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Jumbo posted 7/29/2013 15:22 PM

Yesterday I confessed to my wife that I had cheated and kissed another girl four years ago. She was my girlfriend at the time & suspected something had happened but I lied & denied it & said I kissed a work colleague on the cheek (which again was a lie) as I thought she would be satisfied with this excuse.
I have witnessed that my actions from that night have destroyed my wife's confidence & I have just sat back & done nothing about it as I was too much of a coward to admit the truth. I am embarrassed, full of guilt and ashamed at my actions that night & the subsequent cover up.
I have betrayed and lied to the person I love so much & I can't believe I have been so stupid. She is perfect, we get on so well with each other, we have similar senses of humour w love each other, can only imagine spending the rest of my life with her & find her unbelievably attractive. 4 months ago she gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, who is a dream & I love her more than ever & she is the perfect mum.
She is being treated for post natal depression & is seeing a counsellor, as she had a c section birth & I had to leave the delivery room as she was put unconscious for the birth, she initially couldnt cope that neither of us was present when our son was born. She has continued to see the counsellor & they have talked about a range of different topics, one of which was my wife's distrust of me over this night & she didn't believe a word I was saying, including that I had stayed at my male friends flat (this is true, but I had lied so much about my infedelity that she doesn't believe I stayed there).
Things came to a head two weeks ago when she caught me cleaning my trainers in the sink, which had dog muck on, she confronted me & I did what I do best, I denied it was dog muck & said it was just a bit of mud.
She was understandably upset & hurt that I had lied direct to her face & said if I could lie about something so unimportant then I could be lying about that night & asked me to leave the house for space, which I did & stayed in my parents. Although I kept on going round to the house as I missed my son so much. She saw the counsellor, who asked me to come to her next session, which is in 2 days time & I agreed I would.
I stayed in the house on Thursday (in the spare room), Friday (my wife was at her friends so I was looking after our son and Saturday (we stayed in the same bed together cuddling & appeared to be getting on well. We went shopping on the Sunday (yesterday)& we were getting on so well. As we were heading home I asked if I could move back in she said for Sunday night but I would need to go to my parents until after seeing the counsellor.
She told me that unless I was 100% honest about that night then I might as well not bother going to the counsellor as she didn't believe what I had said.
So we got home & said to her I had something to tell her. I confessed all about this girl & that I had kissed her, but did not leave with her but she still doesn't believe where I stayed & thinks I did much more than kiss her - I didn't.
Well she asked me to leave, take all my belongings, said don't bother coming to the counsellor & is understandably upset & hurt. She will not answer my texts or calls & I am worried I have ruined our marriage for good.
I don't regret telling her, she deserves the truth, but I regret the fact I cheated & the subsequent lies & cover up. I am wracked with guilt, feel awful & can't imagine what she is feeling or going through.
I desperately want to reach out to her & let her know how truly sorry I am & that I am willing to do anything to make it work & start the long road of building trust.
I can't imagine life without her & regret what I have done to her.
Has anyone got any suggestions as to what I should do next. I know this will not be a fast process but I would welcome any info that may help me win her back.

Thanks.

Deeply Scared posted 7/29/2013 16:38 PM

Jumbo...

I think it's important that you give her some space right now. You may want to send her a note letting her know that you're respecting her request but that your silence by no means is a signal that you're not willing to fight for her.

In the mean time, I would suggest you write out a timeline of all the events that took place in date order...that way when your wife is ready to talk, you will have a starting point for you both to open up the door to communication.

I know it's really hard and it feels like you're in a big, sinking hole...but stay proactive and loving towards her, it will help in the long run.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/30/2013 06:35 AM

Are you saying she doesn't believe you were at your male friends flat the night your son was born? Or is that about the night a while back?

DS is right. You ahould give her space but start doing some work too. Let her know you are there if/when she's ready.

Have you looked in the Healing Library yet?

Jumbo posted 7/30/2013 07:54 AM

Deeply Scared - Thank you. I will write a note to her explaining I will give her space but I have not given up on her.

How would I best be proactive & stay loving towards her? Although I am upset & feel lost I don't have anything negative to say about my wife. It is my fault & my fault alone.

The timeline sounds like a good idea, thank you. I will do this.

BaxtersBFF - She doesn't believe that I stayed at my friends house the night I kissed this other girl. She thinks I either stayed at my friends with the girl or I stayed at the girls place, but not at my friends house alone.
I was at the hospital for all 24 hours of the labour, but as she could feel the incisions during the c section, the doctors decided to put her to sleep, so I could not stay in the operating theatre & was waiting outside the room.

What type of work would you suggest?

BaxtersBFF posted 7/30/2013 12:05 PM

The work is what's splashed all over most WS' s threads. Figuring out what was going on that allowed you to make the choice to cheat. Then finding ways to make changes that you probably never realized you needed to make so that you don't find yourself in this type of situation again. Figure out your "why".

Jumbo posted 7/30/2013 12:16 PM

I have just got home from work & my wife has been to my parents has & dropped all of my belongings off in bin bags.
BS's - is this a hurt reaction from dday (2 days ago) or is this something more permanent?

I feel awful & wracked with guilt. I love her so much & can't believe I have been selfish enough to treat her like this. I have brought so much shame on myself & treated her appallingly. I just want to be able to tell her it will be alright, but I feel like she doesn't want to know. She is saying she is putting our son 1st (which is understandable) & won't let him be brought up by someone like me, who lies & cheats.
I miss my wife & son so much. I love them from the bottom of my heart & am truly sorry to have treated them like this.

