SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I asked my wife for divorce in March and we have been separated living in different houses for about two months. Very long story short in Nov & Dec 2011 I found out she was having an affair. She worked very, very hard at addressing the underlying issues and focusing extensively on helping me recover. However, for me the affair killed part of me. I was emotionally numb and felt like my love for her was gone. In retrospect I think i was still broken.

I am now realizing that she is the woman I want more than anything else but she has already moved on and while she would have done anything to have us back a month ago, now she is rejoicing in her new found freedom and is becoming the strong, confident, beautiful woman that I first married but who was lost underneath a sea of regret, depression, FOO issues, and in all fairness a husband who could have done better for the last 10 years.

So now the dumper becomes the dumpee. I hate this and have the added burden of knowing that I was the one who initiated the divorce. It's forced me to reconsider all of the things in my life that are important and having my family is top of the list. Perhaps it's also all the crap from the last 18 months that I've held in. I don't know but I feel lost and hopeless.

Sorry you find yourself here.

((ThisClubSucks))

I am sorry that you are going through this now. Why do you feel differently than you did in March??? What did she do that all the sudden made you realize that you wanted her??? Too often we want what we know we can't have. Is that what happened?? I think that is what happens alot of times with waywards and their A and then when the WS's BS take a stand that's when the fog clears and they decide they want the marriage. I know you are not the WS, but it sounds sort of like that type dynamic in your relationship now. She has moved on and now you want her back. You need to address why you refused her attempt at reconciliation until it was too late. Why all the sudden you love and want her again now?? (((HUGS)))

I understand. I am going through this too. I think what I grieve for is my "picture" of my marriage and what I wanted it to be. Reality is that it never was, but I am having a horrible time letting it go. I don't even know if I love him. I just don't want to lose my family and start my life over, but guess what...I don't have a choice. He didn't give me one.

I'm sorry, Club.

And I'm finding that there are many stages to go through during this process. Like you, I am the one that filed, but my spouse is the one who was unhappy and never spoke of it until he was discovered in his double life.

I remember at the start of false reconciliation, telling him, "you are killing Mrs. ...", meaning me. Part of me is died and gone forever, for marriage was my whole life. I was the proverbial stay at home mom who lived for my daughter and he to come home ...and then I felt alive.

Anyway, what I'm told and feel is that we have processes now to go through and they are painful, indeed. Some of life's biggest pain, but you know what? The truth is out now.

That's how I look at it and I don't know if it will help you someday, but the truth will prevail.

I have heard of people who also go out of their way to act more jovial than they feel when in front or near a spouse they betrayed...I have witnessed this. Maybe she is doing that?

I now realize that I finally understand the levels of duplicity that were done to me, but I still grieve and mourn every day. I've been alone for a year and a half, but only discovered him six months ago. I mourn the people we were and the dreams that he killed and also the part of me that died.

I have periods of that numb feeling too and cannot find my purpose now in life. I can't figure out what matters or why I should bother caring, but am still going and hope you will, too.

I apologize for my lengthy message and wish for you a light to shine ahead of your feet as you walk this new path and learn to find your way again.

I guess I feel differently for a number of reasons. She's finally getting past being the "wayward" to being interesting again. She's focusing on herself and I find her physical changes and confidence amazingly attractive. I guess part of it too is that my "love language" is quality time / fun / experiences / what ever and I went without that for years and years and now that we've separated she's doing and scheduling things I would have LOVED to have done with her. I also fully acknowledge that I have her on a pedestal at the moment so maybe that's jading my logic.

Also after evaluating what's important to me in a relationship, I've come to realize she's someone I would be super into if I were dating. Looking at things through a completely unbiased perspective there are a number of her qualities (confidence, beauty, intelligence, career-focus, taking care of herself) I would insist on in a relationship. Ironically, a number of those qualities she completely lacked prior to and during the A. She's only really brought them out in the last 18 months. I guess a lot of it is "why couldn't you have been like that before all the shit happened". She was like that when we first got together. Something changed and broke her.

Is she doing as well as she says she is? Who knows... I'm sure she still has her moments but all I see now is the girl i fell in love with 17 years ago.

The back and forth push pull dumpee dumper happened to me too. One of us would pull away, the other would chase, it just kept trading sides - and it took forever to finally let go of the fantasy and realize that him dumping me was his way of getting control, and it ended up just a cruel game to him.

It hurt big time. I too hated it and felt so ripped off. In fact I still do.

I think maybe you should ask yourself if your renewed desire for her was actually triggered by her moving away and "rejoicing in her new found freedom" - is this person really what she appears? Could it be that you are building her up in your mind now that she is more distant? Is absence making the heart grow fonder? Because in separation your mind can fill in the blanks however it needs the blanks filled in, and some of that can really be fantasy, not reality.

Just a thought. After multiple bouts of trying to R, followed by being gaslighted, tricked, fooled and yanked around, with the image he projected being really a falsehood, and my mind shining the best possible light on it, I got my heart broken over and over and over. I know the pain of watching him move on as if I was completely disposable was excruciating.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It seems like the 180 is going to be essential for you to move forward. Focusing on me and my healing really helped me stop pining about him. He was gone from the start and the illusion that he wanted to repair our M was something he concocted to keep me on the hook and I let him play me big time.

When I was able to turn away from him and stop focusing on what I was losing, I started feeling better and eventually I have come to a sort of truce with my heartstrings which yanked me back and forth.

You can't control her feelings for you. With enough practice you can get to where your feelings for her can be controlled though. Hang in there, it gets better.

((((ThisClubSucks)))) <--- I like your user name and totally agree

Wow, HeartBroken... Short of the ongoing nature of your "fun" you've just perfectly described us. I have constantly described it as a gap that is a certain width and no matter what, we can't close it (she pushes I pull and vice versa). We always think that our situations are so unique and then BAM someone comes along and says "yep been there done that. it sucks". It makes me feel a little less crazy.

