SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

huRtZ413 posted 7/27/2013 19:50 PM

Im out the flatness today its was going on for sometime now i feared i would never leave it because i felt cold to everything ....but now i feel maybe it wasn't so bad because i feel bad again .

So weird thing is i believe that WH will not cheat again this cheat isn't in his character and for all the years i've known him he's been the one to step up and do whats right no matter the situation . he confessed right after his cheat and was horrified because like he said it goes against everything he believes he's a guy that lives by a code FAMILY -INTEGRITY -HONOR and his whole life it has been just that until now. He is trying really hard makes all attempts now to make a mends hes attentive with our girls and me and he talks so much more he makes kind gestures and assures me that im his whole world and how im the best thing that has ever happened to him and he was so wrong on so many levels and he understands i dont trust anymore but says he will be the best husband and father and that ill see how committed he is .

i hate that i cant talk to anyone in the same situation because i feel like ours is so diff like a finger print . i hate that sometimes ppl here say are you sure you got the full story or if its even the first time ?? nothing is curtain but YES i do believe he told me all and bared it all and it was the first time hes ever strayed . WHY cause my gut tells me its the truth just like my gut told me something was off that horrible night i knew what he was going to tell me when he sat me down.

i think im lucky in a way that my WH didnt drag me along for months with TT though the truth hurt i got it and any questions i had he had no issues sharing with me so im left without questions and the fact that now i have process it all .

i guess this is a vent because i dont know how to explain what i feel everyday i think of leaving , or getting back at him then i think how horrible am i when he is clearly trying and is attentive and caring for me when im sad making me dinner cleaning take over everything around the house taking me out planning on buying me my dream home....then i think why leave the next guy will do to me too and probably wont be as sorry or as remorseful as my WH

i guess i need a time frame in which i should move on....idk because i dont want my whole life to be full of pain and stare at the man that swore to protect me and honor me .

AFrayedKnot posted 7/27/2013 21:00 PM

(((Hurtz413)))

This roller coaster is crazy making isn't it. It does get easier with time.

I too am coming out of the flatness but this time I am grateful to be able to feel again. When I was in it I longed to be angry or something.

All of our situations are different but they all share a common thread. We all can relate if we look at the similarities. The help and support is here.

I sometimes feel out of place because I knew how broken my fWS was when I met her. This was not that much of a surprise to me really. But it doesn't make it any less devastating.

It does get better with time and work.

mysticpenguin posted 7/28/2013 17:23 PM

Well honestly I don't think either of you are alone here....

Hurtz, my WH "only" had 2 ONS and one purely sexual fling, no emotional attachment... And Chicho, I knew my WH was likely to betray me when we married. I used to say it to him and to others often. I know of other members whose stories relate to yours. Skan comes to mind.

Regardless of the backstory or details, the tune of the tale is the same: betrayal. Everything I've experienced so far tells me the recovery from this type of infidelity is the same as recovery from a LTA or EA or STA. It hurts just as much, just in a slightly different way.

(((((Hugs)))))

Skan posted 7/28/2013 19:34 PM

Hey sweetie. I hear you. I do. As mysticpenguin said, your WH and my FWH sound like they could be related in some ways. A ONS, single, my gut tells me so. Not that he didn’t try for more he did. He was on AFF looking for a f-buddy. He was, before this, I would say an honorable, godly man. He was horrified at what he had done too, and when I confronted him, he pretty much became the poster child for a remorseful spouse. We saw a MC (now my IC) 6 days after DDay. He saw an IC that he is still seeing about 10 days after DDay. He slept on a couch next to the bedroom because I couldn’t bear for him to be in the same bed with me, but I would have horrible, PTSD nightmares, and he would hear them, come in to wake me and comfort me, and then go back to the couch.

Yet at 4 months out, I still wasn’t sure that I wanted to be with him. As a matter of face, we had such a blow out fight over his masturbating, that I almost threw him out of the house. I hated him, I wanted him dead, I loved him, I wanted him to hold me, I wanted to break every glass in the house (I actually broke quite a few), I wanted to F-ING LEAVE and go ANYWHERE he was not. I wrote this in my journal:

I feel like Sally, the GF of Jack O’Lanturn. Mostly dead, all stitched together with hideous, big stitches, loosing parts of myself every so often, and trying to sew myself back together. The raw, gaping wounds are starting to close, but when I look in the mirror, I see angry, puckered flesh, large black scabs, and I wonder what the scarring is going to look like. Sometimes I have to pull the scabs away and bleed again, because I see pus forming beneath. The pain isn’t as sharp it’s dull, like a knife that’s been abused. I just have this constant state of sadness with me. There are some bright spots, but the sadness just wells up and spills out one tear at a time.

You know something? Pain is pain. We all have different reasons why we’re here, but the commonality is pain. Pain of betrayal. No matter if it was one time or only the gods know. No matter if the AP was a best friend, a relative, a stranger, a hooker, someone of the same sex. It’s all betrayal. And we all have our hurts, our own FOO issues that kick into our pain, and our own tolerances.

I think that your feelings at the point in time where you are, are perfectly normal. Understandable. Maybe this was a deal-breaker for you. It very well could have been. But here’s the deal. You *don’t* have to decide right now. You can wait until you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you want to stay or go. I gave my FWH 1 year that I committed to working on R and our marriage, in that order, so that there would be time for all of the emotions to flow and for him to be able to show me that I could be safe with him again. I always reserved the right to walk if I just Could Not Take It Anymore. And I did see a lawyer. But it wasn’t until about month 9 that I made the decision that I was definitely going to stay. Recently it’s been hard again. I found out about a carefully hidden lie that FWH had hid from me and frankly, it set me back a lot. We’re still working our way out of that. Trust is an issue right now hell, I walked out of the house for 3 days and, had he not handled the aftermath of that lie the way he did, we would be separated right now. But again, that’s the thing. You take the time that YOU need. Listen to your gut. You’ll know when it’s time to stay or to go. (((hugs)))

BTW, you feel free to PM me any time you want to, sistah!