The funny thing is that I could totally see the 180 working in favor of our marriage at this point, if it weren't for the affair.
I have been keeping her at arm's length, remaining reticent when she wants to initiate conversation, being civil but not warm. And I see her trying to get closer. I see her wanting to know more about what I'm doing. She may not want to be married to me, but she wants to have more of a connection than I am allowing her to have at the moment.
In another circumstance, I would have considered these all to be good signs. I could see us being on the road to more positive interactions. I can see opportunities for us to laugh together (A harrumph is really all I allow myself in these situations), to bond, opportunities that she would have resisted when I was pushing for them, but which she might just make room for now. In time, over years maybe, there might have been a possibility that these interactions could have grown, that a relationship could have reformed. This is the kind of thing I hear about when I read about couples who have separated and then gotten back together.
It might all be going in a positive direction, except that the one thing that really needs to be there still isn't. She still doesn't feel any shame for what she did, and I don't think she ever will.
If she had never cheated, or if she had been remorseful, I would probably be cautiously letting her in, little by little. But instead, I am continuing to keep her at arms' length. I know we need to have civil interactions for the sake of our daughter, but I have no interest in connecting with her emotionally now. Right now, the best scenario for me is one in which we move father apart, not closer together, since the person she has become is not someone I want to be close to.
What a shame. It's just all such a waste.