Yesterday I confessed to my wife that I had cheated and kissed another girl four years ago. She was my girlfriend at the time & suspected something had happened but I lied & denied it & said I kissed a work colleague on the cheek (which again was a lie) as I thought she would be satisfied with this excuse.
I have witnessed that my actions from that night have destroyed my wife's confidence & I have just sat back & done nothing about it as I was too much of a coward to admit the truth. I am embarrassed, full of guilt and ashamed at my actions that night & the subsequent cover up.
I have betrayed and lied to the person I love so much & I can't believe I have been so stupid. She is perfect, we get on so well with each other, we have similar senses of humour w love each other, can only imagine spending the rest of my life with her & find her unbelievably attractive. 4 months ago she gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, who is a dream & I love her more than ever & she is the perfect mum.
She is being treated for post natal depression & is seeing a counsellor, as she had a c section birth & I had to leave the delivery room as she was put unconscious for the birth, she initially couldnt cope that neither of us was present when our son was born. She has continued to see the counsellor & they have talked about a range of different topics, one of which was my wife's distrust of me over this night & she didn't believe a word I was saying, including that I had stayed at my male friends flat (this is true, but I had lied so much about my infedelity that she doesn't believe I stayed there).
Things came to a head two weeks ago when she caught me cleaning my trainers in the sink, which had dog muck on, she confronted me & I did what I do best, I denied it was dog muck & said it was just a bit of mud.
She was understandably upset & hurt that I had lied direct to her face & said if I could lie about something so unimportant then I could be lying about that night & asked me to leave the house for space, which I did & stayed in my parents. Although I kept on going round to the house as I missed my son so much. She saw the counsellor, who asked me to come to her next session, which is in 2 days time & I agreed I would.
I stayed in the house on Thursday (in the spare room), Friday (my wife was at her friends so I was looking after our son and Saturday (we stayed in the same bed together cuddling & appeared to be getting on well. We went shopping on the Sunday (yesterday)& we were getting on so well. As we were heading home I asked if I could move back in she said for Sunday night but I would need to go to my parents until after seeing the counsellor.
She told me that unless I was 100% honest about that night then I might as well not bother going to the counsellor as she didn't believe what I had said.
So we got home & said to her I had something to tell her. I confessed all about this girl & that I had kissed her, but did not leave with her but she still doesn't believe where I stayed & thinks I did much more than kiss her - I didn't.
Well she asked me to leave, take all my belongings, said don't bother coming to the counsellor & is understandably upset & hurt. She will not answer my texts or calls & I am worried I have ruined our marriage for good.
I don't regret telling her, she deserves the truth, but I regret the fact I cheated & the subsequent lies & cover up. I am wracked with guilt, feel awful & can't imagine what she is feeling or going through.
I desperately want to reach out to her & let her know how truly sorry I am & that I am willing to do anything to make it work & start the long road of building trust.
I can't imagine life without her & regret what I have done to her.
Has anyone got any suggestions as to what I should do next. I know this will not be a fast process but I would welcome any info that may help me win her back.
Thanks.