"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Unforgivable posted 7/29/2013 09:02 AM

My BS sent me an email. She knows. All she wrote was: We can talk when I get home. She hasn't written anything else or answered my calls. She is away on business and gets back on Wednesday. Omg, I am terrified of her getting home.

The email BS sent was a forward from OW#2. I have been married for 5 years (my second) and have being having an affair with OW#2 for 5 months. She knew I was married.

My wife has discovered my affair with OW#2, compromising photos and emails. OW#2 was pissed off when she found out about MOW#1. She is my colleague. This is just sex. Has been going on for 2 years. How can OW#2 feel betrayed by OW#1? We were screwing around on my wife so what the hell is her complaint? She did this to get back at me or to hurt my BS.

When I think of it now, I don't love either of the OW. I can't believe what I have done. I just want time to stand still.

What do I tell my wife when she gets home. We have no children and I don't want to lose her. There have been ONS too. I used an Internet site to hook up with 4 women over the last 2 years.

My wife is the most fantastic woman. I love her! She does travel but I don't think she has ever even thought of another man. She is loving and faithful and I have been an arsehole!!!

Do I tell her? Everything? If I do she will leave me.

What a mess. Please help me!

LovesLaboursLost posted 7/29/2013 09:09 AM

Yes, tell her everything. She may leave you, she may not...but really, that's her decision. You don't get to make it for her, so let go of that outcome.

Sounds like you have a lot of digging to do. If your wife is the most fantastic woman ever, why are you cheating on her with 6 (if I counted right) OW?

Get it over with and tell everything. Lying and minimizing will kill whatever is left of your marriage as surely as the affairs. If you love her, do the right thing.

The waywards here are wise people. If you're willing to take a hard look at yourself and your shit, they will help you. Welcome.

Stillkicking posted 7/29/2013 09:19 AM

You have found the best place here, there is an amazing group of people here that will help keep you on the right path, if you are willing to do the work, i would recomend reading the healing library if havent already, it is in the yellow box on the top left, that being said here goes...

You must be completely honest with your wife, nothing else will even come close to working. You must expose everything, the longer you drag this out (trickle truth)the more you are going to hurt her, the less likely your going to be able to save your marriage. This isn't about you anymore this about helping her.

Have you consider yet that you may be a sex addict? I would make an appointment to see a individual councillor, and start digging at yourself to see why you have allowed yourself to make these choices.

This is a long and hard journey friend, so do the work and fix yourself, not for her, but for a better you.

Fix yourself and the rest will follow.

Good luck, and don't give up. There is always a chance as long as your completely honest.

MovingUpward posted 7/29/2013 09:20 AM

Welcome, I am sure that you have a lot going on in your mind right now. I would invite you to read in the Healing Library as well as other posts here in Wayward. I agree that telling the truth and the full truth will be the best. Unfortunately it doesn't guarantee that your wife will stay. However when a BS has to confront new info time and time again their trust continues to plummet and they are more likely to run.

stilllovingher posted 7/29/2013 09:23 AM

if your wife is the most fantastic woman ever, why are you cheating on her with 6 (if I counted right) OW?

Prolly because his cheating wasn't about her, it was about him.

Unforgivable,
now is the time for truth, now is when you be the MAN you promised her. The damage is already done, what's left is holding yourself accountable for it.

Are you man enough to hold your own feet to the fire?

solus sto posted 7/29/2013 09:26 AM

Very gently, you state that OW told to get back at you or to hurt your wife. What your wife will want to know is why you were not faithful. That's what I'd examine, rather than OW motives. Those you already know devalue your wife.

Really, that the OW told your wife was a gift. Living a lie is a terrible way to live.

Now you can knock down the barriers to emotional intimacy that secrets and lies build and--if your wife agrees to R-- work on having a genuine marriage.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:28 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

Unforgivable posted 7/29/2013 09:34 AM

I know my wife did nothing to deserve this mess I have created. She is an amazing woman even if I cheated with 6 different people. I can't believe what I have done and how hurt she must be right now.

