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authenticnow posted 7/27/2013 19:40 PM

I just got through a visit from my mom. I have all these thoughts going through my head and I feel the need to purge. I was deciding between posting in OT or here but deep inside I know that my waywardness is related to my upbringing so I figured I'd put it here.

Things I already knew about my mother but each time she comes for a visit they still cut me to the core.

The first thing is that she cannot/will not/ does not express emotions. There is no warmth, no feeling in anything she does. Something she said struck me and made me very sad. She came back from visiting my aunt, her sister, who has leukemia. I knew it was a rough day for her. My mom came in and told us how Aunt J was and she stopped herself because she was getting choked up and then said, "But I'm good, I won't cry." And I couldn't help but think, Why not? Why not cry? Your sister has a terrible disease and you don't know if you'll see her again, just cry!

I remember her holding back tears, always. Or saying, "I was good, I didn't cry" whenever she got into an upsetting situation.

Growing up in my house feelings were scary. They were minimized or not addressed or you were chastised for them. This is why the SI mantra "You have to feel it to heal it" has become so important to me. I needed to stop being afraid of my feelings. Sad is okay. Angry is okay. Talking about it is okay. We never talked about anything in my house.

Another thing I realized (again) about my mom that really hurts and gives me a sick feeling inside is how mean she is. I mean, to people in public. We went for lunch and she was so condescending to the waitress. Just snippy and snotty and mean. It was embarrassing to be with her and I try to overcompensate by being overly sweet to the waitress but I felt terrible.

And we went for dinner that same night and it was the same thing. But LD was there and he joked about it to the waitress and then my mother changed her tune.

Every conversation she has is judgmental or nasty. She was talking about my brother's wife and something in their marriage and I said, "I do not stick my nose in people's marriages, it's none of my business."

Two things about that-my brother is one of my favorite people in the world so don't go there, and secondly, my parents have just about the worst marriage in the world so STFU because who are you to even say anything?

I found out today that she told my daughter when they were shopping for dresses for my brother's wedding that she was too fat for a certain dress. That was over 7 years ago but my heart just broke.

Thanks for listening.

GraceisGood posted 7/27/2013 20:22 PM


knightsbff posted 7/27/2013 22:11 PM


When I am faced with a barrage of unhealthy from my FOO it's always a little scary and unsettling at first.

Then I try to be thankful that I am learning to do better and that I have help with that so I can hopefully spare my kids some heart ache.

Deeply Scared posted 7/27/2013 22:37 PM


I just love you so very much...thank you for sharing this with everyone

Jrazz posted 7/27/2013 22:40 PM


Everything you wrote about your mom reminds me of my mom. The house motto was "rise above it", and I was never in more trouble than if I was sad, scared, or sick.

I completely understand, and my heart goes out to you.

I'm just so sorry love - it's really hard.

LosferWords posted 7/28/2013 01:26 AM


We've had some FOO issues hitting us in our household pretty hard lately as well. It's certainly rough.

Take care, and hugs.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/28/2013 05:44 AM


BaxtersBFF posted 7/28/2013 07:08 AM


authenticnow posted 7/28/2013 07:46 AM

Thank you for all the support.

One thing I am grateful for is that I learned how important it is to show love to my kids by doing the opposite of what my mother did/does.

They know I love them and that they are always safe to come to me with anything.

Like Knightsbff said, I am learning to do better. It's just a very bad feeling when she comes here and the old feelings come back to the surface and it takes a lot out of me.

Right now I'm feeling for my brother and SIL because we did the hand-off yesterday and she is there until Tuesday.

When LD and I were pulling away, we high fived for making it through and did a sigh of relief.

OnAnIsland posted 7/28/2013 08:23 AM

A hug for you. That is terribly rough. It is amazing how foo contact can take us back to those roles so quickly. But there is so much to be proud of in your clarity about the unhealthy-ness and your decision to live and be differently. And in your teamwork and mutual support with LD. Hugs. Enjoy your Sunday.

metamorphisis posted 7/28/2013 08:25 AM

I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to have all that invade your home every so often. I'm proud of you for talking it out. And even more pleased for you that you and LD can deal with her as a team.

tired girl posted 7/28/2013 08:29 AM


I certainly understand how unbalancing it can be to be around parents that are unhealthy. Where did your mother learn the whole don't cry thing?

jo2love posted 7/28/2013 10:43 AM


When LD and I were pulling away, we high fived for making it through

Love this! Perfect example of how strong of a team you and LD are (with a side of sense of humor).

I am so sorry for what she said about your DD. Your DD is beautiful, smart, and wonderful.

authenticnow posted 7/28/2013 12:36 PM

LD and I spoke on the way home (3 hour drive with the lovely LI/NYC summer traffic!) yesterday and I told him that I appreciated him helping me get through this and supporting me in it. We have made a lot of progress in dealing with our FOO issues, separately and together. It is huge in dealing with this.

TiredGirl, I really don't know. My siblings and I have spent time talking about this and cannot figure it out. I've stopped trying because I'm not owning any of it and I can't fix her. I grew up with my grandparents in the apartment downstairs from us. My grandmother was a warm, loving woman who I spend a lot of time with. "Going downstairs to Nanny's" was my salvation as a child. She died when I was 15 and I was devastated. My grandfather was a hard worker who spent a lot of hours out of the house and when he was home she doted on him. He was more closed off and the kids had to be much more reserved around him. He was a loving family man, though. He outlived my grandmother by about 20 years.

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