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Triggers, how can we deal...

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Wife711 posted 7/29/2013 10:48 AM

Dday was 3/23/2013. I suspected something for a long time but never had proof. The OW former friend told me about the start of my H emotional affair. Then, mutual friends of H and I began to send me emails saying they saw him with OW. I confronted him on DDay and he gave me partial truths and lies. Since, the whole truth has come out. Rday was 5/1/3013. We have a 1 year old son and through therapy we have realized a lot of wrong turns and problems in our marriage that contributed to the A. Now, I'm still dealing with anger and depression. Triggers happen all the time. I think about them together and replay over and over. Some days it kills me. My H is really good about listening to me and apologizing when triggers happen. I know he is sorry for his actions and putting me through this pain, but the last two triggers I had upset him. He didn't want to talk about it. He said he couldn't handle reliving it over and over, but he is the only person I have to talk to. I have chosen not to tell anyone close to us because I didn't want the judgement for him or me. When I trigger, I cry hysterically and need to talk and let it out. After I feel better for a long time, but I'm worried my triggers will push him away. We talked last night and be said that he would try to help me though them and give me what I need, but it hurts him seeing me like that. What can we do to get through those days when I have more questions and depressions and mental cheating us!

krazy8516 posted 7/29/2013 11:15 AM

Wife711, I spend all day like this. My husband isn't remorseful, and I know I hates when I cry or mope around. I also fear that it will push him away, although I don't think he has the desire to stay anyway. I just don't need to make it worse. I don't have any answers for you, but I can pass on the advice of others - it's going to take time (and probably a lot of it), before the triggers become less frequent. And they will probably never completely go away. One day, years down the road when you haven't even thought about it in a while, something will happen and BAM! You'll be right back there again. Just ask your husband to bear with you, and if he really cares and wants to help you through this, he will accept your "moments" and know that they are part of the healing process. ::hugs::

Sadwife222 posted 7/29/2013 11:20 AM

I'm new here so not an expert but too darn bad if it hurts him. He did this! Does he really think YOU are the only one who will suffer for his actions?

I'm sorry but he owes you whatever you need to get through this. He put himself first and had no regard for you when he made his selfish choices. Seeing your pain and feeling the consequences are what he should have thought of prior to this disgusting, self-centered, immature behavior.

Maybe a MC can help him see this?

Wife711 posted 7/29/2013 11:24 AM

Thanks y'all. We went to MC, but haven't been able to afford to keep going. We do need a mediator and this sites has helped me a lot in the past two days. I've encouraged him to look at it too.

TxsT posted 7/30/2013 14:46 PM

Wife ((((super big hugs))))

I am sorry you have had to find yourself in this mess reaching out to the rest of us. I can directly relate to your might as well have been me!!!

Dday 9/11/12
together:32 years
Married 25 years on 9/10/2013
2 boys: 23/21
BS me: 50
WH him: 53
R: ongoing from 9/17/2012

We started MC together, at my husbands request, 1 week after Dday. We too worked hard at discovering all of the problems that existed in our marriage before the A. I too had horrible pendulum swings and the triggers were relentless. I even had dreams about the two of them together with me standing in a corner watching. The depression became overwhelming, I eventually was diagnosed with 10 different PTSD symptoms, and I was spiraling into a deep black hole. My husband took this all in stride. He tried to help me through the worst of it, he was supportive, we talked endlessly, we struggled to find our feet....both of us. The hysterical crying you mentioned started at the drop of a hat. I stopped going out in public because complete strangers would come up to me and just hug me....I looked THAT bad!!!! At month 3 months I started Anti-D med's to help stabilize my emotions. They completely did the trick and for the first time in months I was at least not going backwards. But the triggers kept on coming, we had an incident where the OW showed up on our doorstep one weekend (extremely hard to do because we live in a different country then she does). After that I slowly started noticing that hubby wasn't so responsive to my questions, depression or crying. He told me it killed him to constantly see the hurt and pain he had caused and was putting me through. Every time we talked about things it brought him back the pain of knowing what he did. He was horribly ashamed and it was like he was sucked backwards every time we talked. I took this info to my IC session and through my discussion with our MC/IC figured out I was doing the lions share of counseling. Eventually I felt we were going backwards instead of forwards. I was falling back into the person I was before the A. I found myself holding back my comments just to keep the peace. Thankfully I was a changed person by this time for my IC helped me see who I had been and I no longer wanted to be that person. I went home from that session and announced that I had started to consider leaving. That even though I was working hard to grow and change he was not being as diligent. I told him I felt that we were slowly going back to where we had come from and that was a place I NEVER wanted to go again. I told him this was unacceptable to me, and instead of asking him to step it up I told him I was making plans to move away. I must have been very convincing because he panicked and immediately returned to IC. He worked his ass off to understand that yes, he is going to hurt but that this hurt is a good thing. It means her cares about what he has done.