OW #2 knew I was married. What does not make sense was she was ok cheating on my wife, but when OW#1 was discovered, OW#2 hurts my wife. Makes no sense.

I am afraid to tell my BS the full truth. It scares me to death that she will leave me.

Thank you for the responses- will check out the library.

stilllovingher posted 7/29/2013 09:43 AM

I am afraid to tell my BS the full truth. It scares me to death that she will leave me.

do you think that she deserves to make that choice based on the whole truth. How do you think you will feel knowing that she chose to stay based on lies?

mchercheur posted 7/29/2013 09:55 AM

No stop sign, so I hope that it is OK if I ,a BW, post.

I think one of the most important things for you to read is this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

"Things that every WS needs to know"

SisterMilkshake posted 7/29/2013 10:05 AM

OW#2 hurts my wife.

No, Unforgivable, you hurt your wife.

Kind of the same scenario on how I found out about my FWH was cheating. The OW told me.

FWH was very angry at OW for hurting me, but the truth is, he is the one who hurt me. FWH thought "What I don't know won't hurt me!" and I am imagining that was/is your attitude, too.

Accept full responsibility for what you did. Accept the full responsibility that you are the one that hurt your BW.

I know you are scared, but the best thing you can do now is be completely honest with your BW. Don't minimize, don't leave things out. Full disclosure.

Yes, definitely read "Things Every WS needs to know...." it was one of the best things that my FWH read and put into action that helped me as a BW.

JustDesserts posted 7/29/2013 10:09 AM

Really, that the OW told your wife was a gift. Living a lie is a terrible way to live.

Start here.

And until your actions regarding "My wife is the most fantastic woman. I love her!" match your words, you are (imho) in a special state of self-centered, delusional, and grandiose limbo...with the guy staring back at you in the mirror as the beginning, middle, and end of every single problem and outcome your life is about to experience.

Lots of great stuff here for you if you feel like sticking around, getting real, and deciding who it is you want staring back at you in the mirror first thing every morning. It ain't fun, and it ain't pretty. And I haven't read about any shortcuts, either.

Welcome to the clubhouse.

LadyQ posted 7/29/2013 10:44 AM

As a BS who desperately wanted the whole truth and never quite got it, I can tell you that it was the continued dishonesty that pulled the trigger. I'm not saying we WOULD have reconciled if he had been totally honest from the get-go (I don't have a crystal ball and can only Monday morning quarterback the "what its"), but I can tell you that nearly a year and a half of slow torture did me in.

Please, be totally honest with yourself, and then go be totally honest with your wife. You both deserve it.

uncertainone posted 7/29/2013 10:53 AM

OW #2 knew I was married. What does not make sense was she was ok cheating on my wife, but when OW#1 was discovered, OW#2 hurts my wife. Makes no sense.

It makes perfect sense. Just like you're stunned someone that agreed to be complicit with you hurting you're wife then...hurt your wife. That makes no sense either. Which, in this cluster fuck, makes perfect sense as well.

Recap. No one is fucking thinking about your wife here.

You're terrified she'll leave you? Why? What did you honestly think was going to happen? Now THAT actually makes no sense.

You knew with each choice you made exactly what you were doing. Exactly. Affairs end marriages. They were designed to end marriages.

Why did you feel it was ok to make these choices?

itainteasy posted 7/29/2013 11:00 AM

Write down everything about all of your affairs. Get every fact, every method of contact, every website log in name/password, every secret email log in/password, make sure your cell phone is unlocked....

and be ready to hand it all over to your wife.

Give her the 100% truth NOW. Don't do it in doses. Don't withold anything to "protect" her. That only hurts more. She WILL find out if you lie to her.

It's like a band aid, Unforgivable, you have to RIP that off.

You have lied to her for a long time. Give her the gift of the truth, and she might give you the gift of Reconciliation.

Lies at this point will only kill what's left of your marriage, and of her heart.

How did your first marriage end? Were you unfaithful to your first wife?

WHY were you unfaithful?
Get your self into counseling.

