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sunsetslost posted 7/28/2013 08:14 AM

Last night I was approached by my WW, who had informed me the previous evening that she had no intention of breaking off her affair. I had told her then I have to move on and we hired a Realtor and started the plans to split up money, assets, etc.

I was on the phone with one of the many family members and friends who have been so generous with their time and concern. She told me she got a call from a FL area code and demanded to know which of my friends or family was harassing her. I kind of laughed it off, knowing that nobody I associate with would ever dream of doing such a thing. She agreed and calmed down. I think she was trying to bully me into the following conversation: She said it is her sister's birthday next weekend and that there was a dinner party planned and asked if I would go with her. Then she used our niece (5) as bait. She asked if I ever wanted to see her again. I told her I don't know. I have to think about it and do what is best for the niece. I have come to the realization that the next time I see her it will more than likely be the last. I don't want to put her through that just yet. My WW got angry with me and I tried to calmly explain that putting n a smiling face and being happy family man for her family was simply impossible. I told her that I couldn't risk opening up to a situation like that, that it wouldn't be fair to me. We had a pretty good day up to that point. We spent the whole day cleaning, mowing, weeding, scrubbing and getting the house ready to show ASAP. We chatted politely but since she informed me she has no intention of cutting off her affair and working on us I have moved on. It was a classic attempt at cake eating. She was attempting to use me for happy family time so she didn't have to explain where I was and why. (most of her family and friends are in the dark, as she is still in deep denial). Thanks to the advice and stories on this site I was able to see through her attempt and calmly explain to her that I simply couldn't be there.

Her actions continue to astound me. This is not the woman I married. The blatant manipulation, denial, depression. I actually had a good day moving forward. She was the one down in the dumps all day. Maybe reality is setting in for her. She set the process in motion. She mad the decision to see him. She made the decision to keep seeing him. I am moving on, and in a way I am happy to have a goal and a direction.

mchercheur posted 7/28/2013 08:28 AM


You are really doing well. It takes a lot of strength to do the 180------you should be proud of yourself.

And, you saw right thru her cake eating.
Its really something how they all (WSs) try the same things after Dday, isn't it. They don't want to give the AP up, but they want to keep you hanging around in the wings.

A few mos after Dday ( we were separated but WH stated he wanted to R),
when I caught WH & OW having lunch together in a restaurant, I finally had had enough----took my wedding ring off & gave it to him, & made an appt with the lawyer.
That is when he finally ended it with her.
Remember-----the 180 is the only way, whether you want to R or D.
No matter what happens, it will get better.
Keep doing like you're doing.
Sending you strength.

stronger08 posted 7/28/2013 08:33 AM

Her behavior is very typical for an unremorseful WS. They will try every trick in the book to get what they want. One minute being nice and loving as soon as they get a negative response they become rage filled maniacs. Its good you realize her tactics and balked at her suggestions. Most BS including myself would have jumped at the chance as we are/were that desperate. You are correct that she needs to face her self created reality. Don't ever be a part of her behaviors. From personal experience an unremorseful WS will suck the life out of you. Once there is nothing left they simply walk right over your body, out the door to see the OP. The best weapon a BS can use is the truth. Because we all know that the truth is Kryptonite to a WS. Hang in there brother.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 7/28/2013 09:23 AM

So she spent the day cleaning with you to get the house ready for viewings, more than happy to accept that this is the way she wants to proceed, to sell the house and keep seeing HIM, yet she wants YOU to accompany her to this family event? Crazy if you ask me.

I think you are doing amazingly well in this situation right now, you are showing self respect and strength and she does not like it one bit does she?

I am not sure what to make of her invitation. It does seem that she is trying to cling to the life that she has right now with you. Surely she realises that she is going to have to own up to what she has been doing to her family and friends sooner or later, especially considering that you are talking to selling the house?

Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing so well.

krazy8516 posted 7/28/2013 09:32 AM

Wow, I admire your strength! I have not yet confronted my husband, but I have a feeling his reaction will either boost or diminish my strength to leave this relationship. We have a daughter together, and I hope I can be strong for her, but I have never felt such pain like this in my entire life. I can only hope that doing the right thing will come as easily for me as it seems to be for you. You are brave and amazing and I'm proud of you.

jb3199 posted 7/28/2013 09:37 AM

It was a classic attempt at cake eating. She was attempting to use me for happy family time so she didn't have to explain where I was and why.


The further and further that you distance yourself emotionally from this situation, it will be even more painfully obvious just how manipulative and cruel your WW has been. She will continue to lie, and rewrite your marital history so that she can be portrayed as the victim.

Keep the path that you are on. Like stronger said, the truth is like Kryptonite to them. And even though that there are two sides to every story, there is only one truth. Don't change who you are to play her lying games.

You are going to be OK. There will be plenty of ups and downs, but I am willing to bet that your new future is bright.

sunsetslost posted 7/28/2013 13:57 PM

The 180 is working. She was clinging and I saw right through it. She said she wouldn't be staying at the house anymore. I didn't bat an eye lash. I know I'm doing the right thing. I've learned so much from this site. I had a good day yesterday. Down today. I'm going out with coworkers tonight. House goes on the market tomorrow. The selling price reflects my desperation to get out. I pray it goes quickly.

hard_yards posted 7/28/2013 14:40 PM

Sunset, you're doing really, really well under the terrible circumstances you find yourself.

Your WW has yet to feel the harsh light of reality, right now she's still in the mistaken mind-set that she's in control.

Even asking you to go to this family get together is crazy, it's all about her saving face, not dealing with the reality of the situation.

She has rejected you but still expects you to play nice and help her out, crazy making.

Stay the course Sunset, protect your self-respect, your self-esteem, because at your lowest point, that's what you've got, along with strength of character, honesty and morals.

You cannot be her protector and comforter any longer, she fired you from that job, but she has yet to realize the implications.

This has to be all about you now, your life, your future and your heart.

Your plans to part, sell and move away show your strength, that you won't tolerate this kind of treatment, and as she has no plans to give up the OM, the right thing to do for you.

As for contact with your WS, even though you are still in the same house (?) no chit chat, no comfort, treat this like a business wind-up, finances and dividing property only. If she's having a bad day, that's not your concern, in fact I would encourage you to fake it and act the opposite, like every day is a great day.

She may snap out of it, realize what she's giving up, but it's not likely, and in all honesty, unless she had been instantly completely remorseful, would you even want to try for R? It's very hard work, a lifetime of it.

Stay strong Sunset, we're all thinking of you and wishing you well.

hotcoffee posted 7/28/2013 14:42 PM

You are making the right moves. Do not make it easy for her to continue cheating.

myperfectlife posted 7/28/2013 15:03 PM

I can only wish I had been as strong and informed as you are.
I didn't find SI until 3 months in and wish I could go back and change my behavior.
You, however, are doing a fine job.
Keep your chin up.

Skan posted 7/28/2013 17:49 PM

Sunset, that was really rude of you! Don't you KNOW that we BS are supposed to cry, weep, and beg to be our Unicorn-Fart WSs backup plan? We're supposed to keep the house clean, prepare good healthy food, take care of the house and kids and pets, and pretend to be a Grade Z Porno Queen/King from the 60's whenever they deign to spend 2 minutes with us! How DARE you see right through the manipulation and insist on having self-respect and treating yourself as a person of worth! Dang, man!

The above was a truly lame attempt of sarcasm to hide the fact that you DONE WELL DUDE! SSL))

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