"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Running the Race posted 7/29/2013 01:47 AM

Having a bad night. I am fighting images of my FWW moving on. Being happy. Finding someone else. It's been a little over a month since she moved out. I had my oldest son (12) this weekend. I feel so empty inside. Every activity I try and fill my life with feels, short. I feel myself
grasping at anything to pull me out of this emotional hole I'm in. I feel like a house of cards, just ready to break down in tears at any moment.
I'm trying church, focusing on my kids, running, lifting weights, playing hockey, mountain biking, swimming, sociallizing at happy hours with friends more, I can't seem to stop missing her.
I feel like I am romanticizing our past. I can't recall the bad times (her affairs) as that horrible anymore. I just feel the good times, and saddnest they are gone. I feel like there will never be happiness again in my life, everyone will fall short of my image of her. I knew her for 20 years, how do you get past that?
Trying to function throughout this week has been almost an impossible task. I just don't want to feel anymore. I am so sad. I feel like I can't do this.
I'm going to try once again to go to bed, sleep feels so difficult to get these days. I almost fear laying down. The movies of her run through my head and I can't escape them. I am so sad. Did I not do enough to save our marriage? Did I not do enough to save my family? My poor beautiful (3) children. I feel I failed them as their father.

[This message edited by Running the Race at 1:58 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

Kajem posted 7/29/2013 03:41 AM

((((((Running The Race)))))))

Hoping sleep gives you a respite from the pain and tomorrow you find pain free moments.

More hugs,

K

foreverempty posted 7/29/2013 04:33 AM

(((RTR))) man hugs dude.....

Know what you mean, still not right myself and still ovvasionally pop onto her Facebook just to twist the knife a little!

NaiveAgain posted 7/29/2013 06:10 AM

(((hugs)))
It is still very fresh for you since it has only been a month since she left. I'm sorry for your pain but it is normal and to be expected. All we can do is work thru the pain.

A few things here...

I feel like there will never be happiness again in my life, everyone will fall short of my image of her

That is correct. If you hold an unrealistic image of your WS, no one will ever be able to live up to that. You need to work hard to remember things as they really were/are....no one is perfect and if you are putting her on a pedestal and idolizing her it will make it impossible for you to move on and will keep the pain fresh. Take some time to write. Write the good AND the bad. If she is the WS, she cheated on you. That is a good start to help you remember she is not perfect.

Trying to function throughout this week has been almost an impossible task. I just don't want to feel anymore.

You will get times like this. It is okay. It is also a part of healing. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and sometimes we just have to work on getting thru the next few minutes/hour. Don't worry too much about the future right now. Focus on the present. Focus on your children. You are still their father and they still need you. Get rid of the guilt (a counselor may need to help with that part but guilt is toxic.) Obsessing about the past and what may have been and feeling guilty will keep you in a mix of toxic emotions and keep you from moving on and feeling happiness and being the best dad you can be.

While you do need to work thru the pain and the feelings surrounding this, you cannot dwell on it.

Allow yourself a certain amount of time every day to obsess/cry/feel the emotions/work thru this trauma. Maybe 15/30/60 minutes. Then put it away until tomorrow and focus completely on your family. You are still a family. You are just a different family now.

Also, we do tend to feel terrible about the damage this can do to our children, but I've been thru it twice and what I've learned is that as long as we stay loving and stable our children will be okay. Don't allow the pity and guilt to keep you from parenting the way the children need. They still (and maybe even moreso) need boundaries and restrictions. They need your unconditional love but they also need rules and guidelines. Don't get so caught up in the guilt and sadness that you forget that no matter what, you are their father.

It will be okay. Time does help heal but we have to do our part. And allow the tears. It will help speed the healing.

SBB posted 7/29/2013 06:34 AM

I promise you it won't always hurt this bad. Those first 2-3 months were the hardest for me. I remember feeling like I was in some sort of fiery bubble. It was sheer torture.

Please keep your fluids up, eat protein bars if you can't keep anything down, get help for sleep if you're having trouble. Letting these things fall by the wayside makes this all the harder to deal with.

When I was where you are now I felt just as you describe. Just reading your words makes me cringe thinking of that time.

You'll find your anger soon and it will be a welcome relief. Channel it when it comes. Don't turn it inward. Use it to drive her out of your heart, mind and your life.

I spent many many days and nights mourning what never was, the man I thought I married. I spent far too much time wailing about the injustice of his lost potential. So much so I forgot to even consider let alone put any energy into MY potential.

None of this helps right now - I know it. I remember reading these words said to me here and being angry about it. MY marriage was different. MY love was different. They didn't understand how unique my situation was!!

But it wasn't. He was a wayward neither worse nor better than any of the garden variety kind you read about here.

You are deep in the BS fog of shock, disbelief and searing pain.

We have all been there. Please know you are not alone.

What you have been through and the rough road ahead is better than even a best case scenario with an unremorseful wayward.

You will come to see her lack of remorse as a gift one day. Hard to believe but you will.

Until then, don't worry about tomorrow or next week, next month, next year. Focus on right now. Getting through this next second, this next minute, this next hour. That is all you need to do right now. Get through this next second and try to take care of yourself.

