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confusedsad posted 7/29/2013 18:09 PM

Does this need to be in a religious thread? I was just wondering if there were any other LDS members and if your WS had any church discipline. How are you coping with that?

jo2love posted 7/29/2013 18:45 PM

Your thread is ok in General. Religion can be an important part of healing.

We just need to remember that debating religion isn't allowed.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:46 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Opheliapain posted 7/29/2013 18:46 PM

Hi confusedsad,

I grew up LDS but currently an atheist. I'm here for you if you need to bounce anything off someone who understands the culture and religion.


k8la posted 7/29/2013 19:38 PM

My FWH lost his recommend and came close to a church court. He didn't have physical sex but Skype, phone, and other bad conduct.

Had he kept up his prideful attitude he had when he was first caught, he would have lost everything - and I mean EVERYTHING, me included, home, church, family - the works.

stratus722 posted 7/30/2013 12:55 PM

I sent you a message

doesitgetbetter posted 7/30/2013 13:31 PM

Yes, yes, and it was very tough all around. Feel free to PM if you'd like to talk. We are now almost 6 years into R, things are going really well for both of us.

forced2moveon posted 7/30/2013 13:36 PM

I was also raised mormon and now I'm an atheist. During my younger years, my father had a LTA and when my mom went to the bishop and told them about my father's affair, he was ex-communicated.

[This message edited by forced2moveon at 1:36 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Reality posted 7/30/2013 13:57 PM

My whole family are members. Our ward thinks we're extremists because we identify as feminist and talk about science a lot.

To be honest, I've never seen marked disciplinary consequences for our situation. Unfortunately, my ex broke every rule both in the church and out, from physical to emotional abuse, refusing to pay CS, you name it. It seemed to be easier, rather than address the ugliness of the situation, to ask me to forgive and "open my heart." Two of the bishops told me straight out that they felt disciplinary action would only drive my ex away further.

I think, culturally, in the church right now, the mode of putting the onus on women to serve and forgive and men to be leaders sets up a dynamic that borders (if not outright engages) in victim blaming, sadly. It's what I encounter constantly. No one wants to believe a person who is supposed to believe in the same things, share the same morality, can perpetrate terrible things. So they don't really believe it, and instead frame it as "misunderstandings" or a "crisis of faith." It's important to remember, church leaders are working pro bono in every sense and aren't professional therapists or psychologists. A lot of times, dealing with a situation may be the first time they've ever SEEN that situation.

I know other people have had different experiences. Whenever you deal with an organization, no matter the origin, you're going to be dealing with people, and all that implies.

knightsbff posted 7/30/2013 14:44 PM


I sent you a PM.


yousaid4ever posted 7/30/2013 15:28 PM

I read your profile and know how devastated you must feel.

WH and I were married in the Temple 39 years ago. His first affair started 1 year after we were married. At first he was disfellowshipped but took the affair underground. He finally broke it off 5 years later, confessed and was excommunicated. At that time, church leadership was all focused on him and his needs. He was sorry and I was to forgive him and support him. It completely destroyed my self worth and I struggled to comply. I did forgive and thought it could never happen again. My Wh repented (yeah right) and had his membership and blessings restored in 2 years.

Fast forward to 3 years ago. I had suspected he was having another affair for a long time. Confirmed it was a good friend who lived in another state and it had gone on for the past 15 years. It was supposedly only EA at this time. WH was in Bishopric at the time, the Bishop was told and so was the Stake Pres. But because it wasn't "physical" no church laws were broken (Ha, didn't feel that way to me) and he was allowed to stay in Bishopric for another 6 months. WH also told me he had been addicted to porn since 12 yrs old and has TT about other suspected affairs. I literally went crazy having to attend each Sunday and see him sit on the stand acting so pious and righteous.

A year later it turned into phone sex and still no church discipline because no physical laws were broken. WTF! Needless to say, my range of emotions have extended from extreme anger, sadness, and depression to unbelievable. Our Bishop has only had 2 meetings with us the last 2 years. I feel like a leper in my own ward. My WH is the good guy who everyone loves and thinks is so wonderful. I'm told all the time how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband.

I don't know which feels worse. When my WH was excommunicated or now being ignored and not having my feelings validated. I have worked hard to not become bitter. I still have a strong testimony and have only survived this long because of the many Tender Mercies my Heavenly Father has given me.

PM me if you have any questions, need to vent or want an understanding ear. (((Hugs))) and I'm sorry you are here. Lots of good info and support here. It's been a lifesaver for me.

yousaid4ever posted 7/30/2013 15:28 PM

Sorry, posted twice.

[This message edited by yousaid4ever at 3:30 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

RippedSoul posted 7/31/2013 00:44 AM

Unfortunately, yes. Not unfortunate that I'm LDS, but unfortunate that you and I both are and have been unwillingly, unbelievably forced to join this forum--wonderful as it is.

Temple marriage. Twenty-two years. 4 children BIC. WH once a high priest; disfellowshipped 7 years ago for confessions about SA; returned to full activity a year later; now an avowed atheist as of 8/12.

