SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

So I have been going over this in my head for a few days and am at a loss as to what to do. Since SI has given me such great advice in the past couple months I figured I would ask all you brilliant people.

My DH and I went to band camp along with another couple and the band nurse this past week. We worked our butts off. I always go and help the nurse take care of kids and this year we had a bug going around so there were quite a few sick kids. Every night I was up til 1:30-2am and then back up by 6am to make sure the kids had stayed in their rooms (we put a piece of tape on their door so we can easily see if anyone has left their room) so I wasn't getting much sleep and neither was she. My DH was working on awards for the instructors to give out on the last night of camp, we made sure they were eating and drinking and because I am in charge of uniforms and we have a huge freshman class this year I took uniforms to hem pants and replace buttons. We always take a golf cart to save us on running our cars around the camp. The other couple took over the golf cart, if we needed it we had to ask them and tell them why we needed it. This was their first yr at camp, my Dh and I have been there for 4 yrs and the nurse for 8 yrs, but they treated us like we were children. The only thing they did all week was in the morning they would get ice and fill up the coolers that we kept the water bottles in on the field. On Tuesday my Dh was working on a couple awards and asked the man to help and told the woman that I was in the room working on pants and could really use her help while the kids were at sectionals. They both gave him a blank stare and took off for a joy ride on the golf cart. It had gotten so bad that the kids were begging us to let them prank the golf cart and put "their last name mobile" on it, we said no.
On Wed evening after the kids had marched their evening laps and went back to the hall to put their instruments away we had some kids sick, one had fallen down (he passes out often because of a medical condition) and another that is a drama queen that I guess wasn't getting enough attention so she started complaining that she couldn't feel her leg. The nurse and I were running around trying to take care of all these kids while my Dh was bringing us things we needed. This man stood off to the side and watched while his wife stood and held the door open. The nurse finally snapped and said to her, "you just stand there and hold the door open, your doing a great job". I said NOTHING! After we got the sick kids loaded up in the nurses car to take them back to their rooms, I walked past the band director as this man was complaining to him about what the nurse had said to his wife. Again, I said NOTHING. He then started on me.. yelling at me, in front of kids, that I was just as bad. I looked at him and said, "I'm sorry that I can't sit my butt on a golf cart all week" and walked away.
This was the same evening that my dd was named assistant drum major. I should have been happy, excited and celebrating with her. Instead I was pissed off and hurt and went for a run. The nurse and my Dh had to come find me and force me to go back to the room.

I am still so pissed off about this. This couple were suppose to be our friends. We go out to dinner with them at least once a month. I go to lunch with her every now and then. She is the only friend of mine that I have told what my DH did. They talked us into going to their church and we love it, so much that we joined the church bowling league with them. We didn't go to church yesterday because of them. Now we have bowling tomorrow evening with them. For some reason the man is still talking to my DH even though he has told them that they were in the wrong. For the last year all I have heard from this man is that his wife feels excluded. That no one will let her help. I have told them both that all she has to do is jump in and help if she sees something that needs done or at least ask "what can I do, what do you need me to do" but she doesn't. She was suppose to be the head of the banquet committee and did nothing, I ended up doing all the work, and then he got pissed that the band director only recognized me for all my hard work. So I guess them not helping out while at band camp shouldn't surprise me. But I am still angry that they treated me this way.

I had thought about sending them an email but I am just not sure what to say.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm really sorry you had to deal with people like this... especially on what should've been a happy, fun occasion.

I wish I could give you clear cut advice on what to do here... but I just don't have any.

My gut would tell me that if they're going to complain to people in charge about NOTHING then for you to actually say something just might lead to even bigger drama!

On the other hand... there's no reason why you should have to sit back and tolerate their nonsense.

Ugh... this is a tough one.

When I worked band camp it was exhausting work. I know you worked your arses off. Our parent organization would never put a new parent in charge of anything. They would be assisting someone who had done stuff in past years.

Did the band director / band booster president-say anything to this couple about their monopolizing the golf cart?

I think if you say something you risk loosing the friendship. If you say nothing the resentment may build and risk the friendship anyway.

No easy answers

Hugs,

K

The parent that did all of this is the booster president and to be honest, our director is a wuss. Makes it all that much trickier. We didn't expect them to be in charge of anything. Just help us out. When we asked them to do something they ignored us. All we really wanted was for them to ask what we needed them to do, to offer to help. After hearing how she feels left out for the past yr I would think she would have jumped at the chance to help. I'm pretty sure the friendship is already ruined as I do not take kindly to someone yelling at me for something, especially something I did not do (he told my dh that I said something as I walked by) in front of kids. These kids love me and I them, they call me their second mom. I give them all a speech the first week of band telling them that I spend almost as much time with them as I do my own family and I love each and every one of them like family. Every one of them wanted to stand up for me, to which I told them this was an adult problem and the adults would take care of it. I have said I would be civil towards them if they apologize, however if they don't then I will just ignore them. It just hurts to be stabbed in the back like this by people who I thought were our friends.

If it was not for the church part, I would say, no contact.
Myself, I would be civil at bowling but not friendly or I would meet with her and tell her you were upset and why nd hash it out. If she does not either apologize or give you some reason that feels right, then I would say, "insert name, I am upset and would like an apology for how things went. You do not think you were wrong. We will have to agree to disagree about this. I hope we can both be adults and remain civil and friendly at church functions, even if we are no longer hanging out as friends." Then hold your head high, smile and nod when you see them and keep on attending everything you have been.

Tuesday night at bowling was very interesting to say the least! They were in the lanes right next to us and never said a word. So we pretty much ignored each other. The H walked past my DH as he was bent over putting on his shoes and tapped his shoulder. My Dh looked up at him and then looked back down to finish putting on his shoes. He said that if they can't talk to me then they don't need to try to talk to him. Thankfully there are only 2 more weeks left of this league. They have also been avoiding the band room all week, even though she is on vacation all week. I had told her that I would be there all week working on uniforms and had asked her to help me. Now they are making their daughter walk home from band so they don't have to come around. As for church, we are going to start going to a later service. If it is still a problem, he sings a couple songs at the start of the later service then they leave, then we are going to explain to the preacher that we had a falling out with them and even though we like him and the church it is just too stressful. Since it was their church, they invited us to go with them, I feel that it would be better for us to leave if they continue to act this way.