It's to the point where divorce has been creeping into my mind more and more, and not because I don't love my W but because I feel I might deserve the pain of life without her. She deserves to be happy and stable with someone even if that someone isn't me.
So like I said my IC sucked and didn't give ways to get past the guilt she just said get over it or it will consume you, to late!
So what I'm asking is how did others get past the guilt of their actions, cuz I want to conquer this and fight for my marriage but don't know how. And if I can't get past this I fear I will loss my M
Despite the fact that i am an ass hole, horrible father, and horrible husband; i LOVE and
Longroad, while you're being consumed by guilt and remorse your BS is moving along and has FORGIVEN you. That is an ENORMOUS milestone. If SHE has forgiven you it is time that you forgive yourself. Work on that. She has chosen to stay with you because despite everything she still loves you so very much. Think of the gift she's given you: you betrayed her deepest trust, and you put her in unfathomable agony for however long, and yet through all of that she's STAYED BY YOUR SIDE.
Don't faff this up. You bail on her now and you will hurt her ALL OVER AGAIN, in a way that you will never be able to recover from.
Find a way to let go. Do it in IC or MC. Go find a punching bag. Whatever it takes. SHE. IS. WORTH. IT.
You need to fight for your M and for your BS. That means you have to fight your own fears and weaknesses. If you give up, your BS will believe that your fear and weakness are greater than your love for her and your commitment to your M.
She has stood by you, even though you have crushed her. She has been brave, and didn't even have to. Now it is your turn to be brave and to be strong.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Sometimes when things are going well we backslide because of our fear. You are reminded of how wonderful your spouse and M can be and then you are hit with the guilt and fear that you F*cked it up for good or question if it can ever really be good again long term. You don't trust the progress and are waiting for something bad to happen.
If you don't think your IC is helping you-look for a new one. Not all IC/MC are created equal.
[This message edited by canteat at 7:24 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
It's to the point where divorce has been creeping into my mind more and more, and not because I don't love my W but because I feel I might deserve the pain of life without her. She deserves to be happy and stable with someone even if that someone isn't me
(Edited to correct autocorrect)
[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 10:17 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
No, no, no. Walking away because you can't handle the guilt? That's still wayward thinking, brother. Follow that thought. Why is it a viable option for you to bring this much damage into both of your lives and then walk away because you feel bad?
You deal with guilt by feeling it, processing, recognizing that you feel that guilt for a reason and then letting it go. Your everyday actions need to be motivated by healing, not guilt, but that doesn't mean you never feel guilty. Hell, you are guilty. You had an A. Feelings of guilt will happen.
Glory, built on selfish principles, is shame and guilt. -William Cowper.
Sin, guilt, neurosis; they are one and the same, the fruit of the tree of knowledge. -Henry Miller
Sin, guilt, neurosis; they are one and the same, the fruit of the tree of knowledge. -Henry Miller
See, the messed up "good" feelings of the A have left you with guilt because you always knew that there was something wrong with your actions.
Your IC is right. It is consuming you and that will sabotage your healing. Make a different choice. Feel what you feel, process it and then let it go and act on healing yourself. Repeat as necessary.
It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier
Why are you not choosing to try something different? Isn't that what this is all about? Us fixing our coping skills, our internal processes. Your wife is sitting there giving you some small bit of trust that you are going to do something different this time, so step out of the guilt, that paralyzes you, and halts all action and get back to work.
Read what unagie, cinnamongurl, and lrh said. You are choosing to use the same coping skills here that you have always used in the past, why?
If you sit back and find you truly don't want your M then you still should address the issues so you become a complete individual going forward with good coping skill that you can rely on in the future. I wish you the best.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:33 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]
Yea I know pitty party on me so boo hoo, but please understand that it's crippling!
Yes. Yes it is.
Self pity, IMHO, is one on the most destructive character defects a person can have. It keeps you locked in the guilt, shame spiral.
It keeps the victim mentality alive and well.
