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WH caught me checking up on him

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mchercheur posted 7/28/2013 21:41 PM

And he is very very upset & angry at me. He said he hasn't seen OW in months, & he can't believe that I am still suspicious.
I tried to explain that I still don't feel safe, & so I check sporadically -----I guess it is a way of trying to feel more in control of this crazy situation.

The truth is, I will never feel safe ( like I did before his A) again. And the fact that OW still works in the same building as WH is very very difficult for me to deal with.
I know that if she was completely out of the picture ( like if she lived on the other side of the world, or something like that) it would be so much easier for me to move on .
But, every day, I wonder if they will see each other at work, & it is very possible that I could run into her at a restaurant or store around here at any time----she only lives a town away from us.
Not a day passes that I don't think about her.
I feel like a neurotic mess right now. WH made me feel like I am sick.

sunshine226 posted 7/28/2013 21:58 PM


He will just have to deal with it, he is the one that brought this on, not you.

He broke the trust you had for him and triggers will happen when you least expect it and there is nothing wrong with you checking up on him. He made this happen.

mchercheur posted 7/28/2013 22:03 PM

Thanks Sunshine,
Some people on this site seem to have been able to move on to a better place faster than I am.
I feel like there is something wrong with me that I still feel so hurt,angry,suspicious a lot of the time.

StepAside posted 7/28/2013 22:13 PM

There is nothing NOTHING wrong with you for feeling hurt, angry and suspicious. You will need to check up on him, this is a fact, this is part of the 'deal' if you will. You will need to catch him being 'good' many many times for months or even years, these are small building blocks to a level of trust. Do not measure yourself against any others here...we all have our own pace.

peace to you mchercheur

kansas1968 posted 7/28/2013 22:46 PM

He will have to deal with the consequenses of his actions, or move on. He should have told you how sorry that he was that you still feel threatened.
People that cheat NEVER understand the consequenses that they will have to live with to save their marriage.

They just want to move on and forget it, but we never forget it. We may heal, we may forgive, but we will never forget. So sorry he got mad at you, but you need not to be ashamed or apologetic about still checking. I do, we all do.

musiclovingmom posted 7/28/2013 23:21 PM

I'm so sorry he reacted that way. Personally, that reaction would be a huge red flag for me. My H is actually happy when I check up on him. He wants to show me that he isn't hiding anything anymore. He wants me to feel safe again and knows that every time I check and find nothing, I get a tiny step closer. No one can choose the pace at which you heal. You are not sick.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 7/29/2013 01:41 AM

You are not a neurotic mess. I am 2 years since DDay and I still verify. WH now accepts this because I told him I need 1,000+ proof he is telling the truth for every lie. He used to be upset. WS needs to understand it is part of the R process and rebuilding trust. For me rebuilding trust is still going on.

rachelc posted 7/29/2013 05:50 AM

that reaction would be a huge red flag for me

me too and it turned out my gut was right. I put spyware on his phone, drove by his office and he saw me doing this... he was so upset. Tough. Actions have consequences. Then, he did it again...

JustWow posted 7/29/2013 06:16 AM

I agree with the others ho said his reaction is a red fla. If he has nothing to hide, why be angry.

If he had any empathy and was without a guilty conscience, it seems pretty easy to understand that rebuilding trust takes time, action and verification.

Time to go stealth.

bionicgal posted 7/29/2013 07:00 AM

I don't know if it is helpful to assume his anger is due to dishonesty. I imagine waywards get weary, too. Imagine proving yourself day after day and then it never being enough. I think it is hard on everyone, i wouldn't make the OP panic though, by insinuating that he is up to no good.

I'd check in with a MC about it, though.

Alex CR posted 7/29/2013 07:06 AM

Three and half years out and I still check my H's phone and computer...not as often, but I do.

And if he walks in while I am doing it, he says nothing......sometimes I tell him there's an email or call he should address.

This is the price of infidelity....why would any WS think they are ever again 100% trustworthy and the BS should just take their word for it?

If my H became defensive or angry, it would be a red flag for me as that was the way he operated during the years of the A. Back then I thought he was angry with me...that I had irritated him again... for some unknown reason. Now I know that tactic is one my H uses when lying or trying to hide something.

Your WH needs to adapt to the new marriage and the new rules.....just like you have to adapt to the destruction and then rebuilding of it.

You're not're smart. "Trust but verify."

rachelc posted 7/29/2013 07:10 AM

Imagine proving yourself day after day and then it never being enough.

with all due respect, this is the job of the wayward. Probably for a very long time... I'm a wayward and I don't have a problem doing this at all.
Infidelity changes things in a relationship, permanently.

WaryOptimist posted 7/29/2013 07:16 AM


Your facts and mine are very, very similar, but I'm much farther out from Dday than you, and his OW is, thankfully, 1,500 miles away and married now.

Having said that,I'm afraid to say that trust will NEVER be at 100% again, maybe not even past 80, and on a triggery day it's at zip. As far as the OW? There's always email and phone, my H works for a governmental agency where I cannot have access to either, and he is easily google-able....

It turns your world on its ear and makes you feel crazy, but it is NOT YOU.

Your H needs to change his attitude and help you navigate the mess he put you in.


