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ceilingwalker (original poster member #39948) posted at 5:43 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
I would like to know if anyone here has tried to patch things up and have it work long-term? I asked my wife the other day, "do you think you will do this ever again"? Her reply: "If you don't give me all the attention I need, I might. When we were married you made a vow to give me all the attention I need, so when you don't, I have the right to find someone else that will". Am I the only one that thinks this is absolute lunacy?
My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL
heartache101 ( member #26465) posted at 5:49 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
WOW really!!! Selfish people have affairs... Sounds very selfish to me.
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
wanttogoforward ( member #29912) posted at 5:50 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
I agree she is nuts! She is minimizing the damage she did and letting you know who she is... she is also setting things up for another excuse down the line in case she decides to cheat again... then she can try to blame it all on you for not meeting all her needs....
She needs some serious counseling and needs to explore her issues - that is if you are willing to stick around to help her... not sure I could if she is already telling me these things and has yet to do all the hard work to help you heal.
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 6:02 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
Your wife is an unremorseful serial cheater.
How dare she tell you if you don't shower her with attention 24/7 she will betray you again.
Why are you still with her? What are you getting out of this marriage?
Oh..and Im pretty sure "give your wife a ton of attention or she will turn into a whore" was NOT in those wedding vows...
....however...
There IS such a thing as vowing to be faithful in those vows..you should remind her about that and see what she has to say.
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
stronger08 ( member #16953) posted at 6:17 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
Bro, head for the hills. This woman has already bitten the forbidden fruit and likes it. Her attitude is in no way conducive to remorse let alone reconciliation. If you stay with this woman and her attitude does not change I will bet my left nut she will cheat on you again. Don't be a fool my friend.
You cant eat soup with chopsticks.
toomanyregrets ( member #37740) posted at 6:19 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
When you married I assume that she said she'd be faithful.
Is She ?
BH - 66 - Retired
fWW - 62
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 6:20 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
I have to agree with the majority here.
Your WW is not remorseful. She is blaming you for her choice of having an affair. (You made her because you didn't pay attention to her! 
)
Yes, it is lunacy, ceilingwalker. Don't get sucked into it.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Crushed1 ( member #6449) posted at 6:27 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
Yes, her thinking is absolutely lunacy! 
Did your vows say something along the line of "I promise to be faithful to my spouse and forsake ALL others"? If so, ask her about that vow and where it said she could 'cheat if she wanted to', because that's all she is implying. It's called "self-entitlement" and it's the battle cry of every selfish, thoughtless person who betrays their spouse.
As long as she thinks like this, you will never be able to reconcile or make your relationship work in the long run.
My H was also a 'self-entitled' thinker and had the freaking audacity to tell me he was entitled to commit adultery because he worked!!!! 
Uh, yeah WTF, most people do! 
I just stared at him in disbelief and said "well I was working TWO jobs and I never knew I was entitled to anything more than a paycheck for my services". He STFU and never said that again!
~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH
cryingdaily ( member #7276) posted at 6:33 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
I'm sorry. She is telling you she WILL cheat again.
The attention is an excuse. Please see her statement for what it is. It is a declaration of her intentions to have an A whenever she pleases.
(((ceilingwalker)))
Kalliopeia ( member #35053) posted at 6:35 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
I would ditch her in a heartbeat.
gonnabe2016 ( member #34823) posted at 6:37 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
ButterflyGirl ( member #38377) posted at 6:43 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
REALLY? My vows said something like FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.
NOT, um, until I feel like YOU aren't focusing all your attention on ME and fulfilling all MY needs.
She needs to own her shit and her terrible coping mechanisms. If she wants out, she should just say so. She's saying she will just lie and manipulate you again???
Dude, run. You CANNOT reconcile with that. Perhaps she will pull her head out of her ass after you put your foot down; but for now, stand tall and proud and kick that unremorseful narc to the curb..
imagoodwitch ( member #23375) posted at 6:44 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
When we were married you made a vow to give me all the attention I need, so when you don't, I have the right to find someone else that will
What kind of vow is that?
Where was that written?
Run. Run far and run fast away from her.
Ordinary average everyday sane psycho super goddess
StrongerOne ( member #36915) posted at 7:19 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
Wait, what????
Your WW is a sad example of how our educational system has failed. Because clearly she has never learned how to think.
To answer your first question, my DDay was 2-1/2 years ago. MCOW got a job elsewhere a bit over a year ago and we have not heard a peep from her since. If that counts as long term, then yes, you can patch it up and have it work. I don't think you can have it be the same, though. I doubt I will ever trust him the way I did before. I love him, but I've lost some respect for him, and I have a pretty hard nosed understanding of his weaknesses. I no longer expect the best -- which is pretty sad, especially for him.
[This message edited by StrongerOne at 1:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
krazy8516 ( member #40076) posted at 7:31 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
My husband is a similar lunatic - he said "we just don't have enough in common to work." No, we don't always like the same things, but that has never prevented us from doing other things together. I also feel like this is a very selfish thing to say. I told him that I will go to any movie, or concert or sporting event with him, even if I don't really want to, just to be with him. I know that I will have a good time simply because we're together.
I agree with the other posters - I've never heard of the "I promise to give you all the attention you need" vow. As someone facing the very real possibility of divorce (an end which I do not want), I feel like I should be the last person to tell you to walk away. But when our WS's start making stupid excuses for their affairs, it might be time to rethink your relationship's path.
me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
RedRaven ( new member #39993) posted at 7:39 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
Sounds like my H. "If you don't give me reason to...." 
ceilingwalker (original poster member #39948) posted at 8:27 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
Krazy8516, my wife told me the exact thing, "we don't have anything in common and I don't feel connected with you like I did with him". WTF! That's why I continually ask her "why didn't you tell me this a couple of years ago? Why didn't you tell me this before we went to the altar???
My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL
KeepCalm_CarryOn ( member #33374) posted at 8:32 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
Um, what? 
Every time I have asked FWH if he thinks he would ever do this again I get a resounding, loud NO! And then he looks pitiful for a few minutes and reminds me of all the work he has done and how he would never every want to put me through this again. That is the only acceptable answer!
She's telling you who she is...and that person is crazy.
You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
Want2help ( member #20547) posted at 8:34 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
That is HORRIBLE. Not crazy, not nuts, extremely selfish and unremorseful.
FBS/WS- me.
F(serial)WS/BS- him.
Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point. His OC, my OC...
UPDATE: Divorcing after almost 20 years.
mysticpenguin ( member #38839) posted at 8:40 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013
Okay so since she didn't fulfill the vow she made to you to be faithful, you are entitled to do the very same thing to her, right?
(NOTE I am NOT condoning infidelity; if you're done with the M get out before even thinking about a potential future partner. BUT... saying something like that to her could be a wake-up call. Ironically, cheaters don't seem to like the idea of being cheated on. )
Are you implementing the 180? I think you should be. It doesn't sound like there's anything left to save here, other than your dignity, self-respect, and financial prospects. I'm sorry. :(
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