Does taking him back mean I should just tattoo "SUCKER" on my forehead?
He's doing everything "right," transparent, MC, no contact, etc but I just feel like having him come back to the relationship like all is well and if we work hard enough we can get back to the way things used to be is somehow cheating myself. Like I deserve better than a liar and a cheater.
Anybody ever feel like this?
[This message edited by Cyzygy at 1:38 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]
A sucker is someone like me who let MC and other things go cause he didn't like it and he said he'd do the work on himself. Now I'm back again! So go ahead and R but see it through and you won't be a sucker, you'll be a heroine!
The wonderful people here told me that I didn't have to choose R or D right away. I could chose not-D and watch and see what happens. I am grateful my fWS did step up and do the work.
I guess what I'm saying is have your boundaries and deal breakers in place and be ready to follow through. Protect yourself.
Giving people a second chance takes a lot of strength and courage and I don't believe those are qualities of a "sucker"
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
We are in R.
but I just feel like having him come back to the relationship like all is well and if we work hard enough we can get back to the way things used to be is somehow cheating myself. Like I deserve better than a liar and a cheater.
That is because you do. IMO, true R is when you start building a new marriage one that is WAY better than the way things used to be. Settling for the old and trying to pretend it didn't happen makes you a sucker. True R requires a ton of work and change from both of you. You go in eyes wide open, heal yourselves, heal each other, and build something much stronger than you ever had before the A. This is the exact opposite of being a sucker.
FWIW, I think many BS feel this to some degree when they don't immediately get up and leave, but R doesn't take any less strength than D.
I may be a sucker for taking my W back, but I think that's going to be a lot more rewarding for me than dumping her - there's no win-win here. It's just lose more vs. lose less.
However, I believe it shows our strength. It shows how hard we are willing to fight for our marriage, even when we doubt it at times. It shows we are willing to work hard.
It isn't easy reconciling. It definitely does not define us as a sucker. Rather it's something to be admired.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
It makes you someone who can try all these things, who is not a rock, who understands that people fail to be perfect.
It doesn't mean you lie down and let him off the hook, per se. He has a lot of work to do, the heavy lifting. And if you find that infidelity was a deal-breaker, you can choose to separate and do it in a way that allows you to be healthy and find happiness in the future.
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.
Taking back an idiot who made a flustercluck of absurdly bad choices and is moving heaven and earth to right those wrongs for the sake of you and the kids? Soft hearted, more guts than brains, but not exactly a sucker.
The distinction may feel overly fine, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.
For, me, I think it's harder to take the road less travelled.
But, yes, I felt like a sucker for months! Now, I feel like I'm the prize he's fighting so hard for. A damn good prize, if you ask me!
After Dday you have choices, and all those choice bring consequences. So then you feel as if your sacrificing your dignity to make things work. Your kids, your home, your money, and everything that would change if you D.
As long as your getting what you need emotionally from your WS, to truly R, it can be worth all the suffering we go through.
I think there is an element of sucker-hood in all people who stay with someone who treated them poorly. And? The more I shake this stuff out in my narrative the more I realize this is about me making a choice based on what I want. Given the information in front of me I am making the best decision for me in the long run I think. Part of that is granting that my W simply got away with one. She, I think, is paying dearly for that. I take no pleasure in that anymore, but it doesn't balance the scales any. She has too many things about her that make me a sucker....
I had a friend the other day (he knows about the A, etc) who said he has more respect for people who have worked there way through hardship and painful situations. He was talking about my W, not me. I guess maybe I am not a sucker after all...