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its been a year and i cant forgive nor forget

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stillcantforgive posted 7/27/2013 13:56 PM

I met my fella over a year ago and we been together ever since, 3 days before my birthday last year he went out,didnt mind, we all need our space at times, next day he said he was busy shopping, for my birthday pressies,again defo didnt mind, my birthday came and he spoilt me rotten,and treated me amazingly, i knew id found my mr right! I was so happy, day later i came home from work and told him that one of girls i worked with confided in me about cheating on her boyfriend, i told him i couldnt believe it and whats my veiws where on cheating, he agreed, he didnt stay over that night due to being up extra early the following morning for work,i understood, so he went, i dont know why but i went on his facebook and seen a convosation to his male mate about his night out a couple of days before, i got curious and read it where he confessed to kissing and groping some girl he had a dance with that night, i was so upset with what i read, got him round, we argued at first he denied it until i told him id seen.the convosation between him and his mate, he appologised and told me it was a mistake and never ment for it to happen, and that he didnt know why he done it, i kicked him out and told him id see him the next day as i was too angry at him to look at him,next day came, we talked and decided to stay together and work through it,next month its my birthday again and a year since he did what he did, i forgive him for it, but i cant forget it, im a natural worrier anyways but i know on my birthday thats all im going to think about and i just cant forget it, i love my man, he treats me like a queen and i know hes sorry for what he did but its really hurt me and affected me, i dont know how to fully move on from it, the fact he cheated, the fact he betrayed my trust,the fact he lied about it,i know it was only a kiss and a grope but it makes me feel like hes settling until something better comes about,im so paraniod hes going to go off me, i really dont know what to do....

sad12008 posted 7/27/2013 17:49 PM

Welcome to SI, stillcantforgive; I'm glad you found us and hopefully you'll be able to get information and help here that will ultimately lead you to peace.

I can understand the anniversary (antiversaries as they're known around here) bringing it all churning to the forefront again; not a good feeling.

Gently, one thing a lot of people who come here quickly learn is to trust your gut. I think that's a little harder for those of us who have a natural bent to worry a bit more than we think others do. However, don't let that keep you from listening to what your gut may be telling you.

Sometimes people's stories resonate particularly with me, and elements of yours does. When my fwH and I met, we were together every day thereafter. We had the cheating conversation; I came with the shadows of prior relationship in college where I learned my boyfriend from many states away had a hometown honey the whole time we were together. As an aside, I was pretty naive; I thought if someone did all kinds of things to get you to date them, they must be available --not involved with someone else. I'd lived a sheltered life up 'til that point, I guess...small town, small high school, word gets around and you know everyone else's mother, so there was more accountability or else things must've have been really far underground.

My fwH found time to cheat on me while we were dating, too; I kind of caught him, and he apologized and gave me the 'I don't know why I did that's and so forth...and though hurt and scared, I thought we worked through it, that cheating had been stomped dead like a bug on the sidewalk. What I didn't know then is that generally speaking, cheating is like a has deep roots.

Why did he kiss and grope another woman? Why did he lie about having to get up extra early the morning after your conversation about cheating (was that on your b'day or a different day...wasn't quite clear). That shows intentionality to me. What had his plans been for that night?...there must've been plans if he was unable to stay?...or am I misinterpreting the timeline?

You say, he "told me it was a mistake and never ment for it to happen, and that he didnt know why he done it". Well, he didn't invent that line for sure. However, in my opinion, the barest minimum for moving beyond a betrayal begins with the betrayer figuring out the 'whys'. You don't want to think you've moved beyond something only to discover the only thing he's figured out is to not forget to log out of Facebook...or email...or whatever. Believe me on that one.

When I came here, it was as a result of looking up his email address on you, I can't tell you why. You're welcome to read my profile (you click on the smiley face) for the full Russian novel version. That's ALL. He had a mySpace account, and one friend, a female.

Suffering a betrayal turns your world on its head; your reaction and concern is entirely normal. You're not married to this guy, and I don't know how long you'd been together when this incident occurred, what your exclusivity was understood to be (I read that you definitely believed yourself to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship), absent of all that I'll zero in on the LYING. Do you want to be with someone who lies? What has changed for him that he won't lie again?

I hope I'm not terribly negative; forgive me if it seems so. I remember when I first posted, I got a response that was pretty blunt and I thought that person must just be projecting their experience onto mine. Certainly possible. However, in hindsight, that was the most beneficial thing much as it rubbed me wrong at the time.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

stillcantforgive posted 7/27/2013 19:02 PM

Sorry, he had to get up early for his job the next day,so i asked him not to stay,you see due to the job he does,he has a 4week rota,two weeks of mid shifts, a late shift week, then an early shift week, since then ive asked him why he did it, and he says he thought he could have his cake and eat it,and he was unsure if what he wanted from us, as he didnt think he wanted a serious relationship,as we'd only been together 5months,his whole family where shocked when they found out what he did, he is 8years older than me, im 24 and hes 32, he was in his previous relationship for 6yrs, and never cheated,.and i know first time for everything, i know he won't do it again, and i do trust him, its just getting past it and im really struggling with ways to get over it, ive started suffering from panic attacks and they are getting more frequent as my birthday draws closer,you asked about the lie, he doesnt lie to me, since the deception and betrayel we've had a 100% honesty upfront relationship, as he knows full well on how i feel about lies having being lied to about something entirely different my whole life, its the one lie and betrayel i cant get past :-(

stillcantforgive posted 8/8/2013 18:34 PM

Does anybody have ideas how i can move on from this?

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