I just got through a visit from my mom. I have all these thoughts going through my head and I feel the need to purge. I was deciding between posting in OT or here but deep inside I know that my waywardness is related to my upbringing so I figured I'd put it here.
Things I already knew about my mother but each time she comes for a visit they still cut me to the core.
The first thing is that she cannot/will not/ does not express emotions. There is no warmth, no feeling in anything she does. Something she said struck me and made me very sad. She came back from visiting my aunt, her sister, who has leukemia. I knew it was a rough day for her. My mom came in and told us how Aunt J was and she stopped herself because she was getting choked up and then said, "But I'm good, I won't cry." And I couldn't help but think, Why not? Why not cry? Your sister has a terrible disease and you don't know if you'll see her again, just cry!
I remember her holding back tears, always. Or saying, "I was good, I didn't cry" whenever she got into an upsetting situation.
Growing up in my house feelings were scary. They were minimized or not addressed or you were chastised for them. This is why the SI mantra "You have to feel it to heal it" has become so important to me. I needed to stop being afraid of my feelings. Sad is okay. Angry is okay. Talking about it is okay. We never talked about anything in my house.
Another thing I realized (again) about my mom that really hurts and gives me a sick feeling inside is how mean she is. I mean, to people in public. We went for lunch and she was so condescending to the waitress. Just snippy and snotty and mean. It was embarrassing to be with her and I try to overcompensate by being overly sweet to the waitress but I felt terrible.
And we went for dinner that same night and it was the same thing. But LD was there and he joked about it to the waitress and then my mother changed her tune.
Every conversation she has is judgmental or nasty. She was talking about my brother's wife and something in their marriage and I said, "I do not stick my nose in people's marriages, it's none of my business."
Two things about that-my brother is one of my favorite people in the world so don't go there, and secondly, my parents have just about the worst marriage in the world so STFU because who are you to even say anything?
I found out today that she told my daughter when they were shopping for dresses for my brother's wedding that she was too fat for a certain dress. That was over 7 years ago but my heart just broke.
Thanks for listening.