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Newest Member: Alldone2 (45714)

User Topic: Help with Problem
ohforthree
♂ 39851
Member # 39851
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I have been separated for two weeks since she asked for divorce on july 15th. Citing "I love you but I am not in love with you". She is staying with her sister.

I have been working the 180 plan to the max, very little contact via text and nothing in person. All texts have been friendly and upbeat (following the 180)

She text me a few moments ago and wants me to bring our dogs to her sister's house so she can spend time with them on her days off (she is a EMT and works shifts). She offered to come pick them up when I go to work tomorrow so I would not be home. I went ahead and told her I would bring the dogs to her for a couple of days and offered to eat dinner with her so we can discuss our household budget.

I know that a "date" is a violation of the 180 principle, and I know for a fact that she is still "in the fog". If we do wind up having dinner, what are some suggestions???????????????

HELP !!!. I am nervous, scared, and sad all at the same time right now.

My immediately thought is to have the dinner with her, but NO discussion of our marriage, or the separation, or anything while she is still in this divorce "fog". Right now I plan to keep it light, ask her about her workweek, tell her about mine and get through the meeting.

Any suggestions ???


Me- 49
W- 40
No Children (lost 2 miscarriage)

WA- June 2011
Separated Aug 2011
Counseling- Oct 2011
Reconciled- Dec 2011
Cont'd Counseling Jan-Jun 2012
Separated- Jul 2013


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Oklahoma
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any advice as I am all new to this.
Just wanted to let you know I understand your anxiety!
So hard being where we are...no one should ever have to deal with this stuff.
(((hugs)))


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ 34602
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My suggestions....don't eat dinner with her. Can the house stuff be done through email? You are so new to this and it's so easy to be sucked back in at first. If she emails you anything that gets your emotions rolling, it's much easier to control yourself if you aren't looking at her face. Also, why can't she get the dogs? Not your problem to figure out when, where, and how. She moved out. Her problem.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 34 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1731 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope you're not planning to ever get the dogs back.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10007 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ifinallyfoundme
♀ 39523
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


duplicate sorry

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 4:55 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
ifinallyfoundme
♀ 39523
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anything while she is still in this divorce "fog"

Is she seeing anyone? You have to know sis is cheering her on to divorce court. That's tough, right now the only connection you have are the dogs.

Why did you stop MC? Are your problems related to your unborn babies?


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
ohforthree
♂ 39851
Member # 39851
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes the problems stem from her unhappiness after 2 miscarriages. Anti-Depression med, then more meds, then she totally changed toward me.

No affair that I can confirm, the normal affair signs were not there.

Just walked in one day and said "I am tired of being unhappy and I want a divorce, I am not in love with you anymore" and moved to her sisters house 2 miles away.

We had no contact at all, of any kind, for two weeks. Then last week she kept wanting to see our dogs. Tonight I took them to her (she works odd hours and is off Mon and Tue) to wit she agreed to bring them back on Wednesday (we'll see)

Meeting for dinner tonight was the first face to face since she left. I went OUT OF MY WAY to make sure we did not talk about "us" and instead kept our conversations about work and friendly things. I don't want to push her away.

Ended it well, walked her out. I think we both choked up when we hugged, but I maintained myself and so did she.

I know this violates the 180 principles, but at least I kept it friendly and without self-pity. Just tried to keep it as normal and consistent as possible.

ohforthree


Me- 49
W- 40
No Children (lost 2 miscarriage)

WA- June 2011
Separated Aug 2011
Counseling- Oct 2011
Reconciled- Dec 2011
Cont'd Counseling Jan-Jun 2012
Separated- Jul 2013


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 7

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