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Newest Member: NEfEm (46010)

User Topic: I need to stop trying, don't I?
sparklezombie
♀ 40095
Member # 40095
Helpless  Posted: 2:25 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I have been married for 11 years. One month into the marriage, I found out he was looking at massive amounts of porn. Two years in, he signed up for match.com because "he wanted the attention and someone to tell him he was attractive."

4 years in, he was on adult friend finder, visiting strip clubs during work travel, trying to have an affair with a stripper and probably (though never admitted to) having sex with strangers while on travel. He was also refusing sex with me, saying he was tired.

After I found out about the stripper, adult friend finder, etc. I buried my head in the sand. It's embarassing to admit it. I did get tested for STD's, but I didn't really address our issues nor did I leave.

in 2010, we told me he was going on overnight business trip, but went to sleep with someone he met online. she realized he was married, and emailed me an apology. I found condoms in his work bag and when confronted, he told me he wanted a divorce. Said I didn't love him, asked me to prove that I loved him, said no one would ever love me because I was too controlling, etc. He wanted me to move out and I refused. Three months later, he finally moved out. Then he got lonely, started MC by himself and asked to get back together. We went to MC together, but not IC. Finally wound up moving back in together. I thought things would be different, but looking back, I'm not sure why because he hadn't really changed.

In 2011, he started dating. Didn't bother to say anything to me. Just would say he was going to the store, then come home 4 hours later. Had a profile on match.com again. Profile said he was separated. That same month I also found out I was pregnant (complete surprise). I also moved out that same month and told him I wasn't taking any more of his crap.

Well, we went back to MC and he wore me down and I moved back in before the baby was born. Daughter is now 1 year old and I found out that he was visiting Ashley Madison (site for married folks to have affairs). He said he hadn't slept with anyone and he posted as a woman to see if any of my friends were on there so I could see that their marriages weren't perfect (which is crazy). But I recently saw a $99 charge and that site doesn't charge women. Further, when I confronted him about AM site, he basically said that it would be justified because we don't have sex enough. When I was angry and cold towards him, he then tried to hug me and said he wanted to work on us. I told him I didn't know what I wanted to do.

So I've been in IC for a few months now and my counselor says he won't change without a catalyst and some serious IC (which he has never followed through with). so she suggested that I leave and separate from him.

I think it's a good idea and yet still I find it hard to do. He's on work travel now for 3 weeks, coming home this week. the hard thing is that he says he wants to work it out and I have this stupid guilt like I should stay because he says he wants to make it work. But he hasn't really changed in all these years and we still wind up back in the same place. I was raised to believe that divorce is the absolute last resort and that as a christian, it's only allowed under certain circumstances.

but I really don't know what more I can do because he won't do anything to change. He says he will, but he doesn't. He says he'll go to IC, but he doesn't. He believes the lack of sex is my issue and that it justifies him stepping outside our marriage.

I just wanted to get this out among folks who've gone through it and who can probably tell me that I definitely need to just stop trying. I'm ready to have a life that has less pain and a life that is healthier for my daughter.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sparklezombie)))

Welcome to SI. Your weariness with his behavior comes through loud and clear to me.

I think you can let go of the guilt that you owe him something because he "says" he wants to work it out. He owes you the ACTIONS that prove he wants to work it out. His actions say very plainly that he wants to be on these hook up websites and blame you for his behavior. NOT ACCEPTABLE.

This is not your fault. You owe yourself and your daughter a peaceful stable family with someone who is all in. Imagine your daughter is grown and in this relationship. What advice would you want her to take? Then show her that example.

It sounds like your IC is helping you to focus on you and taking care of you.

Read up on the 180 and remember that it is for you to be strong and heal, not intended to be the catalyst for his change.

(((more hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5935 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Random thoughts
♀ 2959
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have a saying on sights like these "Actions not Words " because when someone shows you who they are believe them.

Your husband until he gets the help he needs will continue to cheat, he is a black hole of needs that you will not be able to fulfill.

180 and stick to it unless you want to stick around until he finds someone new who will put up with his not being able to be faithful.

180 and move on.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1620 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
hard_yards
♀ 23549
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh sweetie....

In a word, yes.

He's been cheating on you your entire marriage, please don't let yourself be subjected to this any longer, it ends when you say it does.

No, he's not going to change, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He can use the guilt card, he can blame you, but at the end of the day, how much effort has he put into you and your marriage? I would suggest it is minimal to keep you hanging on, words but no actions.

I'm not religious at all, but I wouldn't think there would be any religion that would want you to keep living like this any longer.

