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Jen posted 7/27/2013 11:22 AM

I do everyone of these. Except the ones dealing with kids. #19 hit hard ... What did I see back then, that I buried and am now afraid to uncover ? Nothing ? Something ? ... Hmmmm, must ponder this.

And I don't lie to myself as often as I used to about these things. When I get scared, confused, lonely ... I lie a lot about them. When I am in a good head space I seek the truth and actually find some comfort in it.

Maybe it will help someone else realize something about themselves, the W(x)S, or the D/S thing ect ...

little turtle posted 7/27/2013 12:40 PM

Hmm I don't lie about any of these.
#4 is true.
#14 I used to think, but my life is better now than it was when I was with XH.

I wonder if this is more accurate for people who have been divorced recently. As opposed to years ago.

Jen posted 7/27/2013 12:51 PM

I've been D'ed just over 3yrs now ... I still cycle through these. Now way more than before I have the truth fighting with the lies. Only when I am feeling dad lonely etc. Though, rest of the time I'm fine I know what is an what is not. Those other feelings make everything so cloudy an out of focus. Easy to get caught up in the lies ... specially at the time you don't see them as lies.

I'm rambling ... just pondering did I really love him or did I settle ? He took the edge off my fear but the first flag I remember was about 2 mo after we started dating .... an they sprout up throughout the rest of our time.

I hate when I get all thinky an shit makes my head hurt ....

inconnu posted 7/27/2013 12:57 PM

Some of them seem to fit into the "fear vs reality" line of thinking. When you're going through the divorce, the unknown future is scary, and you don't know what to expect. So you think you're going to act or feel one way, but eventually you figure it out.

That being said, I don't think I've lied to myself about being divorced. As I told bb on fb, I think I spent way too much time lying to myself during the marriage and false R to keep lying to myself now.

cayc posted 7/27/2013 13:39 PM

You know what one of the things I love most about being an adult is? I can ignore bullshit pop psychology claptrap and nonsense written by someone published in a news aggregator website.

Plus you have to remember that a lot of D articles and what not are predicated on D for other reasons than infidelity. So that blows a lot of what she says out of the water.

Hmm, I must be cranky today, but seriously. If you read something like this and it makes you insecure and worry about your post-D self? That's a sign to ignore ignore ignore ignore. Our recovery is hard enough without someone else trying to make us think we're lying to ourselves about how we feel.

Jen posted 7/27/2013 13:51 PM

Thank u cayc .... what u say does make a lot of sense. And I don't think ur cranky. I will b insecure with or w/o having read this.

Just shedding some light on things I already wonder about. It is pop psych for sure. I usually don't pay much attention to them ... a couple stories have struck me over the years though.

Author did mention cheating in one of the #'s bout sex. But ur right nowhere else. Doesn't say how the ones poled for this got D ... would be interesting to know that, now that u mention it.

IrishLass518 posted 7/27/2013 15:23 PM

Here are 20 lies divorced people tell themselves, (and my response, of course). These are my personal responses

1. I couldn't care less what happens to my ex.
I do care what happens to him as it will always effect our children. I am not responsible for what happens to him though

2. I hate when I'm not with my kids.

I don't hate it, I miss my son very much but I get uninterrupted me time to read, watch movies, chat with friends and I get to make spaghetti, which I love and IrishLad hates

3. I don't want to meet anyone and I'm never getting married again.

I don't want to meet someone right now, I have too many things that I am working on for me and I don't want to leave them undone. I don't believe I will marry again. There is too much risk in tying my financial and credit to another.

4. I know my ex will regret this someday.

I don't know if he will or not, it isn't up to me.

5. When I was married, I was really happy or When I was married, I was really miserable.

I was both from time to time. That didn't make it a bad marriage or him a bad husband or me a bad wife. It made it real.

6. Everyone knows the divorce was his/her fault.

Cheating was his fault the divorce became inevitable over the course of time. I could have stayed married and let him cake eat, I chose not to do that.

7. My attorney really hates my ex.

I never had an attorney so this doesn't apply

8. Even if I could find a way, I'd never be interested in checking out my ex's profile on dating sites or on facebook.

I have peeked in the past but I prefer no new hurts. I have been close enough to that fire enough times. I don't like getting burned.

9. I hate dating.

I really do hate dating, so much!!

10. The thought of having sex with my ex is repulsive.

Weird answer to this one. Thought of having sex with him now, YUCK! He is married and I would never want to be in that drama again.
Thought of having sex with him in the past, I have very fond memories of us and him and I am glad for the time we had then.

11. The thought of having sex with another man/woman is repulsive.

Another weird answer, it isn't repulsive but all I knew for so long was xWH so it is foreign. I have been attracted to other men, not enough to act on it though.

