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Two years too late

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bobtail posted 7/29/2013 11:21 AM

I found out two years ago that my wife had been having an affair for three years. It was devastating and I logged into this site which really helped but unfortunately i cannot remember the login details. We decided to try and reconcile and rebuild. It has been much harder than I ever dreamed it would be, photographs, memories, places all act as triggers and we have sunk into it all being a taboo subject rather than fixing it. She had an affair with a work colleague and we agreed at the time it would be better to change her job, but she hasn't and that is another taboo subject now, she rightly says is a difficult climate to look for a new job but I have not seen a single bit of evidence that she has even tried. I try to be reasonable but my life is so less full than it used to be and I feel a fool for just giving her everything she wants and making it easier for her. She doesn't want anyone to know so its like living a lie all the time.

Anyway to get to the point, I made some enquiries about divorce at the citizen advice bureau and they told me I could not divorce her for adultery because it is more than six months ago since I found out !! She does not want a divorce so there is nowhere to go, I could leave the house and home I took thirty years to build and pay for, but that would apparently help her case to stay there. Help ! someone must have been in this situation it seems I am being penalised for trying to make it work !
I live in the UK so maight be different elsewhere ?

[This message edited by bobtail at 11:29 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 7/29/2013 12:36 PM

In some states in the USA if you have sex with your spouse after you find out about the infidelity it is presumed you've forgiven him/her, so you then cannot cite adultery should you file for divorce at a later date. Only a few states here allow you to file for adultery, anyway.

But in all the states here you don't have to have a reason to file for divorce. You simply file for "irreconcilable differences" and that's that. Your spouse cannot prevent you from divorcing him or her.

Do you need to cite adultery if you file for divorce? Do you need to prove "fault"?

Ashland13 posted 7/29/2013 19:21 PM

Sometimes, it's just too much.

"Personality differences" is another phrase I've heard of in filing.

In some places, too, if you have sex after or during an out-of-house separation, you are considered starting over-either way-d or r- and previous separations null and void.

Crushed1 posted 7/29/2013 22:58 PM

Hi bobtail, welcome to SI. Sorry, I know nothing about UK laws but we have a lot of members who are from there who may be of help to you. Maybe make another post and put something with "UK" in the title, which may draw some attention.

I'm sorry you're in such a dreadful situation and hope you will find some answers to what you are seeking.

stronger08 posted 7/30/2013 01:57 AM

Bobtail, if your not happy in the M you should get out. Sounds like she has not lived up to the promises made in order to R. Adultery is not the only grounds for D. I understand that you have busted your ass for decades making a life and home. But from where I sit I'd rather toss all of that for a shot at real happiness. Staying in a M that makes you miserable is not worth any of that. Lets face it, you gave it your best shot. You tried to give her another chance and she failed you yet again. I see no shame in wanting out. As for her not wanting to D. She should have thought of that before she slept with another dude. She should have thought of that before she reneged on her promises made in order to R. Quite frankly what she feels or thinks should not matter at this point. You owe her nothing my friend. And if you have to take a hit financially so be it. You can always make money and start a new life. It might set your plans back a few years. But its money well spent IMHO. Better to be broke and happy then to be comfortable and miserable.

noescape posted 7/30/2013 03:12 AM

I'd rather toss all of that for a shot at real happiness
She should have thought of that before she reneged on her promises made in order to R

i'd say happiness is overrated anyway. more than happiness how about some calm, how about being with someone who is safe for you and for the M? someone who doesnt bring hope a STD or a probable bunny boiler, or worse into your lives/home. at least someone who knows and respects commitment or just plain humanness or sincerity. every reneging of promises since dday, every step in adultery are just notches in how little she thinks of you as a human, let alone probably the most important person in her life. its not happiness I'd recommend you seek; it would be self-respect, calmness, some dignity maybe. her continued remorselessness could break you mentally, could cause you untold continued misery and with no safety in her being M'd to you, I'd say opens the door wide for worse yet to come (hopefully not).

Better to be broke and happy then to be comfortable and miserable.

i'd rephrase that as better be broke than broken.

Heavy Sigh posted 7/30/2013 07:30 AM

I don't think he's asking for permission to divorce.

I think Bobtail needs advice on how to divorce without losing his house/assets to his wife and to her (perhaps) future lover. These are assets he's invested in and paid for that are important for his stability and retirement.

Housing in the UK is among the most expensive in the world, and losing his home to her (rewarding her, in his view, no doubt) or losing half of the 30 years of equity in it to her if a divorce would force a sale or buyout, may not provide him the funds to find new housing with money left over to provide a comfortable life in retirement years, and to be able to feel like a good dad capable of helping a son or daughter pay for a wedding, help a son/daughter with a car purchase or home down payment, or give grandchildren gifts and treats or have a home large enough for room for the grandkids to visit, play and enjoy holidays with him.

Yes, being broke IS worse than being broken when it's close to retirement age (assuming abuse is not involved, which is an exception). You're still broken from losing one's marriage as it was, the memories and trust, but with a world of financial trouble and insecurity falling on top of your already broken self.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 7:36 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

skatey0 posted 7/30/2013 12:04 PM

Bobtail, sorry you are here. I am here too and from the uk.

They are right you can't divorce on the grounds of adultery now but you could go for unreasonable behaviour and it could be included in there. I am not 100% sure how much evidence you need to give but it will need to be water tight if she is going to contest. You need legal advice, you can usually get an initial consultation for free and go from there. They will tell you what to do.

Best of luck

bobtail posted 7/30/2013 21:01 PM

Thanks for the replies and advise. I think i need to consult someone in the legal profession but it looks like I will have to prove "unreasonable behaviour" - I am not sure how having an affair for three years can ever be reasonable behaviour anyway but i would have preferred less combative end to our marriage. The UK valid reasons are:

---> from uk gov website

Your husband or wife had sex with someone else of the opposite sex, and you can no longer bear to live with them.
You canít give adultery as a reason if you lived with your husband or wife for 6 months after you found out about it.

Unreasonable behaviour

Your husband or wife behaved so badly that you can no longer bear to live with them. This could include:

Physical violence,verbal abuse, eg insults or threats drunkenness or drug-taking refusing to pay for ousekeeping (but not adultery it seems)


Your husband or wife has left you without your agreement, without a good reason, to end your relationship for more than 2 years in the past 2Ĺ years

You can still claim desertion if you have lived together for up to a total of 6 months in this period.

You can get a divorce if youíve lived apart for more than 2 years and both agree to the divorce but your husband or wife must agree in writing.

Living apart for more than 5 years is usually enough to get a divorce, even if your husband or wife disagrees with the divorce.


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