A couple weeks ago (while my WH was at Kids Kamp with the 2 oldest), he received a letter in the mail from a woman whose name I didn't recognize.
Well, I opened it and read it. Felt my blood pressure rising as I read about "Its been a year since we last talked and I was afraid that I was too harsh" (It has been almost a year since the last Dday).
The letter went on to say "I realize you may need my friendship more now than ever and I'm praying for you and Phoenix9 (me)" HUH???
So I looked her up on facebook. Aha!
Turns out she's an old HS friend of WH who had ALWAYS crushed hard on him but he always told me that he would/could never be romantically interested in her. blah blah blah
Fast forward to me reactivating his facebook account and reading a rather lengthy convo between him and her (about a year ago).
He told her that he had really loved her back then and that he wished he had dated her. He loved her parents and they always made him feel like a part of the family. (Grant it - he was drunk at this time and very angry with me).
He actually said: "God only knows how I wanted to dump (Phoenix9) for you on the night of your graduation". What????
Well, I went on to read a week long convo with a female cousin (to whom he has a weird obsession with) as he spewed so much hatred and contempt for me.
Things like, "If it wasn't for the kids, I'd definitely have left"
"I thought I loved her but now I think I never did."
"Having sex with her is like masturbating with a vagina"
All this was said RIGHT BEFORE the 2nd ONS affair.
Recently he has started drinking again (major trigger since that is how everything always starts for him). I'm FINALLY coming down HARD and he is essentially freaking out.
I told him to stop looking at porn and last night I ended up alone in the basement guest room because the thought of sleeping alone in OUR room down the hall from where he was drinking and jerking his d*** made me so angry and nauseous.
I've spent the better part of today crying. He's kept his distance while trying to pull me into him still with "I really do love you" and all that.
When I laid down after putting our 2yo down for a nap, he came in there to lay down too. I began to sob. I just couldn't stand being that close to him.
He just said, "I'm gonna be good from now on." I'm like, what the heck?? I told him that its not about saying he'll be good, but understanding WHY I NEED him to adhere to these certain standards of behavior. To understand WHY I need that.
Last night he had ALL kinds of excuses and was downright horrible to me about it.
Sorry for ranting and rambling on. I don't know if this makes any sense.
But, alas, I'm sticking to my guns and am sleeping downstairs again tonight.