I am trying arrange IC for myself, I first contacted them 2 weeks ago & was told there is a waiting list & I would need to wait for an appointment. I tried them again yesterday & was told there are 2 people ahead of me on the waiting list. I tried for a different venue but was told there are no appointments until September. I need to speak to someone to try & understand why I betrayed & lied to my wife. I am in the UK, does anyone know of any good UK based counsellors?

SI Staff posted 7/30/2013 20:25 PM

Jumbo,

SI is not a referral service. Please do not ask for counselor recommendations.

Thank you.

Jumbo posted 7/31/2013 01:06 AM

SI Staff - Sorry I did not realise it was against the forum rules. Please accept my apologies.

I have now written my full timeline. I have written everything & hidden nothing. I have also included a separate occasion where I have lied & maintained those lies (they did not involve any infidelity but have seriously damaged the trust my wife has in me.)

I want to be 100% open & honest with my wife. I know that is my first step. To confess everything & hide nothing.

I have been reading numerous articles which are helping, I am still waitin for my IC appointment. My wife has her 1st IC session since dday today, I really hope this session helps her. I am ready & willing to answer any questions truthfully, I want to try & rebuild trust in our relationship & repair this mess that I have created.

[This message edited by Jumbo at 1:40 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Jumbo posted 7/31/2013 10:33 AM

I have just seen my wife & son. She has told me 3 days after dday that its over for good. I have shattered everything, she is very angry.

She has told me that I will see my son on my two off days, will never bath him or put him to bed ever again. I will be a part time dad, she will tell him everything(which I agree with) I am the reason that he will never have a normal upbringing, the reason he will not see his dad on Xmas day, not see him on his birthday.
She is disgusted & ashamed that I am his father & wants to meet someone else to show him what a real man is like.

I know she is hurting so badly, I know it's all my fault, I know I have to respect what she is saying. All of the pictures that had me in have been taken down, she wants me to take anything else that is mine. She said she can't stand the sight of me, feels disgusted when she looks at me, that I had led her on for the past 4 years.

Have any other previous BS's felt like this & said this to their WS, but have managed to work their the infidelity at a later day?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

brainless twit posted 8/2/2013 02:43 AM

Jumbo,

If I had a dollar for every time I told my WS it was over, I was disgusted, I hated him, etc. I could probably retire. I don't say that to give you false hope, but because you asked if other BS said things like that and still ended up trying to work on the relationship.

It's been 7 years since my WS's first affair, less than a month since I found out about the second, AND we have been divorced for over three years. Yet we are still trying to sort through the mess we've created. We're still trying. I haven't completely lost hope yet.

Praying for your family - betrayal is the hardest thing a person can ever experience in my opinion, but it's not too late. Let her know that you love her and you aren't giving up on her. Do whatever you can to show her you're fighting, even on the days when it seems pointless or impossible. To this day, I can still remember some of the things my WS did and said after the first D-Day to let me know he cared. At the time it didn't mean a lot because I was so hurt, but it does mean a lot now.

Jumbo posted 8/2/2013 13:38 PM

Brainless Twit - Thank you for your response, it's really appreciated. I'm sorry to hear your are going through this a second time.

I have been trying so hard to show her I love her. On Wednesday she started screaming & shouting & wanted me out of the house. She was so upset & hurt, it was heart breaking knowing she was feeling like this & it was caused by me. I left gave her a few hours to cool off, I went back round & told her I loved her, I wasn't giving up on our marriage, I had chosen her. She was upset & asked a lot of questions about my infidelity, which I answered truthfully & honestly. The time line of events that had been suggested to me on an earlier post definitely helped me explain in detail what had happened. She said she could not understand or move on without knowing why. I couldn't answer her as I didn't know why. She said without this I needed to leave, so I did.

I thought long & hard about the reasons why, not as any justification but as trying to explain why I cheated.

Thinking back I was unhappy with our relationship, I felt she didn't love me, there were a couple of occasions that stuck out for me. We had been arguing the day of my infidelity, then I was flattered by the interest shown by the OW, but when we kissed it did not feel right. I said it was my fault that I hadn't spoken to my to her about how I was feeling & I had acted regrettably.

I went round last night & said I wanted to explain why, I mentioned the above, we had a good chat, she said she couldn't forgive me, but then she cooked me some pasta. She let me feed our son on a late feed, then she asked to talk again, she reiterated I wasn't forgiven but said she understood how I was feeling. She thanked me & said she finally has closure over this incident.

I could tell from how she was that a weight had been lifted. All last night I thought I would feel better but the guilt is still hanging over - I think it's a good thing - I know I love her & I am truly sorry for what I have done. I need to keep showing her how much I love her, how much she means to me, but I also need to sort my life out, I am still waiting for my IC appointment, I need to improve my communication with my wife, stop being selfish, be faithful to her & not hurt her ever again. I love her so much.

flygirl96 posted 8/2/2013 15:19 PM

hang in there Jumbo. when I first found out I yelled and screamed and kicked him out. His persistance and remorse helped him slowly win me back. It has been almost 5 years now and we are better than ever!

Don't give up right now. She is in shock and so many things are going on for her. Remember for her to be so angry means she cares. Good luck and don't stop telling her how much you love her and how sorry you are.