SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Does this make me selfish?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

nolight posted 7/28/2013 15:37 PM

I've really become used to living on my own now and love it. My home is full of things that I chose and has become my sanctuary.

I have a friend who is going through tough times, emotionally and financially who really wants to move in with me I'm considering it as I believe that if someone is in trouble you should help them but truthfully I don't want her to.

I really crave my own space and my apartment isn't really that big so we would be on top of each other. I'm also concerned that my hesitation may turn to resentment and damage our friendship. Plus now I'm in my 30s I feel that having a flatmate would be taking a step balck. So you can see I know what I don't want to happen but am still considering it out of guilt. Advice?

hurtbs posted 7/28/2013 15:44 PM

Do you have an obligation? No.

I will say that she is your friend and, having gone through a hard tim yourself, wouldn't you want a friend to help you? I'm not saying indefinitely, you could say give her 30 days or give her some money.... At the end of the day, the decision is yours.

egirl posted 7/28/2013 16:22 PM

What did she do to contribute to her situation?
Will you be financially supporting her if she is there at your flat? or does she have some means?
Is there another arrangement available to her, even though it may not be as great as what she views living with you would be?
How good of friends are you? How long have you been friends for?
These are questions I'd ask myself if I were in your position before I made up my mind, if I were on the fence about it.
I've opened my door to people and have had to ask them to leave when it was time for them to go and they didn't want to go. That is the worst! but can happen.

Amazonia posted 7/28/2013 19:00 PM

I have had people stay with me short term - I just had a friend whose closing on her new closing got pushed back two weeks come and stay for that long. I had a second cousin who stayed with me for 3 months during an internship.

My place, like yours, is small. It's a one bedroom. My cousin and I shared my queen bed (good thing I wasn't dating yet then ); my friend who stayed earlier this month set up an air mattress that took up half the living room.

I understand wanting to help people. I also understand home being a sanctuary. I have another friend who heard that L stayed with me for those two weeks, and has been hinting that she'd like to crash here if she has a gap between apartments (her lease is up Aug 15 and she hasn't found a new place yet). I adore her, but I'm not going to invite her to stay. With L and my cousin both, I knew that their personalities and mine meshed, that they would understand if I ignored them and just watched tv or something, that I wouldn't need to entertain them, that they'd clean up after themselves. And they knew me well enough to understand that yes, staying with me was an imposition, but one I'd willingly accepted for a short, predetermined amount of time. This friend wouldn't get that, and would want constant validation and entertainment. I couldn't do it, and I know that, so she's not going to be staying with me - even if she directly asks.

You need to know your boundaries. Would it make you an awesome friend if you gave her a place to crash for a few weeks? Yep, but that isn't the same as being a doormat while she moves in for a year and drives you crazy or is constantly late with rent, etc.

better4me posted 7/28/2013 21:01 PM

Does this make me selfish?
No, not selfish in the least. Explain that you don't want to damage your friendship and that you are afraid that would happen. If you decide you must, make it for a short time period, charge rent, discuss who buys what, etc. I've got a friend who has rented out her basement to another friend who had fallen on hard times. Two years later he is still there and she complains often about how little he does to help her out. It can be a mess!

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.