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anger and foo

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imagoodwitch posted 7/27/2013 21:46 PM

Growing up, in my highly dysfunctional family, anger was bad. We saw it every weekend with some violence thrown in.

I never used to get angry, I used to just stuff it down unless I needed to defend myself.

I am angry all the time now and I can't express it because I don't know how.

I was never taught a healthy way to express it.

Growing up I saw anger expressed by throwing things, screaming and physical violence.

What are healthy ways to express anger?

I am so angry at WS right now I can't even talk to him, I don't want to talk to him.

I'm also angry with myself for staying, the A was a deal breaker for me, I'm just admitting this to myself but I am afraid to say it out loud to anyone.

Kajem posted 7/27/2013 22:00 PM

I can relate. When XH left I was numb. When he started messing with my kids, I had never felt so much rage. I needed to physically release it.

I beat a tree trunk with a nerf bat, chopped wood, yanked weeds till my lawn had no weeds, learned to hit a heavy bag. I ran, biked, walked for miles and miles.

Releasing the anger was the only way I could sleep.



Take2 posted 7/28/2013 09:30 AM

I think Kajem covered the physical aspect quite well. Be physical just not destructive. I moved 7 tons of mulch the summer after Dday.

The exception on being destructive might be burning some old mementos.

Beyond that - venting helps, here and in a journal. I know I suddenly started swearing - (so not who I used to be), and I couldn't really understand the fierce impulse to swear. Just talking about the situation with friends, the crap that came out of my mouth.... I didn't swear at people, mind you. I read a study where they showed that swearing can help you endure pain longer - it makes sense. As the pain dulled, the swearing started to ebb.

I also think the good old "primal scream" can help release some of the anger.

simplydevastated posted 7/28/2013 10:29 AM

I was so pissed off one time I grabbed my two pillows from my bed, shut and locked the bedroom door, walked into my closet and shut the door and screamed into the pillows until my throat hurt. I felt better.

I also grew up in house where there was screaming and fighting. My father would throw anything in sight from a full sugar bowl to a heavy oak bar stool

The best thing that I do when I feel like I'm going to explode is to just walk away. I'll leave the room and sit on bed and try to calm down. Once I'm calm I can address the issue like I want to. Sometimes it's hard when my husband follows me. But for the most part it works.

The physical things mentioned from the other posters are great as well. You just need to find something productive to do with the anger.


Althea posted 7/28/2013 10:47 AM

Anger is a difficult one for me and my WH. He learned early on that his anger was unacceptable and I had a family like yours where the anger I saw was totally scary and out of control. I had learned to deal with my anger by setting it aside and trying to move on. It really doesn't work. So now if I am angry, I tell him. I tell him exactly how angry I am. I find physical releases like running also help a lot.

If you can get to IC, this is a good place to work through this one. It took me a while to understand just how much I was repressing the anger.

The other thing that helped me a lot was that my IC told me that anger is a cover up emotion, usually for sadness or the pain associated with the betrayal. It is a protective emotion. When I can think about it that way, it helps me untangle the unbridled rage a bit.

imagoodwitch posted 7/28/2013 11:41 AM

Cleaning used to work.

I would furiously clean the house and have a screaming fit in my head.

I tried that yesterday, it didn't work

I'm now going to go outside and weed the gardens. My house looks abandoned

Then I am going to sit myself down and think of what it making me angry, if it doesn't come to me while I am weeding.

I need to figure out why I'm so angry, it hit the tip of the iceberg while talking to my Mom a few minutes ago.

Off to weed!

Please keep your thoughts coming.

I know this is related to my other post about debt consolidation.

[This message edited by imagoodwitch at 3:25 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]

RedRaven posted 7/28/2013 12:11 PM

Sounds like the same type of childhood I experienced. I always thought I was tough and just buried it deep. You have a right to be angry. Feel it and own it, don't let WS make you feel guilty for it. Sometimes I just went in another room and cried. Helps a great deal to let it out. Be careful, my anger caused depression, never thought anger was a symptom. Stay strong and know that a lot of us empathize with the way you are feeling.

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