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should I tell BH what my feelings were for the AP?

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Alyssamd24 posted 7/27/2013 18:12 PM

One of the things my BH and I have discussed is how quickly my A with AP started and spiraled out of control. My husband has questioned when I told him the A wasn't just about the sex and has asked me why didn't I just stop if I knew it was wrong.

He obviously asked me to stop talking to AP and was upset when he found out I hadn't.

The reasons for all these things, I thought, were because I had fallen in love with the AP. I know now that's not true, it was just the excitement and thrill of the A. But at the time I did think it was true and had the strong attachment to AP that made it hard to go NC.

Although I will likely get discouraging comments for this, I will admit that even now I still think of AP when I know I shouldn't...when it happens I try to block it and stop the thoughts .

I haven't told my BH the extent of the feelings I thought I had for AP because he said he didn't want to hear it. But not telling him makes me feel like I am still withholding information from him, which I also don't want to do.

WS-did you tell your BS the feelings you had (or thought you had) for your AP's?

BS- did you want to know? what was harder, knowing or not knowing?

mike7 posted 7/27/2013 18:24 PM

I pretty much told my wife that if she wanted her AP she could have him. I'd find someone else. It turns out, she really didn't want him after all.

seems to me if you are still fondly thinking of the AP perhaps that's what you really want and your BH is a second choice. Maybe your BH senses it and feels the same way.

Lilypad posted 7/27/2013 18:42 PM

I haven't told my BH the extent of the feelings I thought I had for AP because he said he didn't want to hear it. But not telling him makes me feel like I am still withholding information from him, which I also don't want to do.

If he doesn't want to hear it then honor that.

At the end of the day you are trying to make yourself feel better by really dumping this on him.

We make mistakes and we can't always make amends for all of them. Making amends isn't really about making us feel better, it should be about making another human being feel better.

Just my opinion.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/27/2013 18:56 PM

I didn't actually say I was thinking of him fondly.

I didn't really consider that it would be looked at that I was "dumping it on him" I was instead looking at this way....isn't not telling him keeping the truth from him, ie trickle truth?

My thought process was the reason I did a lot of what I did was because of the feelings I thought I had for AP....that maybe if my BH knew that it may help him understand the "why's" a little.

Lilypad posted 7/27/2013 19:04 PM

He has told you that he doesn't want to hear it.

I think at this point you should leave it alone and only tell him if he really wants to know at a later date.

In a way it is dumping it on him if he doesn't want to hear it. Trickle truth to me is when they want to know everything and the partner only gives out a little info out at a time.

You are just going to have to be patient. He might not be ready yet to hear it. And he might never be ready. You just have to respect that.

Like I said this is all just my opinion.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/27/2013 19:08 PM

Oh, Alyssa, this wasn't your question, but how are you ever going to get over the AP when you see him all the time? This post indicates to me that you've been lying to yourself, and're still carrying a torch for that lying cheater, and that's why you don't want to find a new job. It is time you admit that, and choose. I echo Mike7's sentiments.

Many of us WSs, maybe especially WWs, IDK, go through withdrawal. My IC said the excitement and thrill of the illicit A is not "like a drug," it is actually a drug, it releases a chemical in your brain.

I'm afraid you'll be stuck in perpetual "stage one withdrawal," as long as you continue to see your AP. He'll only recede from your thoughts when you've had him in your rear-view for awhile. At least, that was my experience. I look back at what I posted here, about going through withdrawal, a couple of months ago, and now I can barely remember feeling that way.

If your BH doesn't want to know what your feelings were, don't tell him. But, come on, you've been on SI long enough to know that the whole "I'm withholding information to spare his feelings" line is selfish bullshit. Tell him whatever he wants to know.

You asked what I told BH. The truth, because he asked. The APs both used the "L" word with me, but I did not. Somehow I retained a firm enough grasp on reality to understand I didn't love them, but I was very confused by my feelings, because Iike you my As spiraled out of control quickly.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/27/2013 19:13 PM

I didn't actually say I was thinking of him fondly.

You didn't have to. Why else would you try to block thoughts about him? IMHO you're in denial.

LiedtoLucy posted 7/28/2013 13:48 PM

My WH did tell me that he loved his AP. still hurts. I think that I am waiting for him to say he was wrong.... That he never really loved her by sadly I don't think he has realized that yet. Those words hurt me so much. But

LiedtoLucy posted 7/28/2013 13:52 PM

Sorry submitted to soon.. But if he were to tell me that he did realized he didn't really love her I would feel so much better because I do feel like second choice because of it. I feel like he stayed b/c of the kids.. Not ME. He isn't breaking his back to price his love for me.

uncertainone posted 7/28/2013 14:30 PM

I haven't told my BH the extent of the feelings I thought I had for AP because he said he didn't want to hear it. But not telling him makes me feel like I am still withholding information from him, which I also don't want to do.

Feelings are not "information". They are perceptions that can be altered with acknowledgement of reality or heightened with artificial meaning attached.

I have an idea. Focus on your daughter. Being a good mom to her. Her needs. Her development. You stated she's in preschool, so around 4, right? The amazing little beings they are.

Doesn't the thought of sharing her preschool experience with the AP's child seem a bit blasphemous to you? Not sure how you combine those two worlds and question why you're not progressing.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/28/2013 19:08 PM

Actually I know why I am not progressing....I have admitted to that and am working on it.

My daughter is fine....she is a very intelligent, happy, loving 4 year old who has two parents who love her more than anything and no matter what is happening between us, we have and will continue to not let it effect her.

I may have fucked up many things and made many bad choices...but I am a damn good mother to my little girl.

Mrs Panda posted 7/28/2013 19:09 PM

No I don't think so. Feelings are fickle. I thought I had something with the OM. It was nothing to do with true love. I didn't really know him. How can you, when you see this person for a limited time in a fantasy world with no real obligations?

