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Holly-Isis posted 7/28/2013 18:31 PM

After some discussion and me pointing out the schedule of the week, MrH decided to go pick his father up on Monday instead of Saturday. FIL also has to be back by next Saturday for some Festival. Poppy Seed of Cow Pie or something.

So instead yesterday to next Sunday (which MrH was claiming wasn't a full week) it's Monday to Friday. I can live with that. We have events planned still and I figure ill just keep going on with my planned life, FIL can join in or not.

My IC and I worked through coping strategies, but overall even though I don't think FIL has changed from the emotionally abusive person he has been, I also know he won't say anything around the kids. MrH will talk back to him so I'm the only one that is likely to get comments. So I'll stick around the kids because if he says anything, my 13yo DS will be a witness to MrH and my 8yo DD will probably rip his head off for being mean to mommy. Like my IC and I discussed though, I could always tell him he doesn't have permission to talk to me like that, judge me or generally disrespect me. Now it's just for me to go against the grain and do that if anything is said.

authenticnow posted 7/28/2013 18:43 PM

(((Holly-Isis)))

Enforcing personal boundaries is a skill I continue to work on with my parents. It's not easy and it takes practice but it sounds like you are armed and ready!

That sounds like a stressful week but I'm glad you and MrH worked out a strategy that makes it more manageable.

Good luck.

Holly-Isis posted 7/29/2013 13:01 PM

Thanks AN. I'm already falling down the rabbit hole. I keep calculating how many hours until they're here (MrH and DS are driving down to pick him up). I keep seeing things I need to do for the house...I'm a rotten housekeeper.

I'm freaking out.

Then I tell myself this is obviously signs of emotional abuse. I'm validated just by my triggers actions, right?

Doesn't stop me from trying to clean everything. I'm overwhelmed. This is a too-big-for-us house and I get very little help with basic upkeep. I keep seeing things like baseboards that needs to be washed and a pantry that needs to be reorganized...it's never ending. I have to make myself stop at some point to go to my Hope & Healing wives group tonight. I'm going to NEED that to face the rest of the week.

I'm so anxious and stressed.

authenticnow posted 7/29/2013 14:02 PM

Then I tell myself this is obviously signs of emotional abuse. I'm validated just by my triggers actions, right?
Yes.

Take a breath. You can get through this. I'm glad you're going to your group tonight.

Also, think about the worst that can happen? So you house will be a little dirty, you're not a perfect housekeeper. Who cares?

If it gets too rough just remember,

Like my IC and I discussed though, I could always tell him he doesn't have permission to talk to me like that, judge me or generally disrespect me. Now it's just for me to go against the grain and do that if anything is said.
It's your home and you do not have to tolerate abuse, especially in your own home.

Sending you positive thoughts.

cayc posted 7/29/2013 14:03 PM

I've no real advice for you, but I'll keep sending out good wishes and prayers for you this week.

(((holyisis)))

LosferWords posted 7/29/2013 14:11 PM

(((Holly-Isis)))

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My FIL has been verbally and physically abusive to many members of his family. Our interactions with him have caused a lot of stress, anxiety, and turmoil in our household.

I think it's a good idea not to leave him alone with the kids. Your 8 yo DD sounds like a sweetheart, and very protective of mom.

I think AN nailed in on the head with sticking to personal boundaries.

Hang in there... I'll be thinking of you.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/29/2013 16:49 PM

(((Holly-Isis)))

Holly-Isis posted 7/30/2013 05:38 AM

Thanks everyone. I made myself stop cleaning. I went to meet with the ladies. We're doing a boundaries study, last night was the first night.

I ended up crying as we discussed some of the questions because of dealing with MrH as I get healthier and see more issues. By the time I got home, FIL was low on the radar. We'll see how the next few days go.

itainteasy posted 7/30/2013 06:41 AM

(((((((Holly-Isis)))))))

I hope this week goes by quickly for you.

I'm sending you good thoughts/prayers/mojo to get through it.

Holly-Isis posted 7/31/2013 13:59 PM

Another update:

I'm literally laughing to myself through this visit. I'm listening to MrH try to talk to his dad every time we're in the car, trying to engage him while FIL doesn't respond.

I know how it feels MrH, you do this to me.

I'm listening to his dad lecture on any topic, like he knows it all.

Yup, look in the mirror MrH.

MrH got upset because his dad decided he was wrong then ended the conversation, even when MrH tried the cues our MC gave him to use when we talked.

Yes, you control conversations too. You push until your point is made and end it when I refuse to agree with you
.

Like father, like son. And MrH is on edge from this...I will be bringing this up in MC.

Amazonia posted 7/31/2013 17:15 PM

Silver linings, eh?

nowiknow23 posted 7/31/2013 17:19 PM

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, eh?

Sending you continuing strength, Holly. ((((hugs))))

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