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He has done everything pretty well except this. I'm fed up - I have snapped at him (oh I'm SO sorry you are hurting), yelled at him, tried to be understanding, etc. but he breaks down when I'm hurting and says it.

I DON'T get it at all. When I think about the people I hurt by abusing pills I don't feel one ounce of hurt for myself. If one of my kids said to me "mom, your drug abuse hurt me". I wouldn't dare say "well, I'm hurting too you know". I feel sad, ashamed, guilty but I was a selfish idiot I know. Maybe that doesn't compare to the level of infidelity but its all I can use to try and figure out where the hell he is coming from.

I feel like R is right there in our grasp (NC, transparency, communication) but this one thing bothers me so much! I'm not sure what the answer is - IC? MC? Right now I have an IC appt but we are still with the free counselor and I'm just not sure if its the right fit for us.

Tell him to pull up his big boy pants and deal with it. HE caused this..he is hurting because of HIS actions.

What is he doing to show you he wants to R?

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:23 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Well besides the NC, transparency and such he apologizes constantly, answers any and all questions, lets me vent and just holds me, cries with me. He has been working on himself with books and the few counseling sessions we went to together but there is still so much work to be done I know. It feels as if we are on the right track but its like 1 step forward 2 back all the time.

He learned growing up to suppress the pain and when things go bad the easiest thing to do is walk away.

Sorry, I'm trying to type with 2 screaming kids next to me so I hope I'm making sense lol

From your date you are pretty fresh off d-day. If that is accurate I don't blame you one bit for not understanding.

For me, the R thing didn't feel real until I started empathizing with my W and seeing that nothing was in fact done to me, but instead she did it to herself. I still can run my game (of life) and I don't carry the crap she needs to and I don't need to fix some part of me that allows me to betray others. I am actually pretty swell. I wouldn't trade places with her for a million bucks...

take care...

It sounds like he's doing everything he can right now.

Have you asked him to tell you exactly what is hurting him? Maybe if the two of you talk about it,it would help.

My WH did this a lot too early on in reconciliation. I put up with it for a while. But then finally when I was in the middle of a major trigger meltdown I lost it. I yelled at him to put on his big boy pants ( my exact words ) and suck it up. After I calmed down I explained to him that even though I do care about his pain, when I'm in the middle of a trigger I'm focused on me, and he needs to focus on me as well.

He learned growing up to suppress the pain and when things go bad the easiest thing to do is walk away.

It could be he's just bad at communication wrt this and he's trying to be all full disclosure but fucking it up and unintentionally pushing your buttons.

I mean he could be a childish dick too but, hope for the best and suchlike.

My WS says this too (or he'll look sad), and I think it's because he hurts when I'm hurting. Hurting me hurt him. Even knowing the reason though, it's hard to understand and respond to. I end up feeling guilty for making him feel badly, when I want to focus on me and I want him to focus on me.

No real advice, just saying I understand how you feel.

I would have more empathy for his statement if he explained it. And if he didn't use it in a format that comes off as defensive. He may be hurting as well, but here is the big kicker....

He had a choices. He had options.

He offered none of those to you before bringing your lives down around your ears. he chose this for the both of you.

If he wants to talk about his pain and would like you to have empathy, then he needs to stop redirecting you to his pain when you are hurting. It is called perspective and humility.

It isn't easy. And in some ways you have to have some patience. IMO, the wayward mindset of selfishness is built up over time and it doesn't evaporate overnight.

That doesn't mean you don't call him on it. Empathy is a good thing. But in this situation, I think he is still behaving in a manner that demonstrates entitled selfish thinking.

This sounds like a lot like what happens between me and my WH. I just posted something about it in General a few hours too. For a week or two, he is great. Let's me rant and question. Let's me cry. Tries to be honest. But then one day, he goes with the 'I've had enough of you treating me like shit thing. You just like rubbing how much you are hurting in my face. Don't you think I already feel like shit? I'M HURTING TOO YA KNOW!!'

It irks me so bad. I think it is because he is trying to minimize my pain. Whether that is because he doesn't understand how much pain I am in...or he has a 'mini breakdown' from all the guilt. Either way, it just makes me feel like I am all alone and dealing with an asshole again who doesn't care about anything but himself.

I know that R is about the marriage. Open transparency for both parties. Feelings should be shared and discussed. But I feel like when I am having a really bad day and telling him about it, and it is his 'break down day' that he just smacks us right back to step one.

Maybe once he sheds a few more layers of his...bubble? that he placed himself in inorder to do all of this, he may not say these things. Or at least express them so that it doesn't sound like he is trying to make me console him for the pain that he unnecessarily caused on himself and me. I don't mind you telling me that you feel extra bad today and have a hard time thinking about what happened and you are hurting. But why must you only whip it out when I am hurting?

I what him to just realize how deeply this has hurt me...but I'm beginning to think that he never will. Nobody can unless they are the betrayed. I've never liked cheaters, but I never knew exactly what emotions and how much the betrayed person feels them...until I became one myself.

My husband said this a few times at the start also and it always made my anger and rage worse. Like yourself i explained i didnt want to hear it when i was angry.

When i'm calm, i don't mind him talking about his feelings. Part of his problem was avoiding conflict and not expressing his needs so i feel it is important for us to work together and for us both to be able to express and discuss our feelings. He is so wary now of sounding like he feels sorry for himself. He is working on the whys and he does try hard to be there for me, to be strong and support me but i know he has moments when he is overcome with the reality of what he has done and what he risks losing. We cry together but i know he cries when he is alone. It's not that i feel sorry for him as he deserves to feel the pain he caused, but i do have a better insight into his emotions than i did before.

It's all such a mess and the rollercoaster of feelings is so difficult. I'm just glad the angry days have subsided for the moment x