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Newest Member: Newgem (61508)

User Topic: he cried. ..I feel like crap
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight I was telling him how the fact that we have a neighbor who likes to sunbath and work thired shift why my wh is home made me uncomfortable. I woke up crying this morning. I guess me telling him how I didn't trust him and felt like he is always looking for the next women hurt his feelings. He started crying. Ive only once saw him cry. He was balling. He said alk my little digs were getting to him and hurting his feelings and he know what he did was wrong and wishes he never did it. He said he knows he deserves it but he just cried. He told me loved me more than anything and he is trying.

Well I feel like crap. I wanted him to be sorry and cry and show remorse but I feel bad he was crying and even after it all I dont want him to hurt.

Maybe im being to rough.

Advise from either side appreciated. What do I do now?

OW - (former co worker of WH)
Dday: Dec 2012

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes my BH will say something to me that will cut me to the core. Just hard truth. Awhile ago he told me that the trust is still not 100%. And that hurts, but it's justified and I have to own it. And we had a conversation about it and communicated our feelings.

It's okay that he cried. You told him about something legitimate that makes you uncomfortable and if it made him sad, that's okay. He should be sad, it's not happy stuff.

I don't think you were too rough. I think when in R, compassion on both sides is important, and sharing your feelings is especially important. It's natural not to want to see him hurt but pain is often where the lessons come in for a WS.

"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55123 | Registered: Sep 2007
♂ 31868
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you were too rough, It kinda sounds like his preference would be rugsweeping. If you don't feel he is giving you true remorse, transperency, and honesty, those tears may have been theater. I hope that is not the case.

When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think maybe I am taking too many digs at him...

He said that he knows he deserves it.

I wonder if this crying is a sign of remorse?

OW - (former co worker of WH)
Dday: Dec 2012

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really? I think he was using his tears to manipulate you into stop talking about what he did..or might do. He has not been remorseful..not really..he says he lasts a few days..then you trigger or try to talk about it and he gets mad,throws a fit,etc,etc.

I think this is just a new tactic. He has told you to get over it. He has insisted this be rugswept..and all the while still sees the OW at work...which is causing your healing to slow..throw in his attitude and of course you are sad,angry,and you don't trust him.

How many times have you cried since dday?

Also..notice his tears were all about're hurting his feeling by not being over his affair..and taking little digs at him. Hmm. I wonder if those little digs are the result of having kept quiet for too long and having to hold your feelings in? WS's like to rugsweep..but that will cause anger and pain to spill out of a BS in an unhealthy little digs. You feel like you're going to explode..but you can't talk to him about it comes out in other ways.

he is trying? What is he doing? Is he supportive? Understanding? Does he help you through your triggers? Doe he own his shit? Has he answered all of your questions? Is he honest at all times? Is he even trying to find another job since working anywhere near OW is a craptastic plan? HOW is he trying?

No..tears are NOT a sign of remorse. Tears can be very selfish. And manipulative. Actions..over time..consistent actions..that is proof of true remorse.

I think he threw a pity party for himself. Don't fall for it.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:19 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well he has answered all my questions.

He tries to be supportive SOMETIMES for my triggers...

he is always honest

compeltely transparent

does looks for jobs, and have interviewed elsewhere.

takes all free moment breaks and lunch with me

got moved groups to avoid OW and not see her

But I can see your point about the pity party and crying might have been for him.

I need to think

OW - (former co worker of WH)
Dday: Dec 2012

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, a 'dig' isn't straight, and it doesn't release a lot of anger. If you're angry, why not just say something like, 'I'm really angry that you did ____'?

Why shouldn't he cry when you honestly express anger over what he did?

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16804 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really have any advice, except to say I understand. I will occasionally say things that makes my WS cry, and I feel like crap about it afterward. I haven't figured out a way to handle it yet, so I'm curious to see the other responses.

Posts: 1758 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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