((Running the Race)) You are going to be OK. More than OK. It doesn't feel like it right now but you will. You'll look back on this time and wonder how you ever felt this way for that sack of shit.

My first big laugh was when the thought struck me "That guy? THAT is the guy who has had me on my knees? Really??".

Healing will come. Just got to get through this rough bit first.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:40 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

Confused1829 posted 7/29/2013 08:12 AM

Oh Running, ((((HUGS))))

You are in the very beginning days. All of this is normal. It is when the pain is fresh and you feel the most raw.

I experienced a lot of this the first few weeks and months. I thought I would never feel normal again. I had this crushing pain that I just could not escape, it was more painful than anything I could've ever imagined. But ya know what? What people say is true. It DOES GET BETTER. I promise.

What you are experiencing now is the 'fear of loss'. Where you long for and idolize the person that left. So you don't see the bad, even though rationally you know it's there. Getting over an affair and a divorce is like eating an elephant. One bite at a time.

Try writing everything out like people said, the good and the bad. You just have to drain it all out of you until the well is a little less full. My cousin is also going through a divorce and here are some things I shared with him that I'll share with you.

1. Don't feel guilty for being sad. It's normal. Allow yourself to feel these emotions (avoiding feelings is the rugsweepers job after all! )

2. Don't feel guilty for remembering the good times. It wasn't all bad and it's ok to still have positive memories. But also in the beginning, try to end every positive memory with a reason why you're not together now. And not just the affair, sometimes if we blame just that one thing, we try to rationalize that everything else about them was good. That's not true. No matter what it is, remember it and WRITE IT DOWN. Review the growing list when you're longing for them.

3. The first year is the hardest. Fake it til you make it. Each day, week and month gets a little bit easier. It's not a spring, but a marathon. Give yourself tiny little goals that you can accomplish each month that focuses on YOU. Reward yourself each time. For example, is one of them to organize the closet? Do it, focus on that project. When you're done, you'll feel awesome. Take yourself out to dinner or a movie to celebrate. If it's to take a class, and or learn french, do that too. It can be as big or as small as you want it to be. Just give yourself something POSITIVE to look forward to each month, celebrating the anniversary of when they left. I know that sounds odd, but I would dread the anniversary of 'DDay' so I circled that day on each calendar and forced myself to do something positive that day just for me and congratulate myself for getting 'another month under my belt, one step closer to healing'.

You'll get there. You're not alone and you will feel better. This is all normal. I promise there is someone SO much better out there for you and you'll reach a day where you shake your head at thinking that FWW was the best you'd ever have. Until that day, be kind to yourself. One day at a time.

FaithFool posted 7/29/2013 08:44 AM

Running, my heart goes out to you.

Everything has been said already ^^^, it's all true. We've all walked on the same hot coals and never believed we'd survive it.

You will. It will just take t.i.m.e.

I found meditation to soothing instrumental music (no lyrics to trigger bad memories) very helpful.

If you haven't already done so, buy two books:

Journey from Abandonment to Healing
The Power of Now.

They will help you through this awful time.

You can't distract your way out of this. It helps to face it, see it for what it is and just deal.

There is no way out but through.

Big hugs.

cmego posted 7/29/2013 09:49 AM

I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain.

For me, it is a conscious decision to not "walk backwards". The 6-9 months was the worst for me, then I started therapy.

I learned to visualize a stop sign in my head when I became emotionally overwhelmed. You begin to see by staying in the past, turning things over in your head...nothing changes except more pain.

The past is done.

You start from this point forward. You make the CHOICE to move forward.

Don't get me wrong, there are still those days that I feel like I am simply going through the motions. But those days are few and far between now.

It is definitely one step forward, one sideways, one back, then two forward. I clearly remember the day that I was at my kitchen sick...Christmas music was playing, I was getting my kids ready to rush them out the door...and I felt happy. Just...happy. That was about 11 months post S.

Time.

Running the Race posted 7/29/2013 10:45 AM

Thank you all, I was in a really bad spot last night (not too much better right now). I keep holding on to the fact that people on this website have gone through this, with marriages that had been longer. I just feel like I'm getting by, not really living life. I feel so compelled to try and call her. I don't, but when you have leaned on someone for so long, you naturally want them to still comfort you. I'm just trying to get by. Thanks for the replies, all your posts lifted me a little higher than I was.

better4me posted 7/29/2013 11:05 AM

A couple of slogans from this site (and others) were helpful reminders to me the first year of recovery from infidelity:

"One day at a time" it was the only way I got through the first painful months...I couldn't believe it would ever get better. It does. I couldn't believe that memories wouldn't always be some painful. They're no longer painful. I couldn't believe that I would ever be happy again. I am.

"No contact means no new hurts" and it's corollary; "He can't f*ck with your heart if you don't let him". Whenever I wanted to talk to him, yell at him, ask questions of him, missed him so much I wanted to see him, I remembered this. Every time I ignored it, I hurt some more.

"He's just not that special" You will feel happiness again. There will be another love some day if you want it. There will be new activities and holidays and memories with your children and they will be good even with out her.

"Keep moving" Being involved with the activities you listed church, exercise, socializing, work will eventually even out the sadness. Eventually you will be able to enjoy these activities without them being tinged with sadness.

Sadness and loneliness and worry are always worse at night for me.

((Running the race))