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Newest Member: thepainfull86 (61156)

User Topic: Advice I Got
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my 85 year old grammie about my H's A's, the last time I saw her before her death a couple weeks ago. She sat there in silence and shock. She was thinking intently. I was tending to the boys and came back to her (she was bedridden). She thought some more, then came out of no where, "Try to look past it" she said. That was her advice to me. She was widowed in her early 20's as a single mom of 3. Something tells me she's been there...

The day we buried her, I thought I would finally let it go. Let his A's go. Let the pain go. Let the fact that I cannot control him no matter how many questions I ask and/or monitor him. Let it go. Don't get me wrong, I can still be sad, but letting it go was a biggie for me. Just wanted to share.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:55 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 29912
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure I can agree with your grandmother.... she was widowed and had to raise 3 children on her own... but those were different times and 60 years ago... we ladies have options today, and even tho the vows say till death do us part obviously our spouses didn't take those words seriously... she is giving you advice based on her own life experiences which were very different..... I can see why women HAD to look past the cheating in the 1950's because divorced women were pretty much shunned and the jobs available for women then were slim to none to support a family... so while I understand her advice, and I'm sure you love her to bits, please take all advice with a grain of salt based on the person's own history and experience....
If you choose to look past it know that it will require a ton of hard work on both your parts... and if you can rebuild a good life together then it will be worth it, if he isn't willing to help you heal then life might be more peaceful without him.

Posts: 1308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am sorry about yoru grandmother's passing.

gosh....i wish everyday i could do what she advised....

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she loved you very much and wanted your pain to end.

This is not the kind of thing you can just "look past." Your WH had 8(?) OW during the last few years. This is an enormous betrayal. Looking past it,IMO,sounds like rugsweeping..put your head in the sand and pretend it never happened. Which will kill you. The pain will eat you alive. Or it will set you up for more pain in the future when you discover yet another OW.

Im very sorry about her passing.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 37575
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a bittersweet moment with your grandmother, she sounds like an amazing woman. I am sorry for your lose and hope you find comfort in your memories. It's wonderful that you were close to her to be able to share that with her.
Her words are very insightful and I wonder if they will have different meanings for you throughout this process, just a thought. To me it sounded like, "don't let this define you as a person, keep moving forward". There may be times when you need to look past it in order to go forward. Anyway, it's for YOU to interpret and it's great that she left you with her advice!
I wish you strength in this journey!
Take care

Me: BW Him: FWH in our 50's
DDay June 1st 2012
cheated with prostitutes overseas

Posts: 700 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My MIL told me 5 years ago after WS's EA that her dad cheated on her mom and then came home and she never said a word about it and he spent the rest of his life making it up to her. I got a TON of bad advice from her and look what it all got me. :/.

I knew WS's parents were divorced and remarried quickly but only recently found out she actually was the OW - yes I was taking advice from an OW!!! Ugh!!! Sounds like a crappy soap opera now that I think about it.

Me (BS): 36
Him aka narcissistic psychopath (WS): 36
Married 17 years 6 kids ages 16-7
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

Filed for divorce 5/8/15

Posts: 326 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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