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Is it a good idea to talk to the OP?

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LIGHTCHASER posted 7/28/2013 08:08 AM

Hi everyone,
Here is my stort story below:My WH had an affair with another woman and confessed and now claims to have finished the A but never said that he was sorry to have hurt me. He doesn't want a divorce because of kids but does nothing to win me back or restore our marriage.He says that he doesnot find me attractive any more yet expects me to continue with this so-called M.

Do you think that this marriage still can be saved? By the way , I have just learned who the other woman is. I have been contemplating confronting her but I don't know if it is a good idea or not. I know not much about the truth since my WH doesn't want to talk about the details and if I insists he just makes up more lies.

confused615 posted 7/28/2013 08:16 AM

Why would you want to be with him? He cheated.."claims" the affair is over..hasn't said he was sorry..and won't do anything to repair the damage he has caused. He told you he's with you because of the kids..it sounds to me like he is still in the affair and doesn't want to have to pay child support and other expenses that come with divorce. He is cake eating.

Don't confront the OW. She will lie. It will only hurt you more. Your WH is ultimately your problem..and considering he has no remorse..he's a big problem.

Have you read the 180?


R is HARD work. It is a long,painful process to repair the damage done after an affair. If the WS isn't 150% committed to healing himself,the BS,and the marriage it won't work.


Get your ducks in a row..find your bitch boots..and file for divorce. You deserve more than the crumbs he is offering you. Actually,he isn't even offering you crumbs. Staying in a marriage with this man will destroy you.

Im so sorry.

(((((LIGHTCHASER)))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:17 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 7/28/2013 08:17 AM

Most people on here say don't talk to OP.

The OW was my friend and I have yet to talk to her. I am cool, indifferent, when I see her in a store, restaurant,etc. She is not worthy of a conversation with me.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:18 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

LadyQ posted 7/28/2013 08:22 AM

I can't imagine it would be a good idea. She will undoubtedly lie, gaslight, rugsweep. All the things your WS is doing. You will most likely leave the conversation feeling tainted and worse than before. Save your energy and use it to work on you. You are way more important than her triflin' ass.

As to whether your marriage can be saved, unless his attitude improves, I have my doubt's.

Sorry you have to be here...

Knowing posted 7/28/2013 08:32 AM

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you're in the right place. Your WS (wandering spouse) sounds like he wants what most WS want in the aftermath of DDay (discovery day), they want things to go back to "normal", they want to be "forgiven" and they especially want us to forget. It doesn't work that way.

What do you want?

If you want the truth, then ask for it. Do you want details? Ask for an A (affair) timeline. Do you want a better marriage? Go into MC (marriage counselling) and get IC (individual counselling) for both of you.

Do you want to recover and heal from his betrayal? Both of you should read books about healing from infidelity. Do you wish you could tell him how you feel? Then tell him. Find a safe place and time and tell him. Tell him every day.

We're often afraid to scare them away, or push them away, but a true test of our WS' willingness to R (reconcile) is how willing they are to face the consequences of their A. A sad, hurt, angry spouse is a natural consequence of the selfish choices they've made.

If he is not willing to give you details or you want and an A timeline, in a reasonable amount of time, and/or you feel like he's still lying to you then you could contact his AP (affair partner). Before you do that get some feedback and advice from people here who have done that. It's not an easy thing on many levels.

Whatever you decide you want for your recover from his A and for your continued M get lots of support IRL and here.

LIGHTCHASER posted 7/28/2013 08:33 AM

I want to save my M because I don't want to deprive my children of their father. They love him so much and right now we live in a different country because of my H's job and if I get a divorce my children will only see their father a few times in a year if they are luck enough. I thought that my husband might still be in the fog and or still trying to end his A with the OW but can't and maybe later he will feel remorseful. Am I being too optimistic? And the reason why I want to talk to the OW is to learn the whole truth about the A if possible and gather some kind of evidence before I apply for a divorce. I talked to a lawyer and he said that we needed evidence for his infidelity. So I thought that maybe the OW will feed m with evidence to hurt me more and prove that my H loves her not me.

mchercheur posted 7/28/2013 08:34 AM

DO NOT CONTACT OP.

