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User Topic: How Can You Repair Something That's Dead?
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When they cheated and lied, didn't they "kill" the bond we shared? Everything is gone, but the love that was felt. But now, knowing thier actions, doesn't that mean even the love we thought existed, was just one sided or imagined? So why try?

I'm at such a loss. I haven't even gotten dressed today. I'm too lost in thought and reality. And yet he's at work, making new friends. How sweet for him.

He wants so much to make it work, and I just want to forget him. I'm 46, with 5 children from a marriage that lasted 22 years. My ex husband cheated and it crushed me. I remember being pregnant and laying on the floor in a pool of tears, after learning of his affairs. My next relationship lasted almos three years and ended with him cheating, and me having a miscarriage. And now here I am, into another relationship.... I let him in. Gave him my trust...and love....and he killed whatever I had left inside me.

How do you fix something that's dead?????

Me : no longer a BW or BGF. Starting over!

Them : in the past, where they can stay.

Posts: 955 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 39830
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so badly for you TrulySad.

Whether there is anything left is up to the two of you. Do you remember what brought you both together, what you found wonderful about each other? Do you still see some of that in each other? If so, there may still be room for healing and rebuilding and another chance at happiness together.

Go into MC, and do it soon. Maybe IC for yourself. I wish you strength. So much strength.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to determine whether there's enough good in the relationship to rebuild it. In a sense, the relationship that you had with him is dead. I look at it as that relationship is gone, and can never come back. But, you can start over if you want to, and build a second, better relationship with the same person. However, doing this requires both people to put forth effort. If it's one-sided, it won't work.

One thing that helped me at the beginning is knowing that I didn't have to make any quick decisions. I broke up with him, and told him that I needed time to think about what I wanted. Take some time to yourself, and really evaluate the relationship.

Posts: 1758 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 19197
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only speak from my own experience, but after a lot of time in a real R, following a year long false R, I think I've learned to not put the "time of death" on anything too soon. I also don't believe that in every case the love was imagined or only one sided. I think most people have affairs because of something askew within them--not because of a problem within their current relationship or even a lack of "love." Take your time, Turly Sad. This is a great deal to process, and thoughts and emotions change constantly. Give yourself time to absorb the blows and assess the damage before you decide what you're going to do. I'm so sorry that you've been through so much.

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married Over 30 years w/ grown kids
Dday 1: 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe you can repair something that is dead. But are you sure it died? Could it just be in a coma? Only you know that.

Posts: 5662 | Registered: Jul 2002
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take the approach that they did kill it.
The qualities of trust, and specialness can return - if he accepts your offer of R, digs in, and does the hard work.
are the necessary ingredients.

I look at it as offering a chance for a new M.
It helped me to look at it that way. It had a more "moving forward" feel,
rather than looking back at the past & what was lost.

Sending strength! (((TrulySad)))

Posts: 7269 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ 39636
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see my old M as dead. But out of the ashes we can build a new, different, better M. I am so sorry that you have gone through this 3 times.

Are you in IC? Have you ever been? Did you try MC with the previous relationships. I ask because if you haven't processed those events then they are influencing you now. Maybe the reason things feel dead is because the ashes of 2 previous relationships are being dumped on top of this one.

I would urge you to get into IC. You have a lot of healing to do and it will help a lot. You don't have to make any decisions about your M now. I would work on you first and then you can see which direction YOU want to go for YOU to be happy.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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