With entitlement. With minimizing. With giving a crap.
Mr918 is seriously gutted over my EA. I'm finding myself in a position where I constantly want to say, "are you freaking kidding me???"
I mean truly, if you lay out the shit he did and the shit I did...well, what I want to say is that his crap was waaaaay worse.
But the reality is, it's all shit.
My IC has been working to help me understand how for men, it's more painful to them when someone captures their woman's heart than it is if they have sex with someone else. I'm having to accept this at face value because I do not understand it. He played with my life over and over, exposed me to disease, made a mockery of our relationship.
I formed a friendship. Not one where we bitched about our spouses. Not one where we fantasized about running away together. We didn't send pictures. There was no phone sex. And I get it...lines were crossed. But sheesh...a little perspective??
I want to be allowed to say "consequences! This is what happened because of the shit you did in our marriage."
And then I was reading this quote the other day that was all empowering about how "their cheating had nothing to do with you" and it was all about "their bad choices" and I was like yeah! That's right!! Nothing to do with me. Take that!
That's when I ran into the wall about 100 miles an hour.
Because if that's true of his affairs, then the opposite is true as well.
My choices had nothing to do with him. It wasn't cause and effect. It's not consequences. It was my choice alone.
It freaking SUCKS that while my actions may have been different, it's still the same.
He moves into his new apartment in a couple weeks and we have to explain to our daughter what's going on. Always before when we were trying a separation it was "daddy made some bad choices and he has to take a time out."
And now I can't say that anymore. Now it's a mommy and daddy issue. I am so struggling with the reality of all of this. I feel so lost and guilty and relieved all at the same time. I just wish I would have gotten out of my marriage before I ever stuck my toe over the line. I hate that I still have so much personal work to do. I hate admitting I have way more wayward thinking in me than I ever thought was possible.