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rmbrwen posted 7/27/2013 16:48 PM

Hi I am five days out from finding out my husband of seven years had a one night thing with a woman he found on Facebook whom he went to high school with. It was a day I had asked him to leave as he sometimes has an alcohol problem and passed out in the bathroom after verbally chastising me. He went to her. This was a year ago. According to him was an attempted bj and he could not perform so in his mind he is innocent and after all it was a year ago.....sigh. This is my second marriage. First husband left me for a man. Needless to say I have self confidence issues. He and I (current husband) want to work things out. We set up terms but he is trying to bargain. I'm hurt devastated

sad12008 posted 7/27/2013 18:24 PM

(((rmbrwen))) -hugs to you, this means.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this nightmare but glad you found SI...this place is a godsend. You are no longer alone, and everyone here gets what you're going through. So despite the painful circumstances, welcome.

Read, read, read here on SI. The Healing Library has a lot of good information; you can access it through the link (words in crimson red just above the words 'Contact Us' in the yellow box on the upper LH side of the page). Reading others' posts and the associated replies in the Just Found Out and General forums can help you learn a lot as well, starting with there's nothing new under the sun.

Right now it sounds like your wh is minimizing, denying, and otherwise not showing real remorse. Remorse is a whole lot more than saying 'sorry'. Infidelity blows your world to smithereens; sorry doesn't cut it.

It was a year ago to HIM. He and his affair partner (actual; intent is what matters here, not whether he could get a stiffy...and he's definitely guilty of intending of seeking out another woman and a blowjob) were THERE and so they've known; to you, this nightmarish revelation is 5 days old.

What's he doing about his alcohol problem?

Skan posted 7/27/2013 18:26 PM

Welcome. I'm sorry that you had the reason to find us, but I'm so glad that you did! We are here to support you. The weekends can be a bit slow, so please don't think that you're being ignored if not too many people respond immediately. The forum picks up again on Monday big time.

If you have not already done so, please look up to the left side of your screen for a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Read it. There is a lot of good information in there for you that has been written by people who have walked in your shoes. Also, any post on this forum with a bulls-eye next to is also has good info for you. Knowledge is power, so please, read.

Cutting to the chase, your BW cheated on you. He committed a sexual act, an act of intimacy, that should have only been performed with you. Further, he made the decision to contact the OW, make an arrangement to get together with her, get naked, and allow and encourage her to get sexually intimate with him. He "says" that he couldn't perform. He probably says that this was the first and only time too. And after all, it's been an Whole Year...

He is an adulterer. This probably wasn't his first time. Why? Well, because he is a liar and liars lie. And it's been a year for him? Well, it's been 5 days for you. And coming off of your previous marriage, it's even more shocking, if that's possible.

We set up terms but he is trying to bargain

Bargain? The fact that you are willing to even tolerate him in the house is a gift to him. He had best shut his mouth, pull his head out of his arse, and start doing anything and everything that YOU need for him to do. HE BOMBED YOUR MARRIAGE! Him thinking that he has the right to bargain about what you need to try to heal is like the Boston Marathon Bomber bargaining about if he should be able to get a weekend pass to go see a movie.

Please come back often and post. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

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