I went for a very intense run today and had the clarity to realize that my feelings are mine and that I had to control them and not allow her to do so indirectly. It was great for a couple of hours and then back on the roller coaster. It'll never leave me how much shit I've dealt with the last 2 years. I hope I'm paying my price now for a happier future...

Oh and get this: she said I should date someone else while we're separated so I can realize how much I miss her (half jokingly?). And I don't / want to hear that's because she may be dating someone. I get a lot of comfort in her professions that she hates boys and can't see herself ever getting in another relationship.

[This message edited by ThisClubSucks at 12:20 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Maybe it's just me, but your second to last post makes me very uncomfortable. You wondered why she couldn't be confident, beautiful, career-focused, and into "taking care of herself" (usually code for "trying to look pretty" not actually taking care of one's physical health) before? None of those qualities are about the affair. Basically, you sound like you want a perfect partner, and you didn't appreciate her the way she was before. Well, I would've moved on past you, too, then, and you wanting me back because I had become prettier and more confident would NOT make ME want YOU back. In fact, I would be pretty positive I wanted someone who would want me even when I wasn't any of those things, for whatever reason. Think about it.

Editing to explain that I did not mean I would've cheated on you, too. When I said "I would've moved on past you, too" I just meant that while you were busy rejecting my efforts at R, only deciding you wanted to R once I became your imaginary "perfect" partner, I would've decided I wanted no part of someone who only wanted me when I was "perfect". I get that she's the cheater. I really do. That doesn't mean that she deserves to only be wanted when she changes all these other things that have nothing to do with cheating. All that stuff just reeks of you thinking you were too good for her until she got prettier, smarter, made more money, whatever. You may not feel that way or acknowledge that you feel that way, but that's how that reads to me.

[This message edited by Coraline at 3:29 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Coraline, I can appreciate what you're saying and it makes a lot of sense. In fact I read this before I went to sleep and since I don't seem to sleep for more than a couple of hours anymore I thought a lot about what you wrote...

So to clarify on point "taking care of herself" was totally about being physically healthy. My main "hobby" is endurance sports so it's a pretty important point for me. And it's not just about looking fit, it's about being able to do things, setting a good example for our kids, developing an inner confidence and strength that comes from being physically healthy. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea.

As for only being interested in her when she's on her game, so to speak, I've seen her about as low as a person can get and was there for her. She had some major, major self-esteem and confidence issues (from FOO stuff) and it, frankly, created a very unhappy situation for all of us. It created distance between us that was hard to overcome but I always felt like it was "us" and not her or I. Very much of who I am was being her husband.

Your post did get me thinking more about why now. I think for the 15 months following the affair I was very much in a daze (or maybe my own version of a fog). I was seriously considering all of my of my options and sure I got a bit of grass is greener mindset too. I think being away from her and seeing her move on snapped me out of it. It was suddenly real. On the other hand, it would have been a disaster to have kept going down the path we were - I was getting more and more resentful and she was getting more and more exhausted. So in that sense at least we avoided a complete hull breach. Maybe too late though.

FWIW, I was told by Perv that I should go to some bars and pick up some dates because my self esteem was in the trash.

But I don't get ego boosts from other people, in that way, so in stronger times, I snicker at that idea.

One thing that really helped me and I don't know if it will help you or anyone here, is to keep up with my realizations about him and the world. When I let myself admit to some of the problems and struggles, I see two very different people and he had changed into someone I didn't know, while I hung on to the "him" of the past.

It was also the "him" of my dreams, but in actuality, the real person only shared a building with me...he had moved on in his mind, had sold his soul and given away his heart, so that all that's left is kind of a hollow shell.

Flip-flopping also happened to me, but now, he's said and done so many more hurtful things, that there's just no way. The hurtful things are still going on.

I was thinking of your first post. I, too, initiated divorce, but part of it was to show that I have pride, respect and a back bone. It sounds like you do, too, but as we see the person who hurt us change, it's hard to rememember to also protect ourself.

Would you really want to put all your marbles back in the jar, knowing the kind of deceit she is capable of?

Though I am having trouble getitng my heart to let go, my mind is slowly but surely shutting the door.

And don't things we think are shiny always look and feel unatainable? I'm thinking of going shopping and seeing something expensive in a store window, and maybe I have one at home, so why do I need that new one?

I'm getting really long (that's not new!) but also, one last thing, is to say that at least you are aware of what your WW is like and "new guy" isn't. This is my comfort when I think of Perv and OW and helps me realize or think that I know what I'm missing and she's a fool.

And in your first post, you talked about FOO issues, so if she still has them and if you do too, then it's my abstract thought that things may not be better or different if the issues aren't fixed or made aware of?

Thisclubsucks,
Your topic is close to what I find myself doing with my EXW, I find myself romanticizing my relationship with her. I wasn't perfect, but neither was she. I too find my ex investing heavily into her appearance. Although when we were married I would encourage her to go to the gym, run, etc, she never would. Or she would be too tired to.
It sounds like your separation is pretty fresh (like mine).
I did an exercise where I listed all the pros of our relationship to all the cons, what I found was interesting, the cons were at least double the pros. However, whenever I think of my EXWife, I think of the pros!
Now I wasn't perfect, I too asked for the divorce, and I too found myself wanting her back. But I feel the number one thing that always will make me realize I just cant take her back, is trust. Her A caused me not to trust her and it manifested themselves into unhealthy ways (a lot of times unfairly to her).
I wish I could tell you there is an easy way to get past your ex getting past you, but I don't know of it just yet. Logically I see it, emotionally it is a really difficult pill to swallow.