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update to my update - anger

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cantaccept posted 7/29/2013 09:21 AM

Hours of honest communication with h last night and amazing MC appt. today.

I have learned my anger was a reaction, an expression of my pain. A kneejerk response to feeling rejected. I have never allowed myself anger before, I was totally unprepared for the overwhelming emotions. In the past I always just felt hurt, cried, never expected change or compassion.

I learned from the other night. First if I feel anger, stop for a bit, comfort myself until I can sort my emotions, what am I feeling, why?

Speak, express what I feel, give h the chance to express his feelings.

What h learned. How much I need reassurance right now. That he needs to be very open about what he is feeling and thinking and not just withdraw. That it is ok to reach out to me and try to understand my feelings and comfort me. That by withdrawing it only reinforces my feelings of rejection. (this is from him)

He was so open last night. Speaking of how he thinks and feels now vs. how he was thinking in the past. Speaking of realizing that he was blaming me for how he felt, his lonliness and not recognizing or looking at himself and how he was creating it or how he could change it. Looking back at who he was and not liking that man and trying to figure out how to change.

Speaking of his shame and how much it hurts to see the pain he caused me and not being able to express his remorse to me.

He says he feels it but the words just don't form, nothing seems adequate.

He has not had a drink for over 2 months now. He is very happy and proud of that. He says he feels as if he is waking up and confronting himself and who he has been for the first time. Actually allowing himself to feel his emotions and not just push them away, ignore them.

If he can sustain this introspection and sobriety, this openness of emotion, maybe we have a chance.

In myself I must trust my feelings, remind myself that whatever I feel is ok, feelings are never wrong, they just are. I deserve to be treated with respect and if I feel I am not, acknowledge it, deal with it responsibly, do not ignore it and forgive cheaply.

This is my life and I deserve to live it feeling safe and valued. I must respect and value myself first.

This must all seem so crazy, that I allowed myself to be treated so badly for so long. It seems crazy to me now too. How could I not have recognized this? I have to forgive myself for failing me. I failed to protect myself, value myself, see my worth.

This is what I learned, this was all I knew. It was my normal. Why would I expect more when I never even knew it existed? So sad, but so good that now I see, now I know that life doesn't have to be just survival.

Another thought that h shared with me that was important.

He says that he never would have been open to change, that there was nothing that I could have done to reach him, until he hit bottom. He says he feels that only a traumatic event was enough to shock him into examining himself and desiring to make changes. He feels as if his a was his traumatic event. He is shocked that he did this but says that he would have just continued on the same course without it. He says that he is grateful for this chance with me to make it right, to be the man he should be. He told me that he is sad that I have to go through so much pain because of him, that he couldn't have recognized what was wrong in another way.

ohiocarrie535 posted 7/29/2013 10:04 AM

What a wonderful post! I am so happy you and your WH are opening up to each other! Please keep us posted!

LosferWords posted 7/29/2013 10:06 AM

confused615 posted 7/29/2013 10:08 AM

He is saying a lot of the right things. To know if he means them,watch his actions.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/29/2013 10:12 AM

Great insights all around!!!

cantaccept posted 7/29/2013 10:22 AM

It feels so good to actually be able to post something positive!

I feel better today than I have since dday, 9 months of crying and constant pain.

Today I have some hope. There is a heart in there! I really was beginning to wonder and feeling very frightened.

I always thought there was but since dday I was questioning if I had just imagined it.

There is such a very long way to go. I must be careful and make sure I take care of me along the way.

Now maybe I can give a little more encouragement to him because I feel safer. If I give him more encouragement then he can be more open and ...


Getting to Happy posted 7/29/2013 10:43 AM

So beautiful to connect.

WoundedOpus posted 7/29/2013 10:46 AM

I think you both should check out this book:

It has a very Christian basis, but I honestly don't feel that it detracts in any way, or overshadows the message. The author is able to put into words and with examples so well what I feel are the core issues with myself, my husband and our marriage. I spent so much time focusing on the A, that I lost sight or maybe never realized, that the A wasn't the problem, it was simply a symptom of the problem. (albeit a huge, destructive, devastating one!)

Good luck to you both!

Missymomma posted 7/29/2013 12:17 PM

So glad that you had a little breakthrough! How wonderful that your MC validated your right to your feelings and asked your WH to step up. Happy that he has been sober for two months. The work for recovery will take years. It is very positive that your WH is starting to own his behavior and choices. Progress not perfection!

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