It is beneath your dignity.
Also, she obviously could care less about you & your kids, & she is a lier. Don't contaminate yourself.

As far as your WH's behavior, time to do the 180.
(((LIGHTCHASER)))

confused615 said it all

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:35 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

confused615 posted 7/28/2013 08:42 AM

I understand your reasons for wanting to save your marriage.

A marriage can be saved after an affair..but only if both spouses want it saved. And the WS HAS to be FULLY invested and committed. They should be doing all the heavy work to R inn the first few months. If they're not fully committed,it can't work.

You are not his Plan B.

The kids will suffer as they watch their mother being disrespected and hurt repeatedly. If daddy can't/won't respect mommy and stop abusing her..and the kids..with his affair..then they will grow up thinking this is normal...that this is marriage..your son will think this is how to treat his wife..your DD will seek out a man who will treat her the way she has watched her daddy treat her mom.

The fog. That is just a polite way of saying they have their head firmly up their ass. I know it feels as if they've been abducted and replaced with some kind of alien,but no. This is who he is. Can he change? Absolutely. But does he want to? is he willing?

To R after an affair,a WS must be fully transparent..they must give full access to all accounts and cell phone..and passwords. They must be willing to answer all questions without blame and anger. They must be willing to go to IC and MC. They must be an open book. Anything less,and you are setting yourself up for more pain.

wanttofeelwhole posted 7/28/2013 08:42 AM

I'm not sure why you, or your husband, would want to be in a marriage " just for the kids" where one partner was not attracted to the other. But I stay for the wrong reasons as well.
As far as the OW. I spoke with her and don't regret the conversation. Yes she lied and tried to minimize the whole A, but I still got what I needed, and through in a few digs as well. My FWH and I were attempting R and I needed to talk to her to complete my picture. If I were you though, I would be careful. Your husband has said hurtful things and you don't know what he's told her and I'm sure she will be more than willing to share every hurtful detail.

Knowing posted 7/28/2013 08:43 AM

He confessed? as in, you didn''t know, didn''t ask, and told you of his own volition?

You want to R, but... He''s untruthful and unremorseful?

When did you find out? If it''s been less than a month I would keep at it with the straightforward approach for another week, to show him you''re not backing down.

If that doesn''t work then it''s time to put some bitchboots on and do the 180.

[This message edited by Knowing at 8:45 AM, July 28th, 2013 (Sunday)]

confused615 posted 7/28/2013 08:52 AM

I've just read you past posts. This man is physically abusive. He cheated. he is cold. he is cruel. And he is setting *this* as an example to your son..this is how a man behaves..and he is telling your DD this is how a woman is treated.

This man is offering you nothing. I know..this was the first time he was abusive. There will be another time. And another.

You need to protect yourself..your heart and your body..from this man.

sri624 posted 7/28/2013 18:49 PM

i am so sorry you are here in this painful place in your life...i know how hard it is.

please, whatever you do...listen to your friends on SI..and do not contact the ow. she will lie...and no matter what she says...it wont make you "feel" any better. it wont. dont give her the opportunity to hurt you...and she will. and will relish doing it.

LIGHTCHASER posted 7/29/2013 10:17 AM

Thank you so much for all the responses you have given to my post. I am not going to talk to that slut. In fact, neither my WH nor the OW knows that I know who the other woman is and pretending not to know may be for my benefit for the future while collecting evidence before my divorce.

confused615 posted 7/29/2013 10:20 AM

Im glad..no good will come of it.

Im sorry if I sounded harsh in my earlier posts. Sometimes I tend to be a little TOO blunt.

((((LC)))))

sri624 posted 7/29/2013 10:24 AM

confused....just wanted to add...you are not too blunt....you are giving good, sound advice....in bitchboots. we need that.

confused615 posted 7/29/2013 10:26 AM

Thanks sri...

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