It is really fucking hard to get out of. But it is possible. I broke the habit. It took more self awareness than I knew I was capable of
And it was as simple(not easy) as breaking the habit. Being aware when self pity would start to take over and letting it go.
Sounds easier than it was!!
However, now I can look back and see how it affected SO much of my life.
It's a cycle that will keep you feeling crippling guilt forever.
can say with confidence that I will NEVER cheat again on my BS,
This worries me. Watch that over confidence.
I relate it to driving.
I know I can drive well. But I do not take for granted that fact that I'm driving what could be a 2,000 lb weapon down the road.
Not to say I'm the world's best driver, but I don't forget that I could cause some pretty serious damage to myself or others if I don't have awareness of what I'm doing.
"Your secrets keep you sick"
This, of course, was after lots of work on figuring out why I gave myself permission to have an affair. When you stare that in the face and realize how broken, justified and stupid it is - it kind of hits you hard. Staying in "that place" though will hold up your healing...
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
At two years out from my affair I forgave myself.
Did your BS forgive you first? How could you ever contemplate forgiving yourself if your BS never forgives you?
* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.
wanting to divorce because of your spouse's pain is pretty darn selfish.
Considering divorce because you're the cause of your spouse's pain is pretty darn understandable.
Fight for your marriage? Suck it up? Ok. How? Some of this advice sounds like the perfect solution to staying locked in the shame spiral.
When you cannot do the one thing that will really help your spouse 's pain and your own...change the past...kind of limits everything to recovery after a disaster. No matter how good it is it is only recovery, and with a huge scar right down the middle.
Rather a daunting thing to accept along with the recognition of what your actions have done to both you and someone else.
I went through this exact same thing. While I didn't choose to reconcile I felt like this with myself. The desire to run. The seperation and detachment I had with my inner voice. She was my hope, my cheering section, my comforter. I betrayed her and for years she was silent. The pain was the worst thing I ever experienced in my life, other than the loss of my baby.
I read, researched, posted, read some more. I would be chided by members for not getting through it and holding on the pain to punish myself. That was so far from the truth. I needed to go through that in order to work my way back to myself again.
Last step was Grace. Longroadahead, grace (I'm not religious) was monumental. You won't be able to take away your past fr your BW. You can give her an authentic present and a much healthier future. That's no small feat. It's the best gift a person can give another. Honesty. Your true self.
I don't see this as a pity party at all. I see this as a pretty necessary step in a very bumpy road. In fact, whether you're reconciling or not if you haven't hit this point I'd wonder if you honestly grasped what you've done.
Not even been a year since you've registered. You'll get there. Work your way back to yourself. You've left bread crumbs. Trust me. Keep walking forward even if it's pitch black. You've already built the next step. You won't fall.
[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:52 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Two weeks ago my husband said he had forgiven me. It was the first I'd heard of it. That forgiveness was for him, not me. It was nice to hear, but it wasn't what I needed to heal. I needed MY OWN WORK to heal.
If your wife has a spouse stuck in shame and guilt, she has an unhealthy spouse. That is NOT what she needs right now. Find out your whys, figure out new healthy coping mechanisms and purge the shame from your life. One thing that helped my husband a lot - I listed off my new coping mechanisms to my husband. He was very glad to hear it...
I also recommend a forgiveness ceremony...
I will NEVER cheat again on my BS, myself or anyone else.
Supports what ZombieGirl says here:
From my perspective as a BS, it seems that you really want out and you are using your guilt as an excuse.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but you're already examining the possibility of there being an "anyone else." Is it possible that your A was an exit A? Is R really what you want? If not, then the opposite - guilt driving you to stay, will result in bad things as well.
Either way, you have to control guilt so it doesn't guide your decisions and make things worse. Shame makes us punish ourselves and live in a state of constant internal pain. Hurt people hurt people.
An adjacent thought that came into my head was how SI is amazing in this way: It shows me how easily others can see me, but how damn hard it is to see myself clearly, admit what I'm seeing, and accept what I'm seeing. Sort of comforting and scary at the same time. And an example of how this place is one of the places I need to be in order to get real, get moving forward, and get healing.