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how did you do it???

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scangel3 posted 7/29/2013 03:39 AM

For all you who have successfully R'd, how'd you do it? We are FINALLY in a position within ourselves, our marriage to really truly try to successfully R. I FINALLY know everything, ok well maybe not detail min by min everything, but I know what happened and how far it went, which is all the way. BUT it took 3 years to get here, 3 years for some true remorse. But we're here! And I finally feel at peace with my decision to stay and work on our M. There's still a part of me that is dragging behind, thinking of "other" possibilities/whats possibly out there. But that's not what I want at this time.

But then I look to our future and see the A still and always will affect our M, it will always be a part of our history. But I don't want it to be! I still don't trust him, I trigger a lot, although it is getting better, but I share my fears and triggers with him and he's been supportive and saying the right things. (I say "saying" not doing because my triggers tend to happen while he's at work, so his only option it's to respond to my text with a text). My triggers while physically with him are fewer and farther between, we can finally after 3 years have sex with no mind movies creeping in, most the time. Things are truly getting better, FINALLY.

But is this as good as it gets??? Do the triggers ever fully go away? Do you ever really get past this disaster they caused, and are able to move on together and rebuild??? That's where those of you that have been in true R for awhile now, come in. How do you move on?

ETA: I don't recommend reading a journal entry from a month after first dday, that you just found, when you are just starting to see the light out of A hell!!! I did and now I am reminded of all the pain and hurt that was done at the beginning that I had forgotten about. That all just ads to these moving on dilemmas/questions I already had!

[This message edited by scangel3 at 3:42 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

unfound posted 7/29/2013 10:49 AM

But is this as good as it gets???

That's up to the two of you.

Do the triggers ever fully go away?

In my experience, no. But the frequency diminishes, and when they do hit, the way I process them and how they affect me is less. They don't bring me to my knees but more give me pause, fleetingly most times.

I've gotten to a place where I can see them for what they are, in the now, and know that they have no power over me in the NOW. Sometimes there is a twinge of sadness for what was, what I used to be, but for the most part, they are more reminders of how far we've come and the hard work it took to get here. I can either focus on why we had to get here to begin with, or where we actually are.

For me, looking at them logically, through non A glasses helped. IE: it's a car, made up of metal and wires and plastic.. it can't hurt me.

There was no playbook or step by step instructions to get to that point. It happened slowly, with fits and starts and by making mistakes and then figuring out what worked for us....and being accepting with the process. Did it suck sometimes? Yes. Did it seem like it would never be okay? Yes.

But the more we went through it, the more it was met with consistent validation and reassurance, the more we used the healthy tools we'd acquired, the easier it got until it becomes almost second nature instead of seeming like work.

Do you ever really get past this disaster they caused, and are able to move on together and rebuild???

The term "past it"...let's just say that when I think back, I think "through it". Cause it IS part of our past. To ignore that, to try to forget and leave it behind would be a disservice to the hard work we've done to get to the here and now. make sense? Looking back it makes it possible to be proud of the work we've done. This is not easy shit to get through.

It is possible to rebuild, and making sure you rebuild with strong quality materials is key. Honesty, respect, productive communication, empathy, two healthy people working towards the same common goal. What you build upon (and when you recognize something unhealthy, address it, resolve it, replace it with something healthy, then continue on) will be the foundation of the relationship.

How do you move on?

Reaching a place of acceptance was what helped me move on. It didn't change anything that had happened, but it allowed me room to start real healing, both for myself and my M. It wasn't a fluid transition. I would beat myself up about not doing it right, second guessing myself, being so impatient with myself that it became unhealthy.

I also had to accept and acknowledge mr unfounds efforts. I wasn't rebuilding the M alone. He couldn't do it alone. While we were each responsible for our own healing, We had to heal the M together. We had to both be actively healing ourselves in order to heal our M. I had to trust that he was all in and sincere and react accordingly. Again, not something I just woke up and had an epiphany about. It took time to sink in. It took many runs up to the edge of those leaps of faith before I was certain, that even if he wasn't there to catch me, I'd be okay.

[This message edited by unfound at 10:51 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

LifeisCrazy posted 7/29/2013 11:23 AM

Don't expect for R to mean that the affair is gone from your life. I don't think that ever happens. But I do believe that in order to move forward you need to let go of it. That takes a conscious decision on your part.

So many people simply can't let go. The guy can't get past the idea of his wife fucking another guy. The wife can't bear the thought of the husband spending time with a prostitute. "They screwed in a car!" "He took her on vacation!" "She slept with him on our anniversary!" There are hundreds of things that "hurt" from an affair. They all suck. They all tear at your soul.

But there comes a time where you need to decide if your WS has recommitted. 100%. All in. And, at that point, do all the triggers, all the "gory details" really matter anymore?

There comes a point where you need to let go. Do you really want to reconcile? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If the answer is yes - and the answer is yes from him - then you need bite the bullet and allow him back into your life.

The affair will always be there. The triggers will be there. The sadness will occasionally return.

But he will be there for you. And you for him. And you will fight for your marriage together and, at the end of the day, you'll be glad you did.

If you can't mentally make that commitment - then life will be a continued journey of sadness.

You make the choice - for yourself and for him.

scangel3 posted 7/30/2013 00:40 AM

Thank you for your replies! R is what I want... Most the time. I've spent the past year working on myself, 180ing off and on, thinking about life without him, the possibility of someone new (my wh's is my one and only and my only 2nd boyfriend ever). I finally started to see it as a good thing. But then WH finally showed real remorse, finally coming totally clean about the acts of the a, and we finally decided to really try R. But it hasn't always been easy changing my mind set, and I still second guess our decision to R when I really think about all the pain and destruction he put me thru, and that's where I was yesterday, stuck in that pain he caused.

I know we have a long road to R successfully, he and I both need IC and we need MC as well. He has to love me again (part of his needing IC) and I have to love him again and learn to trust. I never thought this would be where i was in this process 3 years out, but I am and this is the decision we have made.

I know I need to "let go" and eventually I hope I will be able to. But we've had a good start, up until last night, we have to be in this for the long haul cause I know it won't be easy!

ItsaClimb posted 7/30/2013 07:51 AM

Brilliant thread this, thanks for the thoughtful posts.

somanyyears posted 7/30/2013 10:17 AM

..unfound and LifeisCrazy have the realistic approach..

..being in it for the long haul.. for better or worse..

..deep sadness still exists in my soul, how can it not??

..but i am committed and so is she, so we make it work, day to day.

.. we're booked for Paris and London in Sept. so that should help take my mind off 'stuff'..

..i just keep trying, it's all i can do!


bionicgal posted 7/30/2013 11:13 AM

What a great bunch of posts. Sending healing thoughts to you all.

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