Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

25 years in and it was all a lie?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

FooledinPhilly posted 7/29/2013 13:05 PM

I found the pictures in the phone. All the times that I questioned have been confirmed. Not just once or twice with one person but six. He had six affairs. He's the guy that everyone loves. He's the nice guy, the funny guy. He was my hero. And all the while we had great sex life. What do I do with this? I want to disappear.

krazy8516 posted 7/29/2013 13:18 PM

Fooled, you are SO not alone! Being right sucks sometimes, but now that you know you have already started to move forward.

Have you told him yet? I was cautioned against confronting too soon, but I did it anyway. So far, it hasn't gotten me anywhere good.

I feel your pain, believe me. I think infidelity hits extra hard when you didn't see it coming. Seemingly happy marriage, great sex life, lots of intimacy. It just doesn't make sense.

Keep posting, there are plenty of people here to help you get through this. I wish I wasn't one of them, but it is what it is. I like having a place I can vent, and receive advice rather than judgment.


[This message edited by krazy8516 at 1:18 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

HurtButHopeful? posted 7/29/2013 13:32 PM

(((((FooledinPhilly (cyberhugs)

I'm so sorry you were right. In time you will probably find out it was even worse than you think it is at the moment.

People who have A's are broken people. They are faking that they have it all together...the secret A's are the telltale sign that they are not OK and they have some deep rooted issues.

His issues aren't your fault or even your problem. What your job is is to take care of yourself, your needs. Have you read the Healing Library? It is packed full of good stuff that will help you navigate through the hell A's throw us in. The Library is found at the upper left hand corner of your screen.

Keep posting, keep reading. You will gain clarity and keep your sanity with a little help from SI.

We know the pain you are in. We have all felt it. We are here to listen and talk. You are not alone. You will get through it...YOU WILL.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/29/2013 13:43 PM

Awww Fooled, I feel your pain.

What do you do with it? You do with it whatever suits YOU and is the best answer for YOU.

No sudden life decisions have to be made today or tomorrow.

It's your journey, and you decide the pace.

Wishing you stength.

FooledinPhilly posted 7/29/2013 14:27 PM

I did let him know immediately. He's sorry, doesnt know why, says he has a problem, he will get help..Wants us to find a way back to each other...I dont know if I can do this. It would be so much easier if I didn't love him.

Skan posted 7/29/2013 16:59 PM

Ah darling, it would be so much easier if NONE of us loved them! It would make our decisions really cut and dry.

Listen. You do not have to do One Damned Thing right now. You don't have to make One Damned Decision right now. You don't have to commit, promise, or anything else that puts pressure on you right now. You're only obligation right now is to be as loving to yourself as possible. Eat. Stay hydrated. Sleep when you can. Be good to yourself. Detatch a little bit and start thinking about what YOU want and need from him to even consider staying. Be selfish I assure you that he sure has been. Demand complete transparency of his computer, phone, or any other electronic device (including Facebook and any other social media). Take them and go thru them save the info you find and send it to a secure location. And please, set up a counseling session for you. He should go to one as well, but frankly, you need it more right now.

Please keep coming back for support. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

FooledinPhilly posted 7/29/2013 18:21 PM

He wants to hold my hand? I don't want to touch him.....and yet I do...I want to be mad. I feel like my body is betraying me...I don't know what I'm doing.

TxsT posted 7/29/2013 18:25 PM

(((( FOOL ))))

Welcome, even though I am sorry any of us have had to find our way here!!!

Skan had excellent advise. Did your WH recommend that HE seek counselling for his problems? I ask this because these are his problems, not yours. MC with both of you is great too to start reconnecting (if that is what YOU want)but I also recommend individual counselling for yourself so that you can start to heal. Having an independent third party has been so helpful for my WH and I. It was my WH idea that we start counselling immediately, actually requested it as soon as I confronted him. I had suspected something for about 2 years but was always afraid of confronting him. Sadly, he had hoped I would find out so he could end it. Amazing how we all say nothing until the evidence is so overwhelming we can't deny it anymore. In my case I found 100's of emails and texts on our brand new Ipad when hubby synced his cell phone to it.

I conquer that you take time for yourself to ingest all of the initial shock. Don't promise anything you aren't comfortable with.

We are all here for you and we understand your pain, confusion, furry, sadness, and everything else in between!


Take2 posted 7/29/2013 18:26 PM

Fooled read in the healing library (upper left) about hysterical bonding - this is what you are feeling the pull of. It is probably better to wait however and be tested for STD's...

I'm sorry you have joined us, but you will find help and support here.

TxsT posted 7/29/2013 18:28 PM

Fool....what you are doing is reacting to the complete and total shock of the one person in your life hurting you when they are supposed to be your everything through everything. I experienced so many of the same feelings. I even felt the other woman's presence in our very own bed each night when we went to sleep. Take you time and listen to your heart. Even thought it is confused it will eventually tell you what you need to hear.....the truth.

FooledinPhilly posted 8/23/2013 10:31 AM

So, here I am almost a month later..We are still together. We are making attempts to "find each other" again and "communicate better" but, I dont feel remorse or fear from him. I feel like I'm doing most of the work and I don't understand why. How do I get him to recognize what he's done to me? Does everybody separate after finding out? Should I tell him to leave? I put on a brave face in front of him but find myself crying every time I'm alone..I still feel so alone.

1Faith posted 8/23/2013 10:45 AM

The first few months after DDay are brutal. Anyone here can attest to that.

Take extra special care of yourself during this extremely difficult time. I hope you consider IC.

