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phoenixrivers posted 7/28/2013 01:53 AM

I have entered reconciliation. She has said all the right things and has taken actions to back up her words. She is trying to find a new job to remove her self from the toxic workplace. She has purged items I asked her to get rid of because of triggers. She has entered IC and gone to MC with me.

Despite this I feel very sad. I remind myself of the depth of betrayal and am beyond anger. I feel despair. I love her and want us to work. However, I think there's only so much comfort she's able to provide and so much work she can do at one time.

I don't want this pain. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't want the suffering of her actions.


[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 1:54 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

Flatlined123 posted 7/28/2013 05:02 AM


I'm so sorry you're still hurting. I never wanted to hear this, but it takes time. It really does. I know the hurting sucks, but that too will ease as she's consistent with her words and actions.

If this is what you want, hang in there. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done. There comes a time when you have to make a conscious choice to say enough to the hurting. Whee you are in your journey, I was no where near ready to do that. It takes time.

Knowing posted 7/28/2013 07:05 AM

The turning point for me is when I went from not wanting this new reality, not wanting infidelity as part of my M, not wanting this to have happened, to accepting that it did happen and that there was no magic wand to take it all away. All the raging I might do will not change the past. Moving into acceptance brought such relief.

phoenixrivers posted 7/28/2013 09:53 AM

Thank you Flatlined and knowing. I suspect I am not at the point where I am willing to let go of the anger and hurt. I so want infidelity to never have happened, to trust the sweet woman I thought I knew and to sweep it all away. I think you've hit the nail on the head knowing. All my rage and pain will never make it go away. I will work on acceptance.

Thanks again


FeelingSoMuch posted 7/28/2013 12:24 PM

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that I'm in a very similar situation.

You're not alone.

Stay strong.

phoenixrivers posted 7/28/2013 12:52 PM

Thank you FeelingSoMuch, just knowing you're in the same boat helps. I don't think I need advice. I need to feel it as long as I need to and then let go.

Thanks for your empathy.


jjsr posted 7/28/2013 19:07 PM

I am not sure when your dday was, but what you are feeling is perfectly normal. In about a week and a half, I am at the two year mark and I have just let go of most of the anger and sadness. There still is some but a lot less. Hang in there, if she is doing what you need for her do. In time it will get better

phoenixrivers posted 7/29/2013 08:46 AM

Thanks jjsr. My first dday was 12/21/12. I only got a rough idea of what she did and a not too accurate one at that. I only found out last Saturday what had really been going on. Immediately after she told me, her boyfriend was in the lobby of her apt. complex staring at us.

One of my other angels said that was the REAL dday. So if I'm going by that reckoning, then DDAY is one week ago.

Thanks for your compassion in responding to my post jjsr. With your permission, I may show her your response. She seems to be under the impression that I should be over it.

callmecrazy posted 7/29/2013 09:51 AM

You are not alone.

phoenixrivers posted 7/29/2013 10:03 AM

thanks callmecrazy. You're not in it all by yourself either. I sent you a private message.


sisoon posted 7/29/2013 10:15 AM

I think you're right in counting last Saturday as your D-Day.

I don't want this pain. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't want the suffering of her actions.

Absolutely. But you don't have a choice now - the grief, anger, and fear have been dumped on you, and nobody can deal with it except you.

But you CAN deal with it. You've got all the strength you need, even if it's hard to find sometimes. You can heal and thrive. Remember, though, you heal yourself. Your W heals herself. Together you heal your M. That means you can heal whether you R or not.

I'm really happy for you, BTW, that your W is getting back in touch with reality. R isn't easy, but it is rewarding.

Keep posting when you want support.

phoenixrivers posted 7/29/2013 10:26 AM

Big help sisson. Thanks not only for me, but for the people you consistently support on the forums.

I will try to keep in mind that the responsibility for my recovery is MINE. I will work in IC for that and in MC for us.

Thanks again,


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