12. My kids are going to grow up and realize what my ex did to me.

They already know and I am grateful that they all still love their father. Their relationships are strained and they have lost respect for him and probably me over all of this but relationships change and heal. I am only responsible for my relationships with the kids.

13. I know how to stay away from dysfunctional relationships.

No I don't.

14. My life is really messed up, thanks to my ex.

No my life is pretty good despite my xWH.

15. I love my new life.

I like my new life a lot and I have a ton happening to the good. I have some on the bad side too, that is just life and I choose how to view it.

16. If I could just meet someone, I know my life would fall into place.

Nope, only I can make MY life right.

17. My ex's girlfriend is hideous looking.

Seriously, she is not pretty, adorable or any of that. Not being petty it is the truth. Many people I have known think she looks very similar to the wicked witch of the west minus the green pallor.

18. My ex is really jealous of the guy I'm dating.

Not dating anyone and who cares what my xWH would think.

19. My wedding day was the best day of my life.

No it wasn't the wedding either one of us wanted.

20. I don't care what other people think about me getting divorced.

So many people are divorced that it really doesn't give me a bad rep or anything. I think it actually gives people a good shared experience. You can meet a lot of new friends who are divorced too.

Nature_Girl posted 7/27/2013 17:43 PM

'Fraid I'm not terribly fond of the 20 lies.

1 - I do kinda care what happens to my STBX, but only because if he were to die or something my kids would be upset.

2 - I like my alone time. However, I hate sending my kids off to be alone with STBX because he's a sexual pervert who likes young girls and doing things to unconscious people.

3 - I'm open to the idea of meeting someone, but not at this time of my life. I'm still messed up enough that I think anyone interested in me as I am now would be a bad person. However, assuming I did meet a great guy, uh, I don't see me getting married. There would be no purpose for getting married. I will not ever again co-mingle my finances with someone. I do not wish to live with someone. I'm too old to have biological children. So the marriage bit just doesn't even make sense.

4 - I doubt STBX will ever regret this, other than the financial hit this has given. He's too character-disordered to regret losing me, though, or even not being with the kids.

5 - When I was married I was really miserable. There were SOME bright spots, but truly, it was an abusive marriage from the first year onwards, including cheating in the first year.

6 - I don't really care if people think the divorce was his fault, my fault, or our fault. Several years of good counseling got me to this point. I can't control what other people think.

7 - I don't think my attorney even thinks about my STBX. Why would he? This one is just juvenile.

8 - Oh, actually I am quite interested in STBX's dating life. Hey, isn't that why we're getting divorced? And as a good mother, it does matter to me who STBX dates because of the kind of women he prefers.

9 - I do hate dating. I hated it before I got married. I don't like it at all. I'm not looking forward to dating again. I had my fill of dating back in the 80's.

10 - Yes, the thought of sex with STBX is repulsive. That's why I stopped having sex with him.

11 - I really don't have any positive anticipation of having sex again. The thought fills me with dread. It is possible that the abuse I've endured has permanently destroyed my sexuality.

12 - Yes, one day my kids will know, and that breaks my heart. Who would want to know that about their father?

13 - I'm certainly learning a lot about dysfunctional relationships and how to spot unhealthy people.

14 - My life is very messed up thanks to STBX. I'm working on it.

15 - One day I hope to love my new life. Right now I'm still trying to survive getting away from STBX. But right now? Yeah, it's not so good.

16 - I'm not a teenager any more. I haven't thought like this since high school or early 20's. How old is the person who came up with this list?

17 - Uh, I've seen one of the OW. I showed her picture to a few people (attorneys, friends). They all think she's hideous.

18 - I'm not dating. But I know for a fact that STBX is obsessed if I am because he grills the kids about it.

19 - No it wasn't. It was a nice wedding. I like my wedding. But a best day? No. Again, how old is the person who made this list? The day my kids were born? They day I kicked STBX out of the house? THOSE were "best days".

20 - Actually, I don't care. Again, good therapy can do that for a person.

Helen of Troy posted 7/28/2013 10:15 AM

I understand points the article is trying to make but her explanations sound really simplistic and know it all. Some of these "lies" are actually truths with certain people. And sometimes these things we believe in the beginning are important like #13; not so much a lie but an overconfident attitude like "that won't happen to me", should be required reading for a freshly divorced person:
<bold>13. I know how to stay away from dysfunctional relationships. When people get divorced, they are vulnerable to getting into bad relationships. I'm not judging. I did it. Just realize what the relationship is, and DON'T MARRY THE PERSON!</bold>

[This message edited by will get by at 10:15 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

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