differences instead of the similarities can be dangerous.
Try not to set yourself apart.
No one on here has the exact same situation.

Don't be too flippant about NC being easy. Stay aware of thoughts and feelings. You never know, have a really shitty day and NC may be a little harder.

Skan posted 7/27/2013 22:43 PM

Let me tell you something, as a BS. Your type of situation is the type that makes my blood run cold with fright.

I say that, because my FWH had a ONS. With someone he meant on AFF who meant absolutely nothing to him. Not one damned thing. This is a man that, on the rare occasions that I had a thought about adultery pass through my mind, I was convinced that, should he commit it, it would be with someone that he fell in love with so deeply, that he would try to throw me out of the house, because of his deep love to love someone and be loved. I had boundaries for those "needy" women out there, who he might have KISA tendencies for, because I could not conceive of him trying to make love to someone who did not have a huge place in his heart.

And he went out and tried to screw nameless, faceless women. No connection, no caring, just a, pardon the vulgarity, hairy hole with no name. I apologize if this characterization has been overly offensive.

The point being, that if someone you love can commit so grievous an action against you, not for love, for caring, for tenderness towards another person, but because a nameless, faceless sort of person happened to be "there," then where is any sort of security for him? What does that say about your relationship with him? Is it special? If so, how, if you could give that specialness to essentially a stranger? Someone who meant nothing? What does that say about the sacred nature of your bond with him? Is it all a lie? Are you still looking for faceless, nameless sex? Will you still? Is what the two of you do fall under making love or just having a sexual itch scratched on your part?

These are all questions that I have asked myself. He's probably doing the same. His sense of specialness, of intercourse with you being so very much more than "just" sex, has had mud rubbed into it. Yeah, there is a horror to having the LTA, the meet-up with the old college flame, and so on. But there is also a special horror to having the person that you love give something so sacred to you, to a stranger. For no reason except to scratch an itch.

Please think about that when you're inclined to vent over your BHs inability to see that you are SO done with the AP.

stilllovinghim posted 7/27/2013 22:52 PM

So I don't think I need to heal from that WS perspective because I haven't had withdrawals

Bzzzz. Wrong. This is actually a pretty big thing you need to look into. Don't dismiss anything here, you can't afford to.

As far as you moving 3000 miles away, you're not getting rid of the problem because its with you anywhere you go. You're trying to escape YOURSELF but think its the environment. This too, needs to be dug into.

Eta: Your A was nothing remarkable or special. It was an EA heading toward a PA, correct? Where's the originality in that? Don't kid yourself here. I think you need a dose of introspection as well as reality.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 10:55 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Zayda1 posted 7/28/2013 06:23 AM

Your A was not "different".

My WH also had an A with someone he had no feelings for. He went NC on Dday and now tells me he doesn't think of his AP at all (except when I bring her up).

He tells me he didn't have feelings for her, that she annoyed him. He tells me that She was simply there at the right time. It could have been anyone. He didn't have respect for her.

This is what is killing me. Knowing that he threw our life away for someone he had no feelings for. He didn't even want her as a friend. How can I stay married to someone like that?? What does he really feel for me? If he was so hurtful and uncaring before what has changed since the affair? What has he done to work on himself? How is his thought process different now?

It doesn't matter that you aren't having withdrawal, you still have the same work as every other WS. You still need to be transparent and remorseful. Don't be so proud of not having withdrawal, stop minimizing and own up to your choices. WH is proud that he doesn't have withdrawal from his AP and it makes me question how many other affairs he has had and if he really "gets" how wrong his affair really was.

[This message edited by Zayda1 at 8:58 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

Clarrissa posted 7/28/2013 21:11 PM

I had no withdrawal from my AP either. I was like broevil; I enjoyed the instant gratification of the texting and knowing another man wanted me, even if he *was* just using me. All As are like soap operas - same basic storyline with different characters. There really is no "different" and you still need to follow the same basic advice given to all WSs - honesty, transparency and finding out your why. Whether you were "in love" with your AP or it was just meaningless sex, the pain your BH feels is just as devastating. You looked to someone else to get what you "needed", not him.

Scubachick posted 8/2/2013 19:38 PM

My husband claims he has no feelings for the OW and never did. I don't believe him though. It makes me so angry to hear him say that. And if by chance that it's true then I don't want to be with a man who could betray me, destroy our family, my trust, my self esteem for someone he cares nothing about. That's just cruel.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/3/2013 00:06 AM

I don't think I need to heal from that WS perspective because I haven't had withdrawals.

Goodness! Withdrawals don't define an affair.

The thinking that set the stage for the first move, the thinking that let you behave as if it was okay to cheat... those define the affair.

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