Have you told him yet? I was cautioned against confronting too soon, but I did it anyway. So far, it hasn't gotten me anywhere good.
I feel your pain, believe me. I think infidelity hits extra hard when you didn't see it coming. Seemingly happy marriage, great sex life, lots of intimacy. It just doesn't make sense.
Keep posting, there are plenty of people here to help you get through this. I wish I wasn't one of them, but it is what it is. I like having a place I can vent, and receive advice rather than judgment.
[This message edited by krazy8516 at 1:18 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
I'm so sorry you were right. In time you will probably find out it was even worse than you think it is at the moment.
People who have A's are broken people. They are faking that they have it all together...the secret A's are the telltale sign that they are not OK and they have some deep rooted issues.
His issues aren't your fault or even your problem. What your job is is to take care of yourself, your needs. Have you read the Healing Library? It is packed full of good stuff that will help you navigate through the hell A's throw us in. The Library is found at the upper left hand corner of your screen.
Keep posting, keep reading. You will gain clarity and keep your sanity with a little help from SI.
We know the pain you are in. We have all felt it. We are here to listen and talk. You are not alone. You will get through it...YOU WILL.
What do you do with it? You do with it whatever suits YOU and is the best answer for YOU.
No sudden life decisions have to be made today or tomorrow.
It's your journey, and you decide the pace.
Wishing you stength.
Listen. You do not have to do One Damned Thing right now. You don't have to make One Damned Decision right now. You don't have to commit, promise, or anything else that puts pressure on you right now. You're only obligation right now is to be as loving to yourself as possible. Eat. Stay hydrated. Sleep when you can. Be good to yourself. Detatch a little bit and start thinking about what YOU want and need from him to even consider staying. Be selfish I assure you that he sure has been. Demand complete transparency of his computer, phone, or any other electronic device (including Facebook and any other social media). Take them and go thru them save the info you find and send it to a secure location. And please, set up a counseling session for you. He should go to one as well, but frankly, you need it more right now.
Please keep coming back for support. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Welcome, even though I am sorry any of us have had to find our way here!!!
Skan had excellent advise. Did your WH recommend that HE seek counselling for his problems? I ask this because these are his problems, not yours. MC with both of you is great too to start reconnecting (if that is what YOU want)but I also recommend individual counselling for yourself so that you can start to heal. Having an independent third party has been so helpful for my WH and I. It was my WH idea that we start counselling immediately, actually requested it as soon as I confronted him. I had suspected something for about 2 years but was always afraid of confronting him. Sadly, he had hoped I would find out so he could end it. Amazing how we all say nothing until the evidence is so overwhelming we can't deny it anymore. In my case I found 100's of emails and texts on our brand new Ipad when hubby synced his cell phone to it.
I conquer that you take time for yourself to ingest all of the initial shock. Don't promise anything you aren't comfortable with.
We are all here for you and we understand your pain, confusion, furry, sadness, and everything else in between!
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I'm sorry you have joined us, but you will find help and support here.
Take extra special care of yourself during this extremely difficult time. I hope you consider IC.
Most therapists will tell you not to make any BIG decisions for at least 6 months after DDay.
Your brain can't process such massive upheaval right away.
IC can help you work through your feelings. Get away from the raw emotion and focus on what YOU need to heal.
Try to tell your WH exactly what you need to move forward, I suggest MC, and then see if he can deliver.
Maybe write it. Writing helped me more than I can say. I was able to gather my thoughts, reread them, consider them and rethink them.
Other than that...PLEASE take care of you.
Let HIM fix HIM. He should be in IC, too to figure out what allowed him to cheat in the first place. He needs to do deep dive to address his behaviors. DO NOT SWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG.
Use this board like a shield, like a safety harness, like a warm blanket. The people here will always have your back.
We've been exactly where you are and we've come out the other side stronger.
Hang on and know that you matter.
Hugs and prayers
So . . . in addition to the wonderful advice you've already been given, I want to gently warn you that your WH might attempt to rewrite history while/if he's in the fog. For me, the first 6 months after my husband's A were the most painful because of the shock (22 years for us) and because of the rewriting. You say you two had great sex; he might say it was lacking. Even though that may hurt, realize that very few things he says while foggy--especially negative things--are really true. They're revisionist history; they're rationalizations and justifications and minimizations and compartmentalizations. What you honestly thought--before finding out about the affair--is what's probably true. Great sex life? If you thought so, probably. Poor communication skills sometimes? If you thought so, probably true. Anything coming from his brain so close to the As? Probably all messed up.
Also, if you want to love your husband, love your husband. Some situations demand a 180; some don't. If yours doesn't, don't worry about showing love. If you love him, there's no need to keep that a secret. By all means, don't grovel. And DO put yourself first. That's a given. It's a fine line, but it's there and it's visible. You see it with your heart.
I'm deeply sorry you belong to our club. Considering you've been forced to join, you couldn't be any better place.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 4:33 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
If you're not getting what you need, consider a separation. Maybe it will wake him up. Maybe it will give you space to breathe and you'll find oxygen refreshes your self-esteem. Never threaten divorce or separation if you're not ready to go through with it, but please don't fear it. Make a list of what you need from him to feel safe in your marriage again and then demand that he provide those things. If he refuses, have an honest discussion with yourself as to whether you can continue to live this way or if you would be better off without him. If without him wins, it's time to ask for a separation.
I'm so sorry. We all know this hurts like hell. And even if he does give you everything you need and becomes totally remorseful, it's going to hurt like hell for a good long time. Take care of yourself.
I don't know what I am feeling from one day to the next I just keep holding on to the idea that I don't have to decide anything. One day at a time and the answers that are right for me will come.
So, what I am trying to say, is that whatever you are feeling; it's normal. You may feel as though you are going crazy from all the emotional ups and downs but what is right for you, will become clear in time.
I'm sorry this happened to you. No one deserves this kind of pain.
Well..maybe my WH's affair partner does . Fingers crossed.