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Why was I ever worried about his absence?

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Phoenix1 posted 7/28/2013 14:05 PM

When POS and I separated in March, I had some momentary concerns about having to take care of everything regarding the house alone after all these years. In the past two weeks I have had our faulty furnace replaced (by a pro, of course), had to relight the pilot light on the hot water heater, had to recharge batteries on the riding lawn mower and ATV, had to replace a faulty bathroom vent, and much more. Then I stopped and wondered why I was ever concerned to begin with because it dawned on me that I always did everything around here by myself anyway!! POS always said he would take care of things and never follow thru so I ended up doing it all. There is tremendous comfort in independence and knowing I don't NEED him for anything.

Time to go mow the lawn!!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:09 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]

caregiver9000 posted 7/28/2013 14:27 PM


Awesome post!

Liberating and empowering. I remember letting go of that fear. It was a process because there were other changes to be made too. But every step of the way, when I would stop and reflect it was this realization.

I am happy dancing for you Phoenix1!!!

Rainbows posted 7/28/2013 15:42 PM

There is something so liberating about realizing you can handle things.

Congrats on the awareness. Thanks for sharing, you post was very uplifting.

dmari posted 7/28/2013 15:58 PM

Awwriiight!! Loving this post and I am loving the strong vibe!! It's contagious people!

heartbroken_kk posted 7/28/2013 16:00 PM

Yep. To not have to deal with that whole Passive/Aggressive say you will then blow it off shit is SO NICE!

I will say that somethings are easier to do with four hands than one, but I have been pretty amazed by the stuff I have been able to do with just me, some smarts, and a few helpful tools.

Like, I moved a king sized bed, with one of those giant ultra thick, super heavy mattresses. I used a tarp on the ground, then I put a couple tie down straps around it, tied loops in the straps for hand holds, cinched the straps down, and inched the thing this way and that until it was inside and all together.

I replumbed the hot water system (I'm a caretaker at a big place that has several hot water heaters) to eliminate one of the heaters and bring hot water from a different one. Planned it all out, measured, bought the parts, cut, glued, wrenched, etc. It works just fine! I'd never done any significant plumbing before but really once I got going it wasn't that difficult.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

BrokenDaisy posted 7/28/2013 16:21 PM

Thank you so much for sharing this! Just what I needed to hear tonight.

laney57 posted 7/29/2013 21:31 PM

Go Phoenix!

laney57 posted 7/29/2013 21:40 PM

Go Phoenix!

wontdefineme posted 7/29/2013 22:07 PM

So true about having to do most things because they just didn't.

Then we wonder why they wont do anything when it comes to divorce proceedings; like turn in the paperwork required. It's because we aren't there to do it for them.

Have you ever wondered if they were like this at work? I got my xh's employee review during the divorce and realized that it was exactly like that at work. Had other people doing his work for him.

Emotionalhell posted 7/29/2013 22:09 PM

Amen.. My XH never helped out.. Always said he would but didn't. The few times I ask him to help me get ready for a family dinner he complained the whole time.

Take2 posted 7/29/2013 22:13 PM

And there is sooo much on youtube ladies!!

I've change the door latch on the dish washer, a hot water heater, the diverter in the tub/shower, and my headlights and wiper blades...


Phoenix1 posted 7/29/2013 22:23 PM

Wontdefineme, yes he was like that at work too, but of course he justified it as him simply being a master delegator (read: dumper)!

Take2, gotta love YouTube! It also helps growing up with only older brothers! They wouldn't let me drive a car until I proved to them that I could change a tire, jump start a battery, and change the oil. The big meanies!!

POS is going to miss me whether he realizes it or not because who else is going to carry all the weight? His 90 year old mother????

mandan66 posted 7/29/2013 23:09 PM

This is my first post ever, so bear with me! But I have to chime in---reading everyone's comments has inspired me. Like you Phoenix1, I too had some concerns about handling everything; my WS basically left myself and our two boys for the OM. Same thing went through my mind ---and then I realized---hold on, you've been doing it all as a single parent for a few years now!(WS is a marathon runner, and P90X fiend)But over time, I've come to realize what a hammerblow it is to one's self-confidence by getting cheated on, esp. if you never saw it coming. It creates a state of shock really, so of course you are going to have plenty of self-doubt, until you ride it out awhile, and see that yes, you can still make it in this world nicely, if you can just believe in yourself! You don't need a her/him---you is plenty. My final D wraps up next week, and yes, I have a little apprehension, but really, I see it as my fresh start in my and my boy's lives. Thanks all! This is truly a new home for me!

Phoenix1 posted 7/29/2013 23:23 PM

Mandan66, I feel privileged to have you make your first post on my thread!!

Welcome to SI, but sorry you find yourself here. No one wants to be here, but it is a great support group!

Like you, thinking back I was really a single parent for a long time since POS worked out of the area. But with him now permanently gone, at least I know that I need to just "do it." No "talking about it," no "can you take care of it" requests (only to have to do it anyway on a delayed schedule), no getting bitched at for not waiting for him to do it or discuss with him first. If something needs to be done, I simply get it done! WooHoo!

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