I promise you it won't always hurt this bad. Those first 2-3 months were the hardest for me. I remember feeling like I was in some sort of fiery bubble. It was sheer torture.
Please keep your fluids up, eat protein bars if you can't keep anything down, get help for sleep if you're having trouble. Letting these things fall by the wayside makes this all the harder to deal with.
When I was where you are now I felt just as you describe. Just reading your words makes me cringe thinking of that time.
You'll find your anger soon and it will be a welcome relief. Channel it when it comes. Don't turn it inward. Use it to drive her out of your heart, mind and your life.
I spent many many days and nights mourning what never was, the man I thought I married. I spent far too much time wailing about the injustice of his lost potential. So much so I forgot to even consider let alone put any energy into MY potential.
None of this helps right now - I know it. I remember reading these words said to me here and being angry about it. MY marriage was different. MY love was different. They didn't understand how unique my situation was!!
But it wasn't. He was a wayward neither worse nor better than any of the garden variety kind you read about here.
You are deep in the BS fog of shock, disbelief and searing pain.
We have all been there. Please know you are not alone.
What you have been through and the rough road ahead is better than even a best case scenario with an unremorseful wayward.
You will come to see her lack of remorse as a gift one day. Hard to believe but you will.
Until then, don't worry about tomorrow or next week, next month, next year. Focus on right now. Getting through this next second, this next minute, this next hour. That is all you need to do right now. Get through this next second and try to take care of yourself.
((Running the Race)) You are going to be OK. More than OK. It doesn't feel like it right now but you will. You'll look back on this time and wonder how you ever felt this way for that sack of shit.
My first big laugh was when the thought struck me "That guy? THAT is the guy who has had me on my knees? Really??".
Healing will come. Just got to get through this rough bit first.
[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:40 AM, July 29th (Monday)]