I quietly got up, got my stuff, put it in our car, and walked home. He's home now, but we've said nothing to each other. I know that he doesn't get how hurtful it was to me. The whole time, I just wanted to scream, "Rising star or not, she's a ________ (insert your favorite slur for your WS's mistress)!"
Why would he do that? Is he really that clueless? Did he do it intentionally? Does he still love her? Will he ever be over her? Am I over-reacting? Is it wrong to ask him to never bring that story up around me again? Or anything alluding to his time with her?
Please help! I'm shaking because I know there will be a confrontation, and I'm not emotionally ready/prepared for it.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 9:25 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]
M: 22 yrs
TT: Nov 12-Jan 13
it is so very insensitive for him to do that!!!
I would have been livid. That is more that just insensitive.
Wow, just...wow. are you sure you're in true R?
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Thanks! I wondered if I was being a hysterical female.
No, it was a jerk move. He sounds more than a little narcissistic. Sorry this happened to you.
VD is not Victory!
His story did not have to include her. Was he on the witness stand in court? No, he was at a CHURCH related event, choosing the story HIMSELF. He knew you would not say anything. He knew he could go on and on and on.
And your asked him in mc never to bring her up?
I think your reaction was classy and controlled. There's nothing wrong with YOUR ability to judge the rightness of a situation.
Truthfully and unfortunately, he IS a narcissist. Problem is, I made my peace with that a long time ago. I can handle that my WS has character flaws; I can't handle being reminded of the grossest mistake he's ever made.
What was is justification for doing something so horrifically damaging to your recovery?
Please follow the Reconciliation Forum guidelines. There is no OP namecalling in this forum.
Im so sorry.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I remember our first and only MC session (a mont after D-Day) where WW introduced AP2 as smart, intelligent, blah blah.. and I was so stunned and looking at her. I was so pissed that I did not talk to her as you are doing. She did not understand it and we ended up not talking about it. A few days later when I told her that she described AP2 in such a way, she did not even remember saying that. Classic WS fog.
You WH needs to do a lot more for you to R. In fact a lot more so that you dont kick his ass out of the door.
Don't know where we are headed..
He didn't justify it. I explained why it hurt me and told him it made me want to tell everyone what I call her instead of "rising star." He said it made sense and he wouldn't do it again.
He does NOT get the magnitude of his actions because he's not truly remorseful. He's sorry that he hurt me, but he's not sorry that he had the affair. He said, last night, that that was a good time for him. ?????
So, no, he's not completely intent on reconciliation, I don't think. It's very complicated. He says he loves me, and, in his way, he probably does. But . . .
oh wait. he already does that.
I am so sorry you experienced this. This man deserves to have the soles of his feet burned off for stepping into a church and saying such things.
[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 9:53 AM, July 29th (Monday)]
If you have the capacity to handle the fallout, expose him at your church.
He wasn't actually in the church; he was in the house of friends from church. Not a huge distinction, but a church IS more sacred.
During the affair, he came out to me as an "atheist," and only attends church with me for our children's sake. So exposing him there wouldn't change him and would only hurt them. I don't want our sons to grow up knowing their father is an SA who cheated on me with another woman, a prostitute and two hookers. What a burden for them!
He said, last night, that that was a good time for him.
Gently, it takes 2 to R, and you can't R with an unremorseful WS.
Is he in IC? Seriously, if my W had said either of those things to me, I'd have kicked her out. ow is a serial cheater, but he thinks she's hot stuff and his A was a good time? He'd be a lousy partner to a snake.
Are you in IC? (If not, why not?) What's holding you in this M? You deserve much better treatment from your H, but you probably won't get it unless you change.
I encourage you to read the Healing Library, especially FAQ 11, about 'the 180', which is a set of behaviors that help you live with a WS who isn't remorseful.
Have you outed ow to her H? If not, it's a good idea.
Has your H been tested for STDs? If not, stop having sex with him until he gets tested and you get the results. (We thought there was no risk, but my W now tests positive for HPV, and she probably got it from ow. She was never tested for HPV before the A, so we don't know for sure when she picked it up, but we'd been monogamous for over 40 years before that.)