The best thing we did from there was read a book together. It is called "After the Affair, healing the pain and rebuilding the trust when a partner has been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms. It is written for both the BS and the WS and it helps both of you understand what the other spouse is going through and went through during the A and after Dday. I read the book first and highlighted things that pertained to me and us. I made remarks and asked questions in the margins of the book for my hubby, who then read the book after me and responded and asked his own back. This was both a stress release and a god send because it allowed both of us to say ( or write) the hardest parts we wanted the other to understand without having to drag in the shame or pain up that we both felt. The book is exceptional, easy to read and helpful. I highly recommend it to you. It not only helped us bridge the gap of shame but it opened up avenues for us to have incredibly deep and meaningful discussions about so many of the horrible things we have both been through.

Now 10 months past Dday we have developed a whole new way of communicating because we both have learnt that, while much of what we went through hurt like hell, we have survived and started building a new, stronger life together.

I believe now that there is a point in time when even the BS has to be able to help their WS find a way out of the shame they feel. It is this extended hand that might just spring board you onto the next level.


Wife711 posted 7/30/2013 15:34 PM

I to have been put on anti depressants and anxiety meds. It has helped with the mood swings and pain, but triggers and flashes keep happening. I've had the same dreams too. Your story is so much like ours. Crazy.

1Faith posted 7/30/2013 15:56 PM

Four months is such a short time to even think about healing.

Your H needs look deep into himself and see what havoc he is causing and why he chose to cheat and lie.

Please believe that his A is NOT about you it is all about him. There is a flaw in his make up that causes him to lie and cheat.

He needs to heal himself and understand why he chose to have an A. As well as why he allowed himself to lie to you. This has to happen before there can be any healing in your marriage and for you personally.

My one suggestion is just to try to get all your financial stuff together. You need to protect yourself.

He needs to buckle up and get ready for your ride on the emotional roller coaster ride from hell. It is a long ride, a hard ride.

He can be upset with your triggers but he needs to realize he and his actions are the root cause of these triggers. It's now his job to stand by, reassure you and show you through his actions that he is worthy of the possible gift of reconciliation.

He didn't want to talk about it. He said he couldn't handle reliving it over and over

Tough. Not his choice if he wants you to stay. He needs to do WHATEVER it is that you need him to do WHATEVER. He invested how many hours, months and lies into an A but he can't produce the courage and energy to help you heal? Coward. That is something a coward says. He needs to focus on YOUR hurt and deal with his in IC. Especially right now.

I have chosen not to tell anyone close to us because I didn't want the judgment for him or me.

I understand this but please realize that this is NOT your secret to keep. If you need a family member or friend to help you, then reach out to them. You need whatever support system you need to get through this.

He may not be that person, especially now. He is the person who hurt you the most. The cause of your pain. One person described it like being raped and beaten and the only person that can help you up is the rapist. Do you stay down or extend your hand for them to help you up?

I hope you both are in IC. A's foster and grow through secrecy. Maybe knowing other people know will help rip the cloak of secrecy off and make him truly accountable for his actions.

You get through these days by being open and honest. Crying and feeling all you have to feel. Don't rush your healing because it is a process you have to go through. There is no magic wand or pill that is going to make it all better.

Time, commitment, honesty, therapy and reassurance. TIME

Good luck and stay strong. You matter.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:00 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Tearsoflove posted 7/30/2013 16:03 PM

"Not Just Friends" is the best book for helping you articulate what you need and helping a WS understand exactly what damage he/she caused and how to begin repairing the damage. I highly recommend it if you can't afford to keep going to marriage counseling.

kansas1968 posted 7/30/2013 16:09 PM

If you can get your husband on this site, it could really help a lot. The downside to that is, it is a good site to rant and rage and feel that it is private.

You do need to find at least one person that you can tell and talk to. I didn't want anyone to judge my husband either, but I had to talk to someome. So I did pick a few people who I trusted, and that made a huge difference.

I wish there were support groups available for this. None in my area and none that my counselor knows about. Talking to someone who has gone through this is invaluable.

The healing library on this site is helpful and also there are many books. You will not push your husband away with your pain if he is worth keeping.

I worried about that at first, but for over a year, I put my husband through holy hell and he refused to leave. I hurt him a lot also, but that is just the consequenses of an affair.

Keep posting here. You will get loads of support, advice, and shoulders to cry on. This is a tough, bumpy road, and almost more than any human should have to bear. Hugs.

Wife711 posted 7/30/2013 16:28 PM

Thank you all for the book suggestions. We looked them up and ordered them. H and I will read them together. We talked along time last night about my triggers and told him exactly what I needed from him when I have them. He seemed understanding and promised he would give me what I needed. He said he doesn't want to loose me or our family we built and would do anything to fix this. I pray he is and remorseful.

Broken6 posted 9/8/2013 14:56 PM

Sending hugs your way, because I can relate. I still have questions that I want him to answer, and he tells me that we need to put it in the past, and move forward. He keeps using my moms quote, "the past is the past, and if you don't intend to repeat it, then don't dwell on it". He says he is sorry, profoundly sorry. I just don't think is actions completely match his words. I think he needs to be more contrite. I don't know how much more, but more. I want there to be R, but it I am still am deeply conflicted about what happened. D-day 2, was only 5 weeks ago. Everything I have read on this site, says that is soon, and so I tell him when he asks how long we are going to keep talking about it - as long as it takes. I recently read the rugsweeping article. Feels like he has a huge broom. Hugs to you.

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