You cannot control the outcome, here. Your wife has the right to decide if she wants to continue the marriage. You have to face the consequences of your actions.

Be truthful. Be honest.
Show remorse, but only if you truly feel it. Faked remorse hurts, too.

OldCow18 posted 7/29/2013 11:03 AM

I am a BW and just over 7 weeks in from d-day and I will tell you that trickle truth (for example, "It was only 2 times" *weeks later* "well, it was 4 or 5 times...") kind of crap is 100% no doubt about it the reason I am currently losing my mind and considering NOT reconciling. His actions SINCE d-day have caused as much if not MORE pain than the A itself.

Be honest, be 100% honest, be forthcoming, volunteer the information, DO NOT SUGAR COAT ANYTHING thinking it will help, it will only hurt. Please beleive me. And good luck to you both, you've just got on the longest and hardest and most painful road of your life.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 11:04 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

5454real posted 7/29/2013 11:05 AM

Full disclosure. Betrayed husband here. If you would like to know what your wife(My wife is the most fantastic woman. I love her! ) needs to know to help her process this. Please refer to http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp And read it a few times.

Hope it helps

LA44 posted 7/29/2013 11:09 AM

Everyone is giving you great advice. Of course you have to tell her the truth. I would be ready to hand over a timeline and passwords when she returns. Once she reads the timeline she will want to ask you many questions in the weeks and possibly months to come.

This is a trauma.

I would also show her the books you are reading: How to Heal your Spouse Heal from Your Affair would be one and the number of the therapist you will be seeing.

This is a blessing that your wife found out and altho this might be a deal breaker for her even if she leaves you, please do the work on yourself to figure out why you have been choosing this behavior.

Finally, you may want to direct your wife to SI. She is going to need support, a safe place to vent and learn from.

Good luck.
LA

LosferWords posted 7/29/2013 11:18 AM

I agree with what everyone is saying here about telling everything to your wife. You can't control how she is going to react. You can't have any expectation of the outcome. But at least you will be truthful, finally.

One of the first questions your wife is going to ask you is: "Why?". This also happens to be one of the most important questions that we continually have to ask ourselves as we dig deep and try to figure out why we were willing to destroy our spouses, and destroy ourselves over something so meaningless as "This is just sex.", as you put it.

Hang in there, speak the truth, and be prepared for a long ride. You have a lot of work ahead of you, and joining this web site was a good first step.

SoVerySadNow posted 7/29/2013 11:25 AM

No stop sign...BS here.

OW #2 knew I was married. What does not make sense was she was ok cheating on my wife, but when OW#1 was discovered, OW#2 hurts my wife. Makes no sense

.
It gives you an insight into the brokenness, doesn't it?
Please tell the whole truth from the beginning- don't trickle it out (TT) or make your wife beg it out of you.
And start working on a timeline so it will be in front of you during your discussions. My WH eventually did that (in an essay form that included his thoughts) and it was horrifying to both of us but things became real then. At least we were on the path together.
Good luck.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 11:28 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

TXBW68 posted 7/29/2013 11:49 AM

I have to chime in as a BW also...

We separated for 10 months after I discovered OW#4 (who I thought was #2). At 7 months out, we started dating again. At 9 months out, he was spending the occassional night with me again. I asked him point-blank if there were others. He looked me in the eyes and said "Absolutely Not".

So, how surprised do you think I was when I found out 2 months after he moved home that there were actually 2 more? AND THEN to find out 3 months after that that he was also "in lurve" with one of those 2, not just a ONS as he had said before?

Trickle truth, lying, withholding the truth to save the BS from more hurt. It's all the same. It all destroys the possibility of having a true marriage.

Tell her everything. Write out the timeline as already suggested. Be prepared to eat lots of humble pie. It's time to start caring about her feelings by giving her the truth up front. She deserves to have full disclosure so she can make an informed decision about how she wants to proceed.

She will be devastated. No doubt. Afterwards, she may kick you out. She may want to save the marriage. But no matter what happens, she deserves the truth.

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 11:50 AM, July 29th (Monday)]