Hours of honest communication with h last night and amazing MC appt. today.
I have learned my anger was a reaction, an expression of my pain. A kneejerk response to feeling rejected. I have never allowed myself anger before, I was totally unprepared for the overwhelming emotions. In the past I always just felt hurt, cried, never expected change or compassion.
I learned from the other night. First if I feel anger, stop for a bit, comfort myself until I can sort my emotions, what am I feeling, why?
Speak, express what I feel, give h the chance to express his feelings.
What h learned. How much I need reassurance right now. That he needs to be very open about what he is feeling and thinking and not just withdraw. That it is ok to reach out to me and try to understand my feelings and comfort me. That by withdrawing it only reinforces my feelings of rejection. (this is from him)
He was so open last night. Speaking of how he thinks and feels now vs. how he was thinking in the past. Speaking of realizing that he was blaming me for how he felt, his lonliness and not recognizing or looking at himself and how he was creating it or how he could change it. Looking back at who he was and not liking that man and trying to figure out how to change.
Speaking of his shame and how much it hurts to see the pain he caused me and not being able to express his remorse to me.
He says he feels it but the words just don't form, nothing seems adequate.
He has not had a drink for over 2 months now. He is very happy and proud of that. He says he feels as if he is waking up and confronting himself and who he has been for the first time. Actually allowing himself to feel his emotions and not just push them away, ignore them.
If he can sustain this introspection and sobriety, this openness of emotion, maybe we have a chance.
In myself I must trust my feelings, remind myself that whatever I feel is ok, feelings are never wrong, they just are. I deserve to be treated with respect and if I feel I am not, acknowledge it, deal with it responsibly, do not ignore it and forgive cheaply.
This is my life and I deserve to live it feeling safe and valued. I must respect and value myself first.
This must all seem so crazy, that I allowed myself to be treated so badly for so long. It seems crazy to me now too. How could I not have recognized this? I have to forgive myself for failing me. I failed to protect myself, value myself, see my worth.
This is what I learned, this was all I knew. It was my normal. Why would I expect more when I never even knew it existed? So sad, but so good that now I see, now I know that life doesn't have to be just survival.
Another thought that h shared with me that was important.
He says that he never would have been open to change, that there was nothing that I could have done to reach him, until he hit bottom. He says he feels that only a traumatic event was enough to shock him into examining himself and desiring to make changes. He feels as if his a was his traumatic event. He is shocked that he did this but says that he would have just continued on the same course without it. He says that he is grateful for this chance with me to make it right, to be the man he should be. He told me that he is sad that I have to go through so much pain because of him, that he couldn't have recognized what was wrong in another way.
