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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: Apology from OW (former friend)
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I received the apology I asked for from the OW, about a week after my WH had sent a (well written and thoughtful) apology to OW's spouse. (We were all friends.)

WIthout reprinting it here, it has left me cold. She writes about how bad she feels, that her behavior was not acceptable (to her), she does say she doesn't expect "forgiveness or even understanding" of what she did, but that she is profoundly sorry.

She wishes us well, but I don't feel real remorse there -- perhaps because it is only 6 weeks out. Part of me wants to say "Fail - try again in 6 months." I told my husband in his letter he should offer what he is doing to change and grow, and he also wrote that he is NC, etc. with her. I got none of that from her -- is that normal?

I know it is the modus operendi of OW to lie, but all I got from her letter was that she was shallow and self-pitying. She also referenced a song she wanted me to look up to explain how hard it is for her to express her regret. Seriously? Are we 13?

SIgh. Anyway. Not sure what it all means.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:24 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Kalliopeia
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think any apology that woman could make right now would effect how you feel, except to feel more disgust for her.

She is talking about HER? Haha.

You probably have not even absorbed the extent of what happened.

She needs to do what actually helps you and that is to stfu and never come back to try and alleviate HER bad feelings.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in our 40's BTW - so song lyrics? Not exactly age-appropriate.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
PrincessPeach06
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a half assed apology from the OW but she had the nerve to say she had fallen in love and was hurting too. Of course she said twice she respected our decisions yet it took changing phone numbers and blocking Facebook to get her to leave us alone.

She was a childhood friend, no one I thought much about ever but her apology was also all about HER which seems to be the problem with our own WS's and the OP's to begin with!!!!!

I still have feelings of hatred toward her, apology or not it will take a LONG time to get over.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
iggyD
♀ 36171
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bionicgal - I'm glad you got the apology that you requested and I realize that when we're hurting nothing short of moving a mountain will really do so it fell short for you.

However...

She writes about how bad she feels, that her behavior was not acceptable (to her), she does say she doesn't expect "forgiveness or even understanding" of what she did, but that she is profoundly sorry.

IMO that's about as good as it will get. Unless you want to continue a friendship with her (which I highly doubt), the most important remorse that you need to feel is from your WH right?
What she's doing to change and grow is irrelevent to you so long as she leaves you and your family alone.

The song thing? meh.



2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
SI Staff
10
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moving this to General for OW venting.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chances are, the BH felt pretty much the same way about your WH's seemingly more sincere apology.

Really, the only thing that would work for me is if they could unfuck the donkey. Can't be done, so an apology from OW just falls. way. too. short.

(((bionicgal)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10101 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hurtbs
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest, I don't think you will ever get a satisfactory apology from the OP. As much as you feel your WH's was great, I wouldn't be surprised if her BH thought it fell flat.

At this point, maintain NC.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15349 | Registered: Jun 2006
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, I agree with the consensus -- can you think of anything that would have really made you feel any better? What did you really want from her? Honestly, nothing would do. At your stage, all I wanted to do was to beat the bitch to a pulp. (Rip her hair out, smash her face into the groud... yup, I need to stop...) That's the thing about all of this, there are aspects that are, and will always remain sucky. Your friend screwed you over. Nothing she can say or do will ever wipe this out. So... you have to let it go.

But meanwhile, it's OK to vent. And at least you got an apology, however pathetic, which is more than most of us get!


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Myheartstillhurt
♀ 32430
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW/xBFF told me over the phone how sorry she was. Even managed some tears and a sob in her voice. It fell on deaf ears.

And three years out, I still don't buy her apology. It wouldn't matter if she showed up tomorrow with a marching band, a flying banner, and the largest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen, I would not believe her. She took a 28 year friendship and turned it into the sickest joke ever. Carried on an affair with my H for almost 3 years, right in my face, right in my house, while my kids slept in the other room and I worked night shift.

When people on here say they would feel better if OW apologized, I tend to think they don't realize it isn't likely as they wouldn't believe anyway. I would be NC with that whole family, that is the best gift you can give yourself. She means nothing now, and you have to learn how to heal from this double betrayal. It isn't easy, but can be done with OW long gone from your lives.


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 10

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