I would encourage you to examine your motivation behind wanting to tell BH. Mine was anger, He seemed indifferent about A. I told him I thought I wanted a life with the oM and suddenly he was really fucking angry. I got the reaction I wanted. I wanted to know he cared. And part of me also wanted to just talk about the OM, to keep him "alive" in my head.

Shockedman posted 7/28/2013 19:21 PM

Thats a tough one. I am only 2 months out since d-day 1 and 1 week out from d-day 2 and my WW has professed her love for AP since d-day one. It hurts like a bitch. It does make me feel second best, but at this point and I m not sure what we are doing. Now we are both in IC and I am really looking hard at my life. I know WW will likely come out of the fog completely and after some serious IC, come to the conclusion that she was in love with the way the A made her feel as many here on SI say. But how long will it take? Will I be willing to wait?

I agree with people here. Don't tell him unless HE wants to know. You are just dumping on him to relieve your own stress. Pay the price of your mistakes by keeping quiet.

PhantomLimb posted 7/28/2013 19:36 PM

My (x)WS didn't tell me that he loved her-- just that he "cared" about her but, otherwise, he played down the relationship as "mutually using." He accused her as being the one who "got attached."

At the same time, he resisted anyone who tried to tell him that she probably wasn't a very nice woman. He admitted he used to bring her back to our place when I wasn't there, take her daughter out to the petting zoo and the park, take them out to dinner. He played "daddy/husband" with OW for weeks. So I think, on some level, it had to be love. And I got the ILYB speech at one point... so it stands to reason.

After DDay #2 (he took the A underground) and we S/NC-ed, it took awhile but I was also able to look back on the 2-3mos of the A and remember how much he talked about her, how hard NC with her had been for him and, ultimately, it felt like he chose her over me. He continued to swear until the end that the A and his refusal to R wasn't about replacing me with her (just that he was too messed up to R), but I have very little doubt they are probably still together.

All that said, the fact that he didn't tell me he loved outright her helps a little. I can speculate, but I still have plausible reasons to deny it. Given everything else I have to deal with now, I do think that was kinder.

canteat posted 7/28/2013 19:50 PM

BS here. I look at it this way-don't tell him if he doesn't want to hear it. He may change his mind at some point and want to know more, he may not. Each of us absorbs information at different rates and our minds change with what we want to know. At first I thought I wanted to know EVERYTHING but now I feel there is some information I just don't need or want. There is information that BS need to know to help them heal (which is different for each person), then there is information that will only add to mind movies and obsessive thinking about the A. These serve no purpose in helping to R. They are a torture to the BS.

I found texts/emails between my WH and OW about how much they loved each other and how they were talking about getting married and building a life together. I didn't have an option to hear about this or not. Turns out it was all bullshit but it is hard for me to get over those words/feelings. Sometimes I don't believe it was fantasy and worry that it was real. I want to believe that what my WH and I have is what's real but I waver. I question. I worry. I also think that maybe if I had heard about these things when I was feeling safer and more secure in R that it wouldn't bother me so much. I would be able to view it as "that was then and this is now" instead I wonder.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/28/2013 20:09 PM

Thank you everyone. It is definitely helpful to get the opinions of BS's.

I am not going to tell gut feeling had been not to, especially since he doesn't want to know. But like I said I didn't know if it was considered TT. If he does change his mind at any point I will tell him the truth.

LosferWords posted 7/28/2013 20:17 PM

I think a good way to approach it would be to let him know that you will tell him any information he needs. Let him drive the level of detail that he asks for. That might be a good way to be open and honest with him, yet at the same time not destroy him with more information than he can currently handle.

StrongerOne posted 7/28/2013 20:34 PM

BS here. If he does not want to hear it, don't tell him. BUT you should tell him that you are going to write it down, along with a timeline, which you will put away, so that if he ever wants to know, he can ask you for it. And that you're doing this because you want to be able to answer him truthfully and fully if he should ever ask.

As for your daughter. I am sure you feel terrible when folks here tell you to be a better mom. Alyssa, can't you see that the time you spend thinking about your AP, avoiding him or thinking about how to avoid him, the attention you are giving him in your head, don't you see that this is taking away time and thought from your daughter and from your husband?

I spent many months trying to let my husband continue his "friendship" with his MCOW, I told him that as long as they were professionals and just friends it was ok with me -- but Alyssa, really it wasn't and I fear that it isn't for your BH either. Even when he finally went NC with her except for minimal work related communications, it was clear that just seeing her from across the office took his heart and his mind away from his wife and his child.

He was not really able to focus truly on me and our child until his MCOW got a new job. That's when we really started to R. That's when he became again the great dad he had been.

I feel for your BH and your dd, but also for you. I fear that if you do not do the right thing and put yourself in a situation that takes you physically away from your ap, that you are going to lose your family.

I wish you Strength to you to do the right thing.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 8:35 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]

Trying33 posted 7/29/2013 01:33 AM

Don't tell him if he doesn't want to know. Deep down he probably knows the level of attachment/love/feelings, whatever you want to call it.

My H doesn't want to know and like Mrs P, I initially wanted him to know for many of my own selfish reasons. Fact is, I think he knows by the way I reacted during withdrawal etc.

Perhaps he and your BH just don't feel safe enough knowing right now and that must be respected.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 7/29/2013 01:57 AM

I would not tell him if he said he doesn't want to know. As a BS my advice is answer honestly his questions.

My WH told me he cared about OW and thought of her as a friend. After DDay I found an email where they wrote I love you forever to each other. WH said he didn't love her. I think during the A he thought he did. I am not sure what changed other than he said he realized it was just fantasy. This hurt me so much. I told him I didn't want to be second best.

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