Joanh posted 7/29/2013 07:25 AM

As a WW I want my BH to check, as it was stated above by another. He doesnt very often, but I think that my Bh has the right to know who what where when why anything is happening in my life. Even knowing whats on my phone. Or computer and even my conversations with my girlfriends. Not only does it make it that he knows what is going on, it also gives me a freedom. When a person is protective of secrets and worried that their spouse knows everything about them it means usually not all is transparent IMO. When your not, your free of lies and stories. And as a WW or any WS we can't expect trust and belief is earned over night, It was destroyed by our lies to you the BS. If he's not on this site show it too him it may help make him understand.

TXBW68 posted 7/29/2013 07:27 AM

I trusted my husband so much prior to A, I never checked anything. Never worried about texts, FB, Twitter, etc. He loved me, right? That trust got me 3 OW via the internet and texting - and 1 OW who was an actual RL friend.

Now, it's a whole new world.

I know that he loves me. But the majority of his excapades started on-line. There is a No Porn rule in my house now. I have passwords to everything. And I check when I feel like it - not everyday now, but about once a week. This is the price he must pay to make me feel safe again if he wants to remain in my house.

My H welcomes the chance to show me he's not doing anything now. But, in the height of his As, he would have been pissed. He kept everything locked down and his phone never left his hip.

Your H's response would be a big red flag in my house now.


heforgotme posted 7/29/2013 07:44 AM

You are not doing anything wrong. In fact, after everything that's happened, it wouldn't be too smart not to check. Fool me once.....

mchercheur posted 7/29/2013 09:00 AM

I love you all for responding. I have been feeling so bad about this, & appreciate all of your responses.

The last time WH was this upset about this issue was when he caught me driving thru the parking lot outside of the restaurant of his work Christmas Party (spouses were not going), looking to see if OW's car was there.

I have triggery times, when I get suspicious, but I don't think WH is angry because he is hiding something right now. I think he is hurt , and it's more like:

I imagine waywards get weary, too. Imagine proving yourself day after day and then it never being enough.

WH just still doesn't get it. He read 1 book--- "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" & will not read anything else. He joined this site a few months ago, started 1 thread & got a few responses, & never came back. Said he got "beat up". I can imagine he would get beat up by the wonderful Waywards on this site, since he doesn't completely own what he did---still blameshifts it to the problems in the marriage at that time, & that OW pursued him & "threw herself on him" (I guess she practically raped him!)

On the other hand, this is true:

He will have to deal with the consequenses of his actions, or move on. He should have told you how sorry that he was that you still feel threatened.

That would be nice.
People that cheat NEVER understand the consequences that they will have to live with to save their marriage.
They just want to move on and forget it, but we never forget it. We may heal, we may forgive, but we will never forget.

and maybe I have been letting him get off the hook too easy by not insisting on certain things.

The incident last night led to a discussion about how he has not been 100% transparent (has never offered to show me his work email, & I only found out that she contacted him on his work email
a few months ago (& he states he emailed her back "Don't contact me again")
because I specifically asked that question, otherwise he would never have mentioned it--- he claims because he didn't want to get me upset.

For me, what he did ended our marriage. If we didn't have 4 kids, I would never have gone back with someone who did that to me. To me, we are in a different relationship now.

For him, his A ( & our 5 month separation afterwards during which time he continued to lie & contact with OW) was just "one little blip in a long marriage".
So, he just doesn't get it about a lot of things.

This is the price of infidelity....why would any WS think they are ever again 100% trustworthy and the BS should just take their word for it?


[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:01 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

wanttogoforward posted 7/29/2013 09:04 AM

We always say here trust but verify... you are trying to trust him again... and that takes time.... TONS of time!
At more than 3 years out my H has caught me several times checking up on him in different ways... and he, for the most part, is ok with it... he knows that my actions are a direct result of his actions.... consequences I guess....
i know that I'm ok with him looking at my phone, email.... you name it... and he has no choice but to be ok with me looking at his things due to his poor choices and broken trust....
My personal thoughts are that if he is unreasonably upset then maybe he is hiding something.....

keptmyword posted 7/29/2013 19:18 PM

He should be expecting it and be quite comfortable with you checking anything. If he is being completely true and honest with his family then he should have no problem whatsoever with you checking up on him. After all, you are the one taking the effort to do so. All he has to do is live an honest life. That is not expecting too much or beating him up.

I couldn't do it. I could not live life constantly checking text messages, voice mail, emails, social media, where she is, who she is with, is she really at a work-related dinner, is there really an extended meeting, is it really a business trip, is it really a girls night out, etc, etc, etc.

I can't do it.

I want to live life in honesty and freedom. I don't want to live chained by doubts that deep inside I know will be confirmed one day or another.

I have done and can do better than that. Way better.

Clarrissa posted 7/29/2013 20:06 PM

FWW here. I have no problem with my H checking whenever he wan6s. My phone (the primary instrument in my A) is always where he can get to it. Same with my tablet. I have no social media pages (don't feel the "need" for one) so that's not an issue. As for work, I tell him at first opportunity if they've scheduled overtime. Same if I leave early. And he can get independent verification via my paystubs since they show clock in/out timee. These are also where he can get to them. I don't have anything to hide and my H knows this and if he still checks 4+ years out, I don't know about it. If so then he does. Not a problem for me.

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