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A couple weeks ago (while my WH was at Kids Kamp with the 2 oldest), he received a letter in the mail from a woman whose name I didn't recognize.

Okaaaaay......

Well, I opened it and read it. Felt my blood pressure rising as I read about "Its been a year since we last talked and I was afraid that I was too harsh" (It has been almost a year since the last Dday).

The letter went on to say "I realize you may need my friendship more now than ever and I'm praying for you and Phoenix9 (me)" HUH???

So I looked her up on facebook. Aha!

Turns out she's an old HS friend of WH who had ALWAYS crushed hard on him but he always told me that he would/could never be romantically interested in her. blah blah blah

Fast forward to me reactivating his facebook account and reading a rather lengthy convo between him and her (about a year ago).

He told her that he had really loved her back then and that he wished he had dated her. He loved her parents and they always made him feel like a part of the family. (Grant it - he was drunk at this time and very angry with me).

He actually said: "God only knows how I wanted to dump (Phoenix9) for you on the night of your graduation". What????

Well, I went on to read a week long convo with a female cousin (to whom he has a weird obsession with) as he spewed so much hatred and contempt for me.

Things like, "If it wasn't for the kids, I'd definitely have left"

"I thought I loved her but now I think I never did."

"Having sex with her is like masturbating with a vagina"

All this was said RIGHT BEFORE the 2nd ONS affair.

Recently he has started drinking again (major trigger since that is how everything always starts for him). I'm FINALLY coming down HARD and he is essentially freaking out.

I told him to stop looking at porn and last night I ended up alone in the basement guest room because the thought of sleeping alone in OUR room down the hall from where he was drinking and jerking his d*** made me so angry and nauseous.

I've spent the better part of today crying. He's kept his distance while trying to pull me into him still with "I really do love you" and all that.

When I laid down after putting our 2yo down for a nap, he came in there to lay down too. I began to sob. I just couldn't stand being that close to him.

He just said, "I'm gonna be good from now on." I'm like, what the heck?? I told him that its not about saying he'll be good, but understanding WHY I NEED him to adhere to these certain standards of behavior. To understand WHY I need that.

Last night he had ALL kinds of excuses and was downright horrible to me about it.

Sorry for ranting and rambling on. I don't know if this makes any sense.

But, alas, I'm sticking to my guns and am sleeping downstairs again tonight.

Oh ((((Phoenix9))))

I'm so sorry for your pain, it hurts so much to read those horrible things he has said.

As for 'being good' - he just doesn't get it, does he? He needs to change the way he thinks and behaves, NOT just 'white knuckle it' to stick to 'your rules'.

Sending you continued strength, nothing about this is easy.

((((Phoenix9))))

oh no. I am so sorry - did you confront him?

Thank you deadmumwalking. I need some major hugs and strength right now.

Jana - yeah, I ended up texting him about the letter and all the crap he said to her while he was at Kids Kamp. Probably the wrong thing to do, but GOOD LORD I couldn't help myself!

It's been crazy the past couple weeks. Lots of begging and pleading from me and lots of excuses and "I can't talk about this right now." from him.

He keeps saying crap like, "You're making me feel like such a horrible person. I feel like dying right now. Seriously, if it wasn't for the kids, I would have already killed myself"

ARGH!!!!!!

(((Phoenix9)))

I am so sorry for what you're going through, but must say this. No decent man would treat anyone like this. He is being utterly disrespectful to you. Have you considered streeting him?

Good Lord Phoenix, I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself. I don't have any advice towards him, just concerned for you and your babe on the way.

Time to take the power back in your relationship. Read and implement a hard 180. Detach and see him for what he is showing you, a selfish cruel cheater.
Make him sleep downstairs. Get involved in making your life better with or without him. See a counselor and it wouldn't be a bad idea to see an attorney just in case. Tell him nothing.
When he walks in the room smile and then walk out. When he wants to talk tell him you aren't ready yet. When he wants to hug you, tell him that's very nice but you aren't ready. And smile when you do it. If he throws a hissy and sees he is going to leave tell him that's fine and then, change the locks and see the attorney. Call his bluff every single fucking time. Show him who the grown up is and your children will see that and be proud.

I know this is hard but I did it and it worked. Why? Because it gave me the strength and dignity to save myself and my ws KNEW it.
When they see you have turned the corner and taken the power away they freak but by then, depending upon his behavior, you might just turn that corner and never look back.
Good luck.

[This message edited by crazycatlady at 7:15 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

The next time that he says that he feels like killing himself, call 911 and report him. They will haul him out for a 72 hour evaluation. At that point, I'd move him out of the bedroom completely and toss his computer into the shower as well. Let him find another way to wank off. And I'm betting he won't be throwing the "killing myself" mantrum again.

Really. He's not worth your consideration at all right now.