Honey, have you got support in real life? Can you have someone with you when he gets back? If it was me, I'd have his stuff packed and ready for him, tell him that you can't be disrespected like this any longer and he needs to leave. If he wants to pursue other women, he's free to, but not as your husband, and not while he's living under the same roof as his wife.... (how insulting he is).

As for your daughter, there will be tension always in your home, while this goes on, and it will affect how you parent, how could it not. Why should his destructive actions affect your little girl and your relationship with her, you can only pretend "happy" for so long.

Please understand I only have your best interests at heart, but you posed a question, and that's how I see it. At the end though, it's up to you to decide how to proceed, and we will support you either way, hugs honey.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Apr 2009
monarchwings
♀ 39891
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for all you've been through. Simply put: yes its time to let go. It wont be easy but you can do this....and its okay to say you are ready to quit.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
ifinallyfoundme
♀ 39523
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry to read this. Please take care of yourself.

You've been married now for 11 years and around here that means half. You also have a child which means child support. Look at his actions. I'm not saying divorce him nor stay, but he needs to understand that you know exactly what you are entitled to as his legal wife. Be very firm and don't waver. Put your Bitch Boots on and show him you will be just fine with or without him.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
ifinallyfoundme
♀ 39523
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was raised to believe that divorce is the absolute last resort and that as a christian, it's only allowed under certain circumstances.

but I really don't know what more I can do because he won't do anything to change. He says he will, but he doesn't. He says he'll go to IC, but he doesn't. He believes the lack of sex is my issue and that it justifies him stepping outside our marriage.


I just wanted to get this out among folks who've gone through it and who can probably tell me that I definitely need to just stop trying. I'm ready to have a life that has less pain and a life that is healthier for my daughter.

I'm a Christian too. There are many scriptures were Christ speaks directly to this issue. We are to forgive and it's up to you if you decide to continue, but is your husband repentant? Does he have an accountability group/person? Is he open and honest in all his activities? If he isn't truly repentant sometimes people will use your faith against you. Christ never intended us to be doormats. Is he a believer?
Wives are to be submissive to their husbands as their husbands submits to Christ. Cheating and lame excuses is not of Christ. If he ain't following Christ where is he leading you? There are so many answers, keep holding on to your faith and remember this negative garbage is solely your husband's, not GOD's design for your marriage.

Don't listen to his blame shifting/nosex/dustbunnies/cooking bull. His adulteries, his problems, and ultimately he will pay for his sins, always 'cause ain't nobody getting away with anything.Don't believe his lies. Take care of you and your baby.

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 3:56 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
sparklezombie
♀ 40095
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why it's so hard, except that I have some codependency issues. I get sadwhen I think about moving out and him walking into the nursery and it being cleared out. I know that's not my problem, but stuff like that makes me feel awful.

I also feel almost like I don't really have a good reason. It sounds so stupid to type that, but I feel like I don't have any solid proof that he's cheating right now, combined with him saying he wants to work on things, so therefore I don't have a valid reason to go. I'm talking myself through this and slowly coming around to by more firm in my decision to leave. I don't know why this is so hard. on paper, it looks so easy.

Thanks for telling me it's okay to quit. I don't know why I need to hear that, but I do and it helps tremendously.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
trebleclef
♀ 33488
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first thing my pastor said to me when I disclosed my WH's affairs was, " it will be up to you and whether you can work this out, but you need to know this IS biblical grounds for divorce."

((((((Hugs)))))


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please re-read your posts as if it wasn't you - what would you tell that poster?

He has disrespected your marriage from the beginning. The stripper was cheating, he slept w someone which was cheating, he started dating which was cheating, he joined Ashley Madison, the SUPREME cheating site, which only offers cheating as a result. FTG...you deserve far better and so do your children.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4712 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off let me say welcome to SI.
Secondly, I agree with the.post above..read your post as if it weren't you. Sometimes even saying it.out loud where you can hear what your saying helps you to really get it. I live with a man that has been shady for the last 8yrs He's good at covering tracks and for half those yrs, I couldnt find enough to really call him on. Each time I found another.little shred of something, I would tell myself that it really wasn't enough to D. Bottom line is, he's disrespecting you and your marriage, evidence or not but really, you have found some pretty substantial things to point towards infidelity. He's blaming you for.lack of sex. When a bs finds their ws is visitingAM and match.com, such as I have also found, it doesn't really give you the warm and fuzzys towards them. It is not you who should be blamed He is the one that isn't invested in the M. Since your asking about no longer trying..totally up to you. Do I feel you've done your best and he's not , sounds like it to me. Time flies and you will never get the yrs back. I've wasted several and regret it everyday.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:43 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5274 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 11

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