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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: Incredibly hard
phoenixrivers
♂ 38314
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have entered reconciliation. She has said all the right things and has taken actions to back up her words. She is trying to find a new job to remove her self from the toxic workplace. She has purged items I asked her to get rid of because of triggers. She has entered IC and gone to MC with me.

Despite this I feel very sad. I remind myself of the depth of betrayal and am beyond anger. I feel despair. I love her and want us to work. However, I think there's only so much comfort she's able to provide and so much work she can do at one time.

I don't want this pain. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't want the suffering of her actions.

phoenixrivers

[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 1:54 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
Done: 8/16/14
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
Flatlined123
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Content  Posted: 5:02 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Phoenix)))

I'm so sorry you're still hurting. I never wanted to hear this, but it takes time. It really does. I know the hurting sucks, but that too will ease as she's consistent with her words and actions.

If this is what you want, hang in there. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done. There comes a time when you have to make a conscious choice to say enough to the hurting. Whee you are in your journey, I was no where near ready to do that. It takes time.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 698 | Registered: Jun 2012
Knowing
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The turning point for me is when I went from not wanting this new reality, not wanting infidelity as part of my M, not wanting this to have happened, to accepting that it did happen and that there was no magic wand to take it all away. All the raging I might do will not change the past. Moving into acceptance brought such relief.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
phoenixrivers
♂ 38314
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Flatlined and knowing. I suspect I am not at the point where I am willing to let go of the anger and hurt. I so want infidelity to never have happened, to trust the sweet woman I thought I knew and to sweep it all away. I think you've hit the nail on the head knowing. All my rage and pain will never make it go away. I will work on acceptance.

Thanks again

phoenixrivers


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
Done: 8/16/14
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
FeelingSoMuch
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that I'm in a very similar situation.

You're not alone.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
phoenixrivers
♂ 38314
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you FeelingSoMuch, just knowing you're in the same boat helps. I don't think I need advice. I need to feel it as long as I need to and then let go.

Thanks for your empathy.

phoenixrivers


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
Done: 8/16/14
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
jjsr
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure when your dday was, but what you are feeling is perfectly normal. In about a week and a half, I am at the two year mark and I have just let go of most of the anger and sadness. There still is some but a lot less. Hang in there, if she is doing what you need for her do. In time it will get better


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1667 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
phoenixrivers
♂ 38314
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks jjsr. My first dday was 12/21/12. I only got a rough idea of what she did and a not too accurate one at that. I only found out last Saturday what had really been going on. Immediately after she told me, her boyfriend was in the lobby of her apt. complex staring at us.

One of my other angels said that was the REAL dday. So if I'm going by that reckoning, then DDAY is one week ago.

Thanks for your compassion in responding to my post jjsr. With your permission, I may show her your response. She seems to be under the impression that I should be over it.


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
Done: 8/16/14
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
callmecrazy
♀ 38765
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
phoenixrivers
♂ 38314
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks callmecrazy. You're not in it all by yourself either. I sent you a private message.

phoenixrivers


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
Done: 8/16/14
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're right in counting last Saturday as your D-Day.

I don't want this pain. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't want the suffering of her actions.

Absolutely. But you don't have a choice now - the grief, anger, and fear have been dumped on you, and nobody can deal with it except you.

But you CAN deal with it. You've got all the strength you need, even if it's hard to find sometimes. You can heal and thrive. Remember, though, you heal yourself. Your W heals herself. Together you heal your M. That means you can heal whether you R or not.

I'm really happy for you, BTW, that your W is getting back in touch with reality. R isn't easy, but it is rewarding.

Keep posting when you want support.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
phoenixrivers
♂ 38314
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big help sisson. Thanks not only for me, but for the people you consistently support on the forums.

I will try to keep in mind that the responsibility for my recovery is MINE. I will work in IC for that and in MC for us.

Thanks again,

phoenixrivers


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
Done: 8/16/14
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
Topic Posts: 12

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