My husband has had no further discipline because no one knows about his affair. My choice. He has said he wouldn't sit through a church court because he's not a believer. So, what's the point? He attends sacrament meeting only, since I've requested it, but doesn't take the sacrament and doesn't wear his garments. That last one is a soul crusher.

We're at an impasse as far as talking to our children about his religion change and his affair. I feel our two youngest--boys--would relate more to their father's religion (atheism) than mine--because it's so much easier--so I don't want them to know.

I'm hoping, if he ever fully heals, that he'll return. At that time, he'll definitely need to be excommunicated, but I feel like our sons' testimonies will be more established and less vulnerable. Our 15-year-old just returned from EFY on a spiritual high and declared--for the first time--that he intends to serve a mission.

My WH disagrees with me about that decision and says we need to be honest and to not keep secrets from them. Of course, that was BEFORE he confessed to the affair and the prostitute and the escorts. Not so sure he doesn't want to keep secrets from them now. So the subject has been dropped.

If you ever need to vent or to ask questions, feel free to contact me. Don't know that I can help. But you ARE the first Mormon I've told. :( Lovely, huh?


confusedsad posted 8/9/2013 12:47 PM

Thanks for all the messages. Sad to say, it is nice not to feel alone.

endlessabsurdity posted 8/10/2013 10:16 AM


Sent you a message.


Your story is heartbreaking. I hear you, I understand, and your feelings are valid.

RippedSoul posted 8/25/2013 12:52 PM

CS, how are you doing? Any progress (either yours or his)? Have you talked to your bishop? Gone to MC? If you need to share with someone who understands both your situation and your religious convictions, feel free to message me. Today, of all days, I really get it. And Tuesday, when my bishop gave our daughter her father's blessing as she left for BYU, ya, I got it then, too. :( Hugs.

Gamin posted 8/25/2013 22:31 PM

HELP! I'll be 2 yrs from DD this November and am still having a tough time deciding whether to stay or go. She had a 2.5 yr affair with a high school boyfriend she found on FB.

My WW just finished her disfellowshipped status after a little over a year. She had some good spiritual experiences and wants badly to reconcile. A year ago I took a job in another state and brought my last high school age child with me.

I feel sad for her and know she wants to stay together. The marriage was difficult from the start 25 years ago and I feel dead inside about her. She never communicated well and we never built a good friendship.

I'm very active in church, in fact was a stake presidency counselor on my DD. any thoughts? WW is coming out for a 10 day visit so we'll see how it goes.... Thank you

confusedsad posted 8/25/2013 22:58 PM

I am 9 months out. My husband seems to be behaving and not taking that path anymore, but I am still somewhat in shock and I still feel horrible. He was disfellowshipped for 8 months. I pretty much feel like I am staying for the kids. Sometimes I love him but I feel hollow that I could have meant so little to him.

I have been having a hard day, So I don't have much advice, but I am grateful for the people that have shared their stories.

[This message edited by confusedsad at 11:47 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

kickboxer posted 8/26/2013 01:14 AM

5th generation, born in covenant, raised straight up, hardcore.

When I was 18, the temple ceremony changes were announced, and it pissed me off pretty good. By then, my parents were falling apart after my dad's affair, followed by my mother's revenge affair...ultimately they divorced. Almost 25 years later, and they hate each other to the core...but they still have their good ol' temple marriage, so I guess it'll all be good on the other side?

Neither of my parents faced official church discipline, but all the rumors, gossiping, and backstabbing by "friends" was enough, I guess.

I left for good when I was 23.

There's all kinds of messed up infidelity in my family.

I was sure I had escaped it's jaws by getting out before I got stuck.

I was wrong.

For me there was no escaping the pain of this wicked beast.

Sometimes I miss the comrade of the church, particularly at times like these...but mostly I'm just thankful I don't have to worry about being the victim of all that gossip and crap on top of my husband's betrayal.

[This message edited by kickboxer at 1:18 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

Gamin posted 8/26/2013 08:34 AM

To Confusedsad, 9 months out is still very recent for something like this. I was on the emotional roller coaster for at least a year.

To Kickboxer, this multigenerational pain Is a difficult legacy. I'm just starting to read up on 'imprinting' and how that may be one reason we marry a person like one of our parents. I hope I can keep my kids from going through this one day from what I learn.

Just want to say my heart goes out to you two sisters. I'll post about how this upcoming 10 day visit goes. I never considered divorce before DD because I felt like staying was my duty. I realize now that happiness needs to be part of the equation, that gritting my teeth and doing my duty was not necessarily the path Heavenly Father wants me to take. What we do and learn in this life is what we take with us. We also take our relationships... And I sense it's better to get them into a good, happy place here rather than wait for God to change them for us. The other thing I've learned is that marriages that started out happy and loving can very possibly reclaim that, even though you'll be building something new in your relationship. If there never was a connection, it might be hard to gain that after DD.

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