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Hope Karma and Peace At Last

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flygirl123 posted 7/27/2013 18:05 PM

Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself the question "what is WRONG with people?" I, myself, have not always made the right choice, or done the right thing...we all make mistakes. But, I DO try each and every day, not always without fail, to make the right choices for me and my boys. As a parent, I ask myself with every decision I make, "is this the right thing to do for me AND my kids." I have never, in my life, deliberately set out to hurt or deceive another human being...ever.

I can say this with complete certainty. The choices I have made have been deliberate...and I have thought them all through...maybe not well...but just the same, I have given them thought.

When I decided to marry and have my children, it was a conscious choice. When I decided that the life I had before children had to change, I did it for them. My children and their well-being became my complete focus. And...my marriage. I think it is fair to say that my FAMILY was my number one priority in my life. A choice that I made, and was completely committed to them. It was Christmas morning when my world began its epic crumble.

I am almost three years out from the beginning of, what I like to call The Journey Through Hell. And while I look back at the last three years and hardly recognize the woman then, I can still feel the phantoms of her anguish, heartbreak, self-doubt, and what was insurmountable grief. She believed that she would never survive this. That she had finally reached the end of her life, and was trying to process in her over-flowing brain, that THIS, this was how it was all going to end.

A few years before my own life collapsed, a girl that I went to high-school with, discovered that the man she had married and the father of her three children was having an affair and was leaving her. In her immense pain, she loaded her three tiny children into the family car and drove off down the highway. At some point during this ill-fated trip, she pulled her car across the median at a high rate of speed and crashed her car into the oncoming traffic and hit a semi-truck and trailer...head on. She and two of her children were instantly killed. We were all devastated and stunned. Why why why would she do such a thing? Why why why would she end the lives of her three beautiful children in such a way? Why would she end her own over something as silly as a divorce?

And now, after having walked in her very same footsteps, I understand the magnitude of her grief. I know the heaviness and the endless waves of pain, depression and suffering that she was going through. While I am very able to say I would NEVER make that same choice...I do understand completely the agony that brought her to that fateful choice.

And now, three years out...I can honestly say that there is hope. And peace. And while I still have bumps in the road...they are passable, and not nearly as rough as they were in the beginning. I still have to deal with an uncooperative ex who refuses to talk nice and be civil, ever...so we just don't speak. It's sad, but its better for me that way. He STILL can get under my skin, but no longer drops me to my knees.

Karma has arrived...but not with the fanfare, fireworks, and explosions that I was hoping for. But she came, nonetheless. My ex is bitter all the time, and is finally being held accountable for his choices...and he is really having to sleep in the bed he made...and it AIN'T pretty.

I learned today of a beautiful and kind woman I know, a mother of three beautiful children, whose husband turned and walked away for a piece of trash with no self-worth. When I look at where she is right now, still struggling, as many of us on here are...I can only offer her, and anyone else on here, that there IS HOPE...and PEACE...and HAPPINESS...at the end of this. The end does not have to be an end...but a new beginning. And it may not always, or often, come in the way of a new partner, but in learning who YOU are and what YOU want and just being happy with where you are. If you do find that with another person, I think there is nothing better...but the PEACE and HOPE and HAPPINESS will come...nonetheless.

Even through all of the hell...there is a rainbow at the end. I know. I was that girl who wanted to end it all because the pain was too much to bear. And now...three years later...I can finally wake up happy, content, and grateful to have gone through that hell...because I am better for it.

hangingontohope7 posted 7/27/2013 18:10 PM

Thank you.

soveryweary posted 7/27/2013 18:26 PM

So beaufiful. Just what I needed to read on this night.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/27/2013 19:14 PM

Thank you for sharing. Yes, there is hope and peace.

Vulcanized posted 7/27/2013 19:19 PM

Absolutely.

Very astute. Sometimes the walk just takes so very long .... I know I get impatient to finally get to the end of that road.

Kajem posted 7/27/2013 20:36 PM

When you're going thru hell, keep
going-Winston Churchill.

It was my signature when I first got here. It made sense then, and still does.

It gets better. Thanks for the reminder.

Hugs,

K

freshstart78 posted 7/27/2013 20:54 PM

I needed to hear this......your words rang beyond true to me. I have felt EXACTLY as you. Thank you tor putting my thoughts into words. God bless you

Blackhair posted 7/28/2013 12:36 PM

Big thank you for posting this here, it helps all of us when are going through hell and not sure what the future will be...... I can not wait the today when I look back and believe that i made the right decision.

Blackhair posted 7/28/2013 12:36 PM

Big thank you for posting this here, it helps all of us when are going through hell and not sure what the future will be...... I can not wait the today when I look back and believe that i made the right decision.

myperfectlife posted 7/28/2013 16:32 PM

Thank you for these words of inspiration from your heart.

FlySomeday posted 7/28/2013 19:00 PM

thank you so much for sharing your story.

Feeling Consumed posted 7/28/2013 20:00 PM

I am not totally there yet, but like you said, the road is not as bumpy. Thanks for the insight.

noescape posted 7/28/2013 20:08 PM

thank you for this.

STILLWANTHIM posted 8/1/2013 12:56 PM

Thank you, that was beautiful.

Faithful w/Love posted 8/1/2013 13:05 PM

Beautiful! Thank you and I feel the same as you.

NewMom0220 posted 8/1/2013 13:58 PM

The end does not have to be an end...but a new beginning. And it may not always, or often, come in the way of a new partner, but in learning who YOU are and what YOU want and just being happy with where you are.

^^THIS!!!!

Thank you! I needed this today. It's ironic that I also read a positive R story today where I posted a similar reply. As I was reading that positive R story I thought to myself, that is really nice, but I need to have hope for MYSELF no matter what the outcome.

crazyblindsided posted 8/1/2013 14:21 PM

Thank you for your post. It hits close to home for me as I tried to attempt suicide. i would have left two small children behind if I had succeeded. The MOW uses this info against me stating that I am a sick person and that my WH is staying with me because he is afraid I will commit suicide if he leaves.

I am not in S or D but I read here often because I don't really know where my M is headed.

Just wanted to say that it brings hope to us that are struggling to get out of that abyss.

StrongAlone posted 8/1/2013 16:47 PM

Thank you so much. Brought tears to my eyes.

Stillhurting1977 posted 8/1/2013 21:28 PM

This was a beautiful post to read. Thank you so much for sharing!

laney57 posted 8/2/2013 18:58 PM

Thank you Flygirl,
I save many posts which inspire me and read them daily. This is added. I'm so happy you made it!

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