Most therapists will tell you not to make any BIG decisions for at least 6 months after DDay.

Your brain can't process such massive upheaval right away.

IC can help you work through your feelings. Get away from the raw emotion and focus on what YOU need to heal.

Try to tell your WH exactly what you need to move forward, I suggest MC, and then see if he can deliver.

Maybe write it. Writing helped me more than I can say. I was able to gather my thoughts, reread them, consider them and rethink them.

Other than that...PLEASE take care of you.

Let HIM fix HIM. He should be in IC, too to figure out what allowed him to cheat in the first place. He needs to do deep dive to address his behaviors. DO NOT SWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG.

Use this board like a shield, like a safety harness, like a warm blanket. The people here will always have your back.

We've been exactly where you are and we've come out the other side stronger.

Hang on and know that you matter.

Hugs and prayers

Missymomma posted 8/23/2013 14:19 PM

Fooled, you take care of yourself. Implement the 180 and set IC as a ground rule for reconciliation. Because he has had multiple affairs, he needs a very good therapist to look at why he is broken. It doesn't sound like he is doing anything required for reconciliation. I would suggest you getting several names of ICs that will hold his feet to the fire, some ICs that treat sex addiction treatment also treat serial cheaters. If you want info on how to find ICs that treat sex addiction, just pm me.

RippedSoul posted 8/23/2013 16:31 PM

True sex addicts are a special breed of husbands. They can have a perfectly happy marriage--one they love--and still have affairs and other illicit sexual encounters. It's not that he doesn't love you; it's that he's seeking comfort for whatever his particular hurts are. Babies suck their thumbs or their pacifiers and cling to their lovies or blankies--even when they have doting parents. It really IS his issue. Problem is that he's made it yours. :(

So . . . in addition to the wonderful advice you've already been given, I want to gently warn you that your WH might attempt to rewrite history while/if he's in the fog. For me, the first 6 months after my husband's A were the most painful because of the shock (22 years for us) and because of the rewriting. You say you two had great sex; he might say it was lacking. Even though that may hurt, realize that very few things he says while foggy--especially negative things--are really true. They're revisionist history; they're rationalizations and justifications and minimizations and compartmentalizations. What you honestly thought--before finding out about the affair--is what's probably true. Great sex life? If you thought so, probably. Poor communication skills sometimes? If you thought so, probably true. Anything coming from his brain so close to the As? Probably all messed up.

Also, if you want to love your husband, love your husband. Some situations demand a 180; some don't. If yours doesn't, don't worry about showing love. If you love him, there's no need to keep that a secret. By all means, don't grovel. And DO put yourself first. That's a given. It's a fine line, but it's there and it's visible. You see it with your heart.

I'm deeply sorry you belong to our club. Considering you've been forced to join, you couldn't be any better place.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 4:33 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

PeaceLove187 posted 8/23/2013 16:44 PM

Fooled, you asked if everybody separates and no, not everybody does, but a huge percentage of us have had to demand a separation or divorce before the WS begins feeling enough fear of loss to overcome their fear of facing their demons. It sounds as if your H isn't in IC--true? He needs to be there. Of course he doesn't want to go because the therapist is going to ask for the truth and your H's truth is shameful to him. It's a hell of a lot easier for him to pacify you and hope it all blows over, but that's only a temporary fix. If he doesn't fix whatever's wrong inside him, this is going to happen again.

If you're not getting what you need, consider a separation. Maybe it will wake him up. Maybe it will give you space to breathe and you'll find oxygen refreshes your self-esteem. Never threaten divorce or separation if you're not ready to go through with it, but please don't fear it. Make a list of what you need from him to feel safe in your marriage again and then demand that he provide those things. If he refuses, have an honest discussion with yourself as to whether you can continue to live this way or if you would be better off without him. If without him wins, it's time to ask for a separation.

I'm so sorry. We all know this hurts like hell. And even if he does give you everything you need and becomes totally remorseful, it's going to hurt like hell for a good long time. Take care of yourself.

Girlietoo posted 8/23/2013 16:53 PM

I am 4.5 months out and only this week I am starting to feel anger. For the first few months I clung to my WH like he was the air I needed to breathe, without him I would die.

I don't know what I am feeling from one day to the next I just keep holding on to the idea that I don't have to decide anything. One day at a time and the answers that are right for me will come.

So, what I am trying to say, is that whatever you are feeling; it's normal. You may feel as though you are going crazy from all the emotional ups and downs but what is right for you, will become clear in time.

I'm sorry this happened to you. No one deserves this kind of pain.

Well..maybe my WH's affair partner does . Fingers crossed.

lostNunloved posted 8/23/2013 22:46 PM

25 years here too ..

emotionalgirl posted 8/24/2013 01:44 AM

Fooled...we are all different and our situations are all individual. I also have a 25 yr relationship that I do not want to just walk away from. I am only a couple of weeks past D day of a few month long EA with what initially was a WH who had no remorse and refused NC. I found my anger fast and also went 180 for me. I moved into our spare room for my sanity I was too angry to sleep next to someone so sure he was doing nothing wrong. Doesn't mean I don't miss him holding me and those little innocent touches. Once I found my anger and he told me repeatedly eh doesn't want to loose our marriage I started to make sure he knows how I feel crying alone for me, I let him know how much he has hurt me. I don't think it is possible for us to even consider R without him knowing how hurt I am by what he has done.
I will say that seeing an IC has helped immensely, I don't feel so alone and she has helped me put things into perspective. She also helped me find the right words to express to my WH how I feel.
Good luck whatever